Sad and aimless

[geordie_minx]

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly last weekend. I have been in Newcastle with my family for a week and came home yesterday. Now I can't motivate myself for anything. I have two kids who need me to be strong, but I don't want to be. I went shopping yesterday for some food, but just didn't want to be around people, so got nothing useful. I'm already on medication for depression, and have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. However, I need to go to work tomorrow and I don't know if I can face it. Does anyone have any advice that would make things a bit more bearable for me, and maybe motivate myself to at least get out to make sure I at least have food in the house for the kids.

[Beads]

Geordie, I am very very sorry to read your post and my sympathies are with you at this very sad time. Not that it's entirely the same but my grandad very recently passed away unexpectedly and it's a huge shock to be phoned up and told the news so I really do empathise with you right now.

Do you really have to go into work tomorrow or do you feel like you have to? Any decent employer would not expect you in.

Do you have family/good friends close to you?xx

[geordie_minx]

Beads, thanks for the response. I have just had a week off work - the funeral was Friday - so I do kind of feel that I should go back to work tomorrow. Unfortunately I am relatively new to the area I live in, and don't have too many friends - certainly none that are close enough that I can call and burden with my problems. And what makes things worse is that I know there are people out there with much greater problems than mine and I feel that I have no right to be so down.

[bigmamma]

Geordie , I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss . My thoughts are with you . I hope you find the strength within you that you are going to need , draw this strength together with your family and take each day and each emotion as it comes . xx

[tigwig]

Hi, so sorry to hear your news I know exactly what you're going through too, you have every right to be down. If I were you I definitely wouldn't go back to work yet it is too soon if you don't feel up to it and it sounds like you need to see that doctor sooner than Thursday to get all the help you need. Your doctor should be able to refer you to a counsellor if you want to talk everything through it would probably help you. Maybe you could spend a bit more time with your family? I feel that you are expecting too much of yourself to think that you should be at work and in your normal routine just a week later. Take care, and don't forget us AB's are always here for a chat.

[Beads]

Geordie dear, you have every right to be down you've suffered a terrible shock and a loss of a very dear loved one.

I don't think your work will expect you back - regardless of when the funeral was, due to the closeness of the relative and the shock. But if you're worried about it can you speak honestly with your manager? And at the end of the day if you don't feel like you can go back right now, then you should do what is best for you as it's difficult enough already. Are you able to bring your dr's appointment forward to tomorrow as he/she may be able to sign you off for a little while to get yourself together?

Also you mention you're new to the area, when you do go to the dr's mention this and they may be able to put you in touch with support groups and you may meet other people via this way. Do you have any family members that are able to come and visit you every so often so that when you are having a dark moment you know (for example) that in a week you have a visit from someone?xx

[megan07]

From one Geordie lass, to an other, my thoughts are with you, and i send you all my love, take care sweetheart.
Love megan. xx

[weeal]

Hi so sorry to hear of your loss. I found it difficult after dad passed away and it took a while to adjust.
With support from friends/family you will get there slowly but surely, dont expect too much of yourself so soon, just a wee bit at a time.
But do make sure you all eat and rest, also for the sake of the kids.
Take care x

[paddywak]

Goerdie-minx I'm so sorry for your loss, I know from experiance that a sudden death in the family can be devasting, but believe me things do get better in time.22yrs ago on December 23rd I dropped my mother off at the hair dressers where she had a heart attack and died. As you can imagine it made for the worst christmas ever but we realised that Mum had slways loved christmas so we tried to carry on as normal. Believe me it was hard to carry on but please believe me it will get better you wont forget your mum and sometimes you will still have periods when you miss her, eventually you'll come to realise that as long as you have your happy memories of her she will always be with you

[pastafreak]

I am so very sorry to hear of your sudden loss...I have been in the same place as you are in now. Don't expect too much from yourself in these early days-the grieving process goes thru several stages and is your body and soul's way of healing and dealing with the shock(much worse as your loss was sudden and you have not been mentally prepared) and sadness. You and those around you must give yourself time....I am sure that if you want to reduce your work load for a short period your employers will understand. Most importantly-don't bottle things in. I know you want to be strong for your children but if you need to cry -do so. You do not need to totally hide these emotions from your children-the need for them to see this part of your grieving is as important as you tellig them about all the happy memories you have of their gran. Finally-try CRUISE bereivement care...it is free 1-on-1 counselling in your home...and it does help. Talking to a sympathetic stranger may help....and it is free.

[pastafreak]

Heres a link www.cruse.org.uk good luck xx

[cruella]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
It is a very hard time you are going through at the moment.
Think maybe you need to take more time off work, at least until you have seen your Doctor on Thursday.
Just keep telling yourself that your kids need you and if you go under, who else do they have to turn to.
Go out for some shopping today, maybe take the kids with you for some support if you can.
A small step at a time.
I am sure your Mum would want you to keep going.
Take care, we are all here for you.
A day at a time. xx

[O'Reilly]

Geordie, I am so sorry to hear of your unexpected loss but as someone who also lost his Mother unexpectedly it seems to me that you are doing very well considering events happened just a week ago. I too had just changed jobs and was new and dreaded returning to work (a) that I did not want fuss or sympathy (b) that I felt fellow staff would be awkward with me and (c) I did not think I could get back into a daily routine easily and my job might be on the line for slacking. I actually went back to work mornings only for the first week as it was an easy excuse to give that I still "needed to sort out affairs" which I did not as such but was an excusable excuse. The staff mainly ignored me for a few days as they did not know what to say, and I prefered that.
It was months later that I could eyeball anyone out shopping and I found people (hearing the news) awkwardly said how sorry they were and I ended up mostly feeling very sorry for them. But it buoyed me up so much to find just how "nice a person" neighbours and strangers to me and shop people thought of my Mother as well as her friends and I often ended up smiling and saying to the sky "Mum, you were infamous!" and so I coped.

Grief has no set time limit. There is shock and anger and disbelief and it happens but it's time for an individual is it's own, and so is acceptance. You never get over someone no longer being here but you do learn to adjust to their absense. Your pace is your own so go with the flow and don't expect anything of yourself right now and don't get frustrated because your emotions may be in overdrive.

My only advice is please try and stop medication. Your body and thoughts need to be unencumbered so you can think it out or cry it out or whatever. It's a good safety valve without being dulled of it's senses and your healing will be quicker in the process.

I hope this makes sense.

[geordie_minx]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate your kind words. I will take tomorrow off work and go back on Tuesday. As O'Reilly said, the worst thing about going back for me would be people being sympathetic. I know they are only thinking of me, but I know I would cry the first time someone said sorry. I will talk to my manager tonight and let her know that I'd rather people be upbeat around me, then she can forewarn my colleagues. I will talk to them about things when I am ready. And as for an escape valve for my feelings - I am crying right now as I read all the replies. And I think it's making me feel a bit better. While I am off tomorrow I will go shopping for groceries. The shops will hopefully be less crowded and I'll be able to deal with things a bit better. Once I've taken that step, going back to work Tuesday might be slightly easier.

[cruella]

geordie_minx
You have every reason to cry at the moment and it may go on or some time.
If other people around you are uncomfortable, then they are the ones with the problem, not you.
You have every reason to feel the way you do.
You cry as much as you need too. You are going through grieving for your Mum. Simple as that for however long it takes.
Take care, keep in touch please .xx

[EngTeach]

Geordie-
Firast, I am so sorry for your sudden loss.
I think taking at least tomorrow off is a good idea. You do need to take time off. When i returned to work after my mum's death it was tough, but people do mean well. Sometimes the routine of "normal" can be good too. You must do what you feel is right for you at this difficult time.

Take solace in your children. My sister and niece live with me and that liitle girl provided much comfort for both of us. I often think we can take a lesson from the way children can bounce back and you must carry on for them. I try to remember that my mom would not want us to stop enjoying life. Though the suddenness of your situation makes it hard.

Again my deepest sympathies for you at this time. Keep us posted.

[cazzz1975]

I am so shocked to hear of your loss, especially when it was sudden and unexpected, the loss of a parent is one of the worst you can experience, dont rush to get back to normal, you need some time out to grieve for your mom and collect your thoughts, dont rush into being strong and practical.

Do things when you feel able...

[beryllium]

Hi Geordie,

Darling, I'm not sure you should go back to work this week.

As you have said you will take tomorrow off.... and you're going to do some food shopping??? today, sit down, paper and pen and write what you need down.
Ask the kids what they really would love to.
I know!!! not a usual thing lol... but it gets them with you... and if you end up with fishfingers and chips??? for 5 days..... oh well!!! (maybe a bit of salad....?)

It is important that you take it all very very slowly for your own sanity.... I say this from the experience I've just had with mr B. He has only just returned back to work after 4 weeks off when his mum died.
An emotional rollercoaster indeed.

Look after yourself Geordie, so you can take care of those kids.... xxx

[yinyang]

geordie_minx. So sorry for what you have been through. You have had a terrible shock and it wil take a long time to get your head around it. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I know how hard it is because my dad died 10 days ago; even though he had cancer the end was still very sudden and unexpected.
I've also got two kids that i'm trying to stay strong for. People keep saying to me ' the girls will keep you going' and ' you'll find comfort in them' and I'm not denying that's true, i would be lost without them but on the other hand they are only five and sometimes the tantrums and squabbles over daft things just leave me so drained i think I might just fall down on the floor and start sobbing.
My husband described how he felt when he lost his dad and I think it's so accurate - he says it's like one of these videos where one person is standing still and everybody else is rushing around them at double quick time. i just don't feel part of what's going on around me.
Maybe you could plan what you're going to eat for the next couple of days so you know exactly what you're going in for and can just grab it and get out. If you don't feel like cooking a few ready meals or takeaways aren't going to be the end of the world. As for work, do you have any body there that will go with you for a coffee and a chat if you feel it getting a bit much. I'm sure you'll find that your co-workers will be sympathetic and will do what they can to make it easier for you.
Sorry I can't offer any more constuctive advice than to say you're not alone in this and I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural.
Come back on here anytime you want to chat, there is usually someone around who will lend a listening ear.
Take care of yourself. People assure me it does get easier and we have to believe them, i suppose. x

[banned-dot]

hi geordie, I totally understand how you are feeling now, and I can guarantee that you will feel the same way for the rest of your life, but it will be less and less apart of your waking moments as the years progress, but for now, you can't do anymore than let your emotions out and take what support you can get, because if you try to question how you should or shouldn't respond you will then be trying to over analyse basic human emotions. i lived from day to day after mum died and when life started to improve dad died, and ir starts again, ust do what you want to do and accept help and support when it is offered. You go to work and see how you feel, people will probably not know how to react to you at first, death is not easy to talk about , which is amazing when you realise we all have to face it. Try not to go of sick though, it will make it ten times harder to get back to things.
Do your weeping at home , it is surprisingly comforting