Father looking after adult Autistic Daughter

[Lonnie]

Hi everyone, My wife Mother-in-Law passed away yesterday, my problem now, is that us being Jewish, my wife will be sitting Shiva at he sisters, so I will be looking after our daughter, (she is 23) by myself, for a week. This means toiletting, bathing etc, as I understand it, legally i'm not supposed to, I do all that normally, but my wife is around, helps her out. This time i'm alone with her for a week, and wondered if legally that is allowed. I've been in touch with Social Services, they say its alloed, but a few years ago, I was told by the then head of Essex Social Services, that it wasn't, I would have put tjis in Law, but the last two posts I put there remained unanswered. Thanks.

[mrs_overall]

She is your daughter for goodness sake, not a stranger you've dragged in off the street! Of course you are allowed to help with her personal needs.
Do you feel comfortable with the arrangement? If so, I can't see a problem.
My condolences for the loss of your mother in law.

[Suade7]

Hi there, I worked with autisitc children at a residential school and care home, it pedominantly housed boys (which both female and male carers could tend to). The school had one little girl, only women attended to her and I do not recall of there ever being a time when a male would take her to the toilet etc - however if there was an incident where she just had to go and there was not a female member of staff around, the male carer would of course have to help out with the situation. I do not know of any legal standings where the male carer could not attend to her - after all there are such stringent CRB checks to undertake to work at a school!
This is your little girl, I don't think there would be any laws that would stop you from caring for her. Think of all the people who care for elderly relatives and disabled children. You have contacted Social Services and they have advised you that it will be ok, they have to do a degree to get where they are, they would not dish out advise that was not correct.
I am sorry about your loss. You are fine to lookafter your Daughter though. I hope things get better for you.

[beryllium]

Hi Lonnie,
Can you get a care worker to help whilst your wife is away?
So your daughter has a female with her too. Not for the legal side of things as I don't ever remember that being a problem, but just for your daughters dignity.
I know the dads I used to look after preferred I do the bathing for their daughters.

Crossroads may be of some assistance where you are? it's only for a week.

http://www.crossroads.org.uk/

[Bewlay Bros]

Regarding the legality of it, for there to be a sexual assault you have to gain sexual gratification (even psychological) from the act. Also the actual touching has to be sexual in its actions.

Bathing your daughter will therefore not be deemed a sexual assualt.

http://www.opsi.gov.uk/ACTS/acts2003/ukpga_200 30042_en_3#pt1-pb8

Section 30 would be more relevant in your sitaution.

However, if you feel uneasy about it, as said I am sure help is there somewhere.

Sorry to hear about your MIL, Lonnie. Best wishes to your clan.

Wardy.

[Ethel]

I can't see how having a strange woman in attendance would 'help her dignity'.

Carry on beling the loving and supporting dad you are without worrying about political correctness or anything else.

As you are her father there is no problem whatsover, assuming you can cope wiith it all alone.

[smudge]

Hi Lonnie, firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother-in-law.

Secondly, you sound like a wonderful, loving, caring & protective Dad to your daughter, but if you do feel a little uncomfortable with the arrangement of caring for her personal needs, p'raps you could ask Social Services if they could provide you with some assistance. You know 'Care in the Community' & all that.

I hope there is someone who will be able to help you, but if not, I'm sure you will make a grand job of taking over from your wife on the personal side of things for the week.

Take care Lonnie - thinking of you. -xx-.

[beryllium]

Ethel.
I used to work for Crossroads. I found that respect (ie: giving dignity) for the patients was tantamount as a careworker.

I was 'not' a strange woman.

I was a carer.

Hence my suggestion to a kind and caring father.

B.

[smudge]

Agree with you there Beryl.

I've never done care work, but my recently retired older sister has - even winning the Carer of the Year Award.

Where would we be without carers? Bless you all.

[beryllium]

Oh Smudge :D
That's fantastic!!!
Every one of them is still with me, and I truly can only smile as I think of them :D

[cruella]

Hi Lonnie,
So sorry to hear of your Mother-in Law's passing.
I can understand the position you are in at the moment, having had conversations with you about your situation in the past.
I am sure you are more than capable of taking care of your daughter but sometimes looking after family, especially of the opposite sex can be difficult for both parties.
If you feel uncomfortable about it, not only for your sake, but for your daughter, get in touch with your Social Work Department and ask if they could be of any help to you over the next week until you Wife returns next week.
They have Social Care Workers who will come in and carry out personal care for your Daughter, which can be twice a day or more if required.
Or, as another aber suggested, you can contact Crossroads. Having said that, the Social Work Department may even send someone in from Crossroads of they have no spare staff.
Go through Social Work anyway. They also have Crisis Teams for situations that you have found yourself in at the moment.
There is nothing wrong with you giving personal care. Lots of Carers in the community are men who are sent in to both male and female clients
Hope everything is working out for you since you last posted.
Best wishes to you and your family.

[Lonnie]

mrs_overall,
I'm perfectly comfortable, she is not self aware, so there is no problem on a personal level from me.

My problem, is what I was told by that Social Sevices manager, I asked her, 'what if I take her out, by myself', and she answered, why would I do that', that was some years ago, and it stuck in my mind, also recently I was told the same thing by one of her carers, and now its just me without a female present, (from tomorrow), for a week, it got me wondering, in law, if I was open to a charge of some sort.

Suade7,
Yes, in most establishments of that sort, Women can attend to both male and female clients, the male carers, only male clients, and this is so in the Respite home my daughter goes to.

Hi Wardy,
Another name I see, always good to see you on her.
As far as the sexual connotation goes, obviously, there is none, but your comments are relevant, because there are certain people like the two i've mentioned, who might think they see something, when there's not.

Hi beryllium.
We used to have Crossroads, the same lady every week for two hours,for about four years, a really wonderful caring person, but they've done away with Crossroads in our area.

As for another female carer, now my daughter is older, she won't tolerate anyone at all coming into the house, unless they are going to take her out,
Its what she's got used to over the years, and because we don't ask anyone home, mainly because she has a tendency to take her clothes off, wanting to change into her 'going out' clothes.
Mostly, my wife bathes her, but I do occasionally.
As for toiletting, she can't grasp the concept of cleaning herself, an when i'm home. its me she takes for it, I think, because she's constipated, I rub her stomach, and when she sits down, puts my hand on her stomach for rubbing.

cont



.

[raysparx1]

Hi Lonnie, I can't answer your question, just wanted to say I am thinking of you all, sorry to hear about mum in law, I would say just carry on looking after your daughter as you always have, and that is with the love and care you have always had for her, best wishes lonnie, take care, Ray

[Lonnie]

smudge,
She has 'care in the community' with her day centre, but yours and others comments show that you all know whats what with this sort of thing.
I spoke to her Social Worker about just the thing your talking about, but because they are strapped for money, nothing doing.


Ethel,
your 100% right about her dignity, she is not 'self aware', but on the other hand, once she gets used to a person, but that is only outside, indoors a totally different ballgame.

cruella,
First, how are things with your husband, I really wish you both well
Thanks for your post, i've answered most of your reply above, but as I said, the SW has said he can't send anyone in, unless there;s an emergecy.

Wardy,
That first line, as you can guess, should have read 'on here', looks good though.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks everyone for your replies, made me feel a bit special, as you are, your replies, show just how special some of you are.
and it would appear also from your answers, that I have no need to worry.
Thank you all.

[Lonnie]

Hi ray,
Thanks for your comments, that last bit under the line, also applies to you my friend.

[cruella]

Lonnie
You know, I so sick and tired of hearing the words from Social Work "No money in the pot"
I hear it every day at work and it makes me really angry. They do have the staff if they need it.
Still, you are more than capable of taking careof your Daughter and with all due respect, they must know that too. So, kudos to you Lonnie!
Thanks for asking about us.
Hubby is having his 5th chemo session tomorrow and was on the point of stopping it as was his Consultant, due to the severe side effects he is having, but I did tell his this was his chance to go into remission again.
So, he has decided to go ahead with it.
Wish you well over the next week. Hope your Wife is holding up under the circumstances!

[lotdot]

I am not an adult services social worker but a manager of a child care team, so only can provide my perspective.

The head of the Essex Social Services sounds like they were being an idiot on that day.

Of course you should continue to care for your daughter for both of your sakes.

If you remain anxious about the trustworthiness of the department or worker, lodge a letter notifying them of your intention and that you would expect a urgent response if they have anytype of problem. They wouldn't have a leg to stand on or a reason to object but it may be worth it for your peace of mind.

[Clanad]

A bit late Lonnie... but Shalom uv'racha... my sincere condolences on your family's loss. When I first read your post I incorrectly assumed you were concerned with the restricitons inherent in Torah in this type of situation... of course I see now that it's your personal concerns with providing the most caring service for your daughter. I can but concur with the other posts that you should not have any concerns for what is, actually the thoughtless views of a minority of others. There's a Hebrew phrase for that sort of conduct Sa'arah B'Kos Mayim "Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing..." You've more than covered all the bases, now go and take care of your daughter and Ihulim Levaviim...

[Ice-Maiden]

If your daughter's unable to do this for herself - then as her father, I wouldnt've thought there'd be a problem. However, isn't there a nurse who could come in, or maybe Social Services could provide a carer?

[Ice-Maiden]

And sorry Lonnie - just noticed that your daughter's autistic. I have a son who has the same condition, although he can manage these sort of things for himself. I hope you find a solution.

[Lonnie]

Hi Cruella,
Our prayers are with you both.

Yes my wife is bearing up, she's a tough cookie, but everyone is there for her, and she'll be with her immediate family for a week, apart from the reason for going, i'm hoping the rest (as such), will do her good.
And thanks for your confidence.

lotdot,
Thanks for that advice, needs thinking about, but may wall do it..

Clanad,
Thanks very much for those words, they mean a lot, and thanks for posting.

Ice-Maiden,
Thanks for your words, unfortunately, only in an emergency,