Jealous of a dead man?

[Drisgirl]

As some will know my childrens father (my 1st husband and then very close friend) was killed 10 wks ago in a motorbike accident -not his fault. We have 2 wonderful children together.
The ramificiations have been widespread and we are no further forward in the grieving process -in fact I would say that its worse.My son was home at the weekend and he got a whole load of mementoes and photos Dave had kept when he went up to visit his widow.It evoked bittersweet memories for me and more for R.
Prob is that I get phone calls from family and when we go out (me and H-2nd one) people stop and ask how things are and offer condolences.
My husband feels shunted into second place and doesnt get that I am grieving for the loss my children will have to endure for their lifetime.
I dont know whether to treat him as a selfish ******* or pander to him -I said to him tonight it would be different if it were 10yrs but 10wks FFS.
I feel caught between a rock and a hard place -anyone any pertinent advice please -no nonsence pretty please as this is very raw.Thanks.

[Petal~flower]

Drisgirl, I read on an earlier post that you had lost someone, but did not know it so recent. Very sad to read that. 10 weeks is no time at all to come to terms with it all. Your husband should really be aware of how raw you are all still, your children still want to talk about their father. I think he should be more sympathetic, your ex husband is no threat. He is loving memory to you and your children. Have you sat him down and talked to him about how you are feeling, and how you feel torn?

[jno]

there aren't any rules about how long you grieve. It takes as long as it takes. It will be tough on your new man, especially since he isn't personally affected and may not have been through anything like this before. He should ideally be giving you all the support he can, but bear in mind that he'll be feeling his life is being disrupted - by something that has no direct connection to him. Yes, jealousy may well play a part. You shouldn't either criticise him or pander to him. (And he shouldn't do so to you.) You just have to explain to him what you've just written, tell him you don't know how long it will last, but ask him to show a bit of forebearance. He'll have his own griefs someday and he needs to know how it works; it's a life experience that comes to us all sooner or later. Good luck.

[Drisgirl]

To both of you -thank you for such posiive replies.

I have tried to explain to him but he thinks that now Dave is dead its water under the bridge.

Its not -the ripple effect is such that I can barely talk to my mum and dad - as they were so close to him -thro the bikes and the enduring friendship -its like they have lost a son.

I feel that i have lost everything -I naturally have to watch what I say in front of R and J but I have no-one and I mean no-one to talk to - its the age old scenario -who cares about the carer.

H just thinks that its done and dusted -he is in for a massive shock cos it hasnt even started yet.

What a massive eff up and I know Dave will be effing devastated that this has gone t!ts up.

[Petal~flower]

Drisgirl, I really do wish I could offer you some real help here. Is there not a bereavement counsellor you could speak to who has helped others in your sad situation. I am sorry I could not help you. You really do need some support. I hope you get it soon Drisgirl xx

[FUZZYBEE]

I remember your first post drisgirl and I am very sorry. How about writing all this down to Husband number 2, sometimes when people are on their own and have the chance to take in what is actually being said it sinks in better, it will also be non-confrontational. He needs to read it and then be on his own for a good hour to digest it and then maybe you could come in and then talk. He must take into account that this was a fantastic relationship and ignore the fact that you were once husband and wife, even though you feel you are doing wrong YOU AREN'T !! you are greiving for a special person and above all the wonderful father that he was to your children. Do you have anymore children with new Hubby? I'm guessing if the answer is no he's not really grasping why you are worrying about that side of things either.
It's very difficult because it sounds as though you are worrying about everyone else, kids,hubby your Parents and actually not taking the time for yourself, I so wish there is someone who can be a support for you.
Take care
try the letter,
we are all here for you on AB
FUZZY X

[Goodsoulette]

Hey Dris, I had fully intended on messaging you earlier on and I am sorry things are still so tough for you and yours. Obviously your children are coming first at the moment but I think you need to point out to H how ridiculous his jealousy is. After all he is still alive, he will get to enjoy you and your children for a fair few more years. Try not to get cross or too emotional when you point it out to him and maybe try and have a night out alone with him too, dont pander to him as such but also dont forget he is a part of your life too.

[Drisgirl]

Thanks to you all.
We dont have children together so I think thats part of the 'I dont get it' type of behaviour from him.
I felt better for writing it out last night albeit a bit embarrassed this morning -yet again airing my thoughts and troubles-so I think writing it down for H to digest might help.I am also going to try Cruse -I have resisted so far but my GP did say that it might be an idea for when I didnt feel I was coping.
Amy-we have a night in a beautiful hotel booked for the next time he's home so that may be the right time to just get away from it all-phone off the lot this might just take the pressure off and also H has me to himself.
Again thank you all for your very positive advice -it has helped enormously as my head is just a fog ATM.xxx

[annie0000]

I think that part of it is insecurity and that whilst your 1st husband was alive, he felt that he was "competing" on an even field, and in his mind, he was winning, he had you. Now, for him, he can no longer complete with a ghost, so he effectively feels that he has lost ground, you are now more focussed on your ex. quite rightly so as this is still very raw and a lot of the pain you feel is on behalf of your children and for their loss. I think only time will help. I wouldn't pander to him, but you maybe need to make it clear that this is a tempoprary situation that will ease over time and that despite feeling very sad and emotional, it is him that you want to be with. He maybe needs to be reassured of his role within the family and then he can maybe give you all the support you need instead of behaving like a spoilt child and throwing his toys out the pram!