sibling issues

[Cheekystar]

Following my previous post about sibling issues, my dad cheated on my mum after 32 years of marriage with her best friend, brother 1 found out about it and we confronted him infront of mum, my father chose the best mate, the family home / business was sold. My mum has now tried to move on and after 4 years has her divorce.I've since moved 160 miles away, but speak to mum every day and visit at least once a month. I have little contact with my father and wrote to him a few years ago asking him to either give me more contact or not to bother, he chose the latter. Which I have accepted.
Brother 1 has turned against me (we were close growing up) and said its down to me to get in touch with father and I should grow up. Brother 2 who has always got on with father accepts my decision and we speak occasionally. On boxing day brother 2 sent me a horrible text and was really nasty to me. I have no idea what to do now, I feel hurt, he won't listen to me and my reasons. He has always been very righteous and protective of me (I'm his little sister) However I've grown up over these years and have stuck by my mum (she did nothing wrong what so ever apart from being trusting and hardworking)
The whole boxing day thing has really upset me and is making me feel very low, I have no idea what to do... apart from letting time taking its toll and hoping he'll come round. Any suggestions?
I have pointed out that whats happend with me and my father is not his argument, but he obviously feels it is. My mum accepts this and gives me support but does not take sides.

[badum-tisch]

Hi Cheekystar. Really sorry to hear about the problems in your family - it obviously has caused a big rift, and sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

As you said that Brother 2 had previously accepted your decision, do you know what caused him to suddenly turn against you to send the text on boxing day?

Just like you sticking by your mum (and too right by the sounds of it), your brothers seem to be more protective over your dad, and so defending him. It must have hit everybody pretty hard - and I suppose everybody has their own ways of trying to deal with it. As an outsider it's easy to stand back and look at what might be 'right', but there are so many factors involved that it becomes impossible to really know what to say. Sorry for not being any use, but I really do hope that given time, things can work out much better for you and the rest of your family.

[figure]

Cheekystar, sorry to hear all 'that' happened to your family. This must take a huge toll on your mum, especially. Just continue sticking with your mum, and you both comfort and draw support from each other. Everyone is grown and thinks their decision is the right one. Hopefully in time they will come around and the relationship amongst you all will improve. I wish you and your family well. Take care xx

[Shirl]

what a sad position you are in Cheekystar. If I have read your reply correctly, you gave your dad the option of having more contact with you, or none at all. And you said he chose the latter. How sad is that. Parents should always put their children first. I am a parent, and I do. Yet brother 1 says you should "grow up" and contact your dad? Why is that then? I think your dad should be very grateful that any of his children have contact with him.

You really should not have to give brother 2 reasons for your decision. You are an adult. And does brother 2 know it was your dads decision to stop contact?

You mum must of been devastated and you have been there and given her all your support as a loving daughter.

Your brothers should respect your decision, and if they want to continue to see their dad, then its their choice, as yours is yours.

I hope you can make it up with your brother, as it has clearly upset you deeply. And I hope your mum finds future happiness with a lovely man.

Good luck to you both

[beso]

It looks to me like you took sides and in the first place. You have adopted a simplistic view of what was wrong in your parents' relationship. Who knows what made your Dad turn to someone else. Plenty of marriages have failed because the "woman did nothing wrong". I am not saying this happened in your family but the "wronged" never mention about not being the least affectionate, demeaning and devaluing their partner and participating in a sham marriage that is nothing more than economic convenience.

You obviously like being in control. I would have thought you and your brother could have at least afforded your parents some dignity by confronting your father alone and give him the chance to talk to your mother without you and your brother sticking your noses in to their private business. There was no hope for them to have a frank discussion with you there.

Then you shut your father out because he didn't do things your way. You don't seem to have any concept of your complicity in making this situation. Did you listen to your brother or just tell him how it was? Maybe you should take a closer look at your own self-rightous attitudes.

[treekle]

I totally agree with what you have written beso, nobody, family members or otherwise, should make any sort of judgement about what they think has gone down in somebody elses relationship. Its hardly ever the way it looks and other people interfering just complicates things further.

[Cheekystar]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and comments
Beso - I think you have the wrong opinion of me, as the youngest I've always towed the line doing what I'm told. Confronting my father infront of my mum was not my idea and I had no say (infact I was only told what was happening minutes before) I have tried to see both sides and have tried in the past to talk to my father about this and he won't have it.
Before I moved away he said he would maintain contact which he didn't, I saw a counsellor and as a result wrote to him as mentioned above asking him to be more involved in my life or if he couldn't give me that then not to give me anything. He got the letter and did not want more involvement,
My brother think I need to grow up - yet I feel I have tried and have offered olive branches. In July my father married the best friend, both my brothers went - I was neither invited or told. I feel had he of wanted me in his life he had a perfect opportunity at the wedding.
I feel let down and alone. I have accepted my relationship with my father but feel sad by what my brothers who I was close to is panning out.

[treekle]

Why are your brothers and father being so rough on you? seems like there has been some misunderstanding somewhere between you and them. Why would your Dad invite your brothers to the wedding and not you? doesn't make sense does it?

[scoobydooby]

It sounds as though you're being shut out for trying to see both sides and have an opinion. Often, when couples split, there is a small chance of reconcilliation. However, now and again, one person is adamant that it's over and once they've made that decision, it's final and they do not wish to discuss. Whether that's through guilt or simply because they've allowed the relationship to get to a point where they seriously dislike their spouse, who knows?

It sounds as though your father sees you as an adult who should accept that these things happen without having to get involved. It's great that you support your Mum but perhaps that's something you should do privately and keep any conversations/opinions etc. away from the Father and Brothers.

I get the impression that, whilst you're trying very hard not to take sides (good for you), deep down you do feel as though your Father was in the wrong. This may well be the case and you're obviously going to be hurt yourself. Sometimes our feelings come through, no matter how hard we try to hide them and I suspect your Father has trouble dealing with that.

Look on the positive side - if your Father couldn't care less about you, your brother(s) wouldn't be behaving in this way. Brother number 1 is obviously defending the Father - so the bridges are still there to be built on.

How much do you want them to be a part of your life? You could write another letter. No ultimatums though (your councellor shouldn't have advised you to do this). Just explain that you've had a tough time but would like to put it all in the past. Guilty people don't deal with demands or ultimatums well.........they often relieve some of the guilt and give them the perfect opportunity to turn the situation around and make you feel like crap........which I think you do.

Good Luck