contacting father who abandoned him 30 yrs ago

[evedawn]

My husband has recently found the address of his father who he last had contat with when he was around 12. That is now THIRTY years ago. Before his parents divorce, and shortly thereafter my husbands subsequent adoption (at age 13!) by family friends he recalls his dad been a "good" dad, and has alot of fond memories. His dad was the one who stopped contact and stopped returning letters etc. I think he should contact him to possibly get answers to nagging questions, (b4 it's too late - no one lives forever). But he very reluctant.....

NO-ONE can make the choice for him but am curious to see what other peoples opinions are?

Would you contact your dad in a case like this - or leave matters as they are?

[raysparx1]

I think if it was me I would want to know why, maybe the pain was to much, maybe he was told to go away and leave the kids alone, he will have been hurting all these years and wondering how the son he had was doing, it might be real painful to make contact but I think I would have to know before it is too late, hubby might be surprised at the answers cos up until now he has only heard one side of it. but only he can decide what is right for him but he must think very long and hard before saying no. hope it works out for the best. Ray

[leelapops]

Hi evedawn. I love my dad and can't imagine not being in regular contact with him or my mum (who I love too, obv!).

In this situation, I would make contact. But your husband has to be prepared for the silence to continue: it's still his dad's choice as to whether or not he responds, so he may just stay silent. Then again, he may be pleased your husband has made the first move.

Why is he reluctant? Will it hurt him if his dad stays quiet?

x

[evedawn]

You're right Raysparx - I have my suspicions that his dad stopped contact cos he was hurting

Leelapop - yup - he's just too scared (and who can blame him) that his dad might reject him again...he wonders why his dad never tried to make contact once he (my hub) had grown up and was out the house etc. (which is a valid point)


I TRY understand but the fact is I have parents who are still in love with eachother and who still love me...so I can't grasp the concept. :-( It's so sad.

[evedawn]

You're right Raysparx - I have my suspicions that his dad stopped contact cos he was hurting or was told to stop contact.

Leelapop - yup - I reckon he's too scared (and who can blame him) that his dad might reject him again...there's no eveidence that he treid to contact him even once myhusband was an adult.

I TRY understand but the fact is I have parents who are still in love with eachother and who still love me...so I can't grasp the concept. :-( It's so sad.

[evedawn]

sorry - that posted twice - i thought it hadn't the first time - hence a second response from me

[bednobs]

i think i would if it were me, but my husband is in a similar position and dosent want to know because he feels so hurt by it. My philosphy is that one day it will be too late and he might be sorry he didnt do it (and you never know when you might need a bone marrow donor!) but this line of arguement dosent change his mind. At the end of the day your husband will do what's right for him.
incidentally, how/why di he get the address if he isn't interested at all?

[evedawn]

Well - my guess he IS interested and over the years had previously tried to find him without success. Now he has it within reach all the old emotions are coming back.

I am tempted to initiate contact from MY side...then I can get a feel for how his dad will react - without my hub going through the hurt if it is a negative response.

What do you al think on that point? It seems a solution but I don't like keeping things from him.

[bednobs]

i would absolutely stay out of it. i contemplated writing to the father in law, but realised i should keep my nose out

[evedawn]

yeah - bednobs you are probably right to stay out of it. like you hub....and mine... I guess it is THEIR OWN choice. Thanks for advice all.

[Drisgirl]

I would absolutely encourage him to contact his dad.Thers always 2 sides to very story.
My husband has a son who has just turned 21 -he hasnt seen him since he was 6 because his ex made it so awkward in the end for contact.H would turn up as arranged to pick him up and they werent in -he would change his shifts at work to accomodate her and then she would phone on the day to tell him thatey were going out -this went on for years -everyone tried (as in family) to get a resolution but she was determined that he wasnt to be part of their soncs life.Coming up to his 21st -he phoned her-I spoke to her as well but she told me that he calls her new partner Dad and that she didnt think he would get back ti H.I wonder if he even knows about the call.

Life is too precious and short -its his dad -he may have a different story to tell.

If it doesnt work then -its simply a case of nothing ventured nothing gained.

Good Luck anyway xx

[legend758duo]

Reconciliations dont always go well.

[leelapops]

My partner hasn't seen his kids for quite some time. They are all 18+ now. After divorce, he still had regular contact, then he moved away suddenly, saw them a few times, got a bit sloppy. Now he feels he would be intruding on their lives and that they wouldn't be interested in hearing from him. I told him my POV, which is that if I was them I would be thrilled to hear off him. But he's just scared they'll reject him because of his absence.

So yes, definitely 2 sides. I would say though, evedawn, that you should let your husband deal with it (or not, if that's his choice), and not get involved yourself. I know it seems like a good idea, as it would somewhow protect your hubby, but it could turn messy. Best you are just there for him, I feel. Good luck to you both x

[Drisgirl]

I agree Leg -but I simply thing that his Dad may have a different tale to tell.Sorry to say but some women use the children as ammunition to get back at their ex-instead of accepting they are both parents but no longer partners.

leela -I agree with you as well -the fear of rejection must be monumental.I just think that life is too short and any mistakes we made when we were younger shouldnt really affect the future.

evedawn -I would contact him in this case -in answer to your Q -(take it slowly) think your hubby would have to prepare himself mentally first and after all those years they arent gonna be dad and lad -but at least he will have found 'closure' (hate that word but sometimes its apt)

[Whoever]

There may have been an unexplained reason why he stopped making contact. Perhaps he suffered a very deep depression about the marriage breakdown and was ill or unemployed and never really able to pick up the pieces again without all the pain resurfacing again. Or perhaps his new family who adopted him made it an adoption condition that all contact should cease and your husband was never told the truth about this. But I would hazard a guess that his real father still thinks about him often and wonders what kind of a person his son has grown up to be. If your husband is agonising over this and is reluctant, would it help if you broke the ice and contacted his father first and possibly met up with him. Then, depending on how you feel the meeting went, it might help your husband to make up his mind. But if nothing is done, one day it will be too late and all the unanswered questions will never be answered. And in the long term, that uncertainty will be with him always.

[tillyh345]

I am 47 and I have 2 brothers and a sister that are younget than me - our dad if u can call him that left when I was five, and my youngest brother was only a baby! He has never paid towards our upkeep or tried to make any contact whatsoever, in fact when he found out his mother - our Nan was seeing us he got a solicitor to write to her and say that if she continued contact he would cut all ties with her! So do you think I should try and contact him before its too late- Somehow I dont think so - he doesnt deserve to be called Dad, or Grandad for that matter, these are just names you have to earn the titles! Just in case he recognises himself from this posting - there is no excuse for what he did to us, because knowing that your own father doesnt give a damn what has happened whether u are alive or dead ! is not a good thing to lilve with...I would say the father should always be the first one to make contact with his children- to show he cares at least!