Feeling down : (

[ChocolatChip]

I haven't had the most brilliant past, I was bullied for years, suffered severe depression, tried to commit suicide and suffered from an eating disorder, all of these from around the age of 16. This was when I fell out with the only, and best friend I ever had since I was 4, because she had a new best friend and either of them didn't want to know me in the slightest. (Plus doing a few other things that I guess aren't that important) It was like breaking up from someone you've been in love with for years. It hurt me so badly. Ever since then, my hurt and sadness turned to anger, and I hate them for what they did to me. Athough I feel it has dulled a little, everytime I see their faces, on friend websites or in the area I live. Seeing them happy with a big group of them makes me feel so sick and jealous. Because I don't trust friends anymore, I don't actually have any friends. I don't go out, or have that much fun. I do what I can with my partner and my family. But it's not exactly the same as 'going clubbing with the girls' or 'a girlie night in' or 'going shopping with the girls' I don't know what to do or how to curb my jealously, because all I want to do is feel how they're feeling, do what they're doing. But I can't. Help :(

[lilminxlou]

chocolatchip dont worry i dont know exactly what to say, but it sounds like u have a good partner and family and instead of thinkin about your ex friends and what they're up to, focus on your life, your future, your career etc. maybe take up a hobby to discover yourself? and who knows you might meet some new people that eventually you will grow to trust

xXx all the best xXx

[weeal]

ChocolatChip, so sorry youre feeling down, thats a lot to have coped with at a young age. I know its not nice to have no close female friend - I have moved house so much in my life I havent made close friends either - but try not to think that your ex-friends' lives are all rosy and youre missing out, they will have troubles just like the rest of us.

Possibly it was just too much for your friend to cope with when she was so young too? She might even wonder how you are now. What age are you now?

You obviously have a good partner to share your life and troubles with and things can move forward for you if you could let the bitter past go. As lilminx says, maybe a new hobby could get you started.
Best of luck
Al x

[Louisa 69]

Hi chocolatechip, it's maybe worth trying to get help for all the pent up anger you've got inside. Your Dr could arrange councelling or something, i think you would benefit from talking over how you feel with someone trained to help.

Concentrate on all the good things you have in your life. Has your boyfriend got any friends that are in relationships, if so maybe you could arrange to have nights out with them and their girlfriends and just take it from there.

good luck xx

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks to the both of you. I spend a lot of time sketching, and I guess I would like to join a group to do with art.
I am only 18, and I guess that I might have not had the chance to get over everything, but who knows.
She didn't really know what was going on with me, I never told her about my homelife, which was also really awful at the time. And she was one of these people who sit on the fence, and doesn't defend anyone. So when I was getting food thrown at me in the lunch room, or getting called names, or getting my hair and clothes pulled, she just would turn a blind eye, in order not to get dragged in.

[ChocolatChip]

Hi Louisa, I had counselling for a couple of year, up until a couple of months ago, I kinda realise now that it was making me much worse about everything, the anger, the eating problems, everything. and I'd rather not go back.
And my boyfriend is pretty much in the same position as me, he moved up about 200 miles to live with me and my family. he doesn't know anyone outside of work, and I've tried getting on with everyone at work, but they're so different from me, and don't want to know, even if they did I'd spent nights awake going through conversations and things they said, thinking 'do they like me?'

[weeal]

Well Choc, if she actually turned a blind eye and watched you being bullied I would imagine she will now be wracked with some sort of guilt for that. I dont know a living soul who could do that and not feel bad about it later. I can also understand that she didnt want to also suffer the abuse you took at school, that mustve have been sheer terror for you and a worry for her.
Is there any possibility you could have a talk with your old friend and not be 'accusing' with her, after all it was others who physically hurt you although she dumped you with it. She maybe does hurt too.

[ChocolatChip]

Hi there angel, I'm sorry to here about your position too.

I've met up with her before, a couple of times, and everytime I do. The paranoia sets in, and the anger and hate gets worse than before. I feel like I can't even think about it without wanting to cry.

[ChocolatChip]

I guess weeal, but I'd be too scared to talk to her or message her. I don't think I could. Maybe she'd blame me, and say it was my fault. And then go and speak to all her friends, and my ex-friends.

[Louisa 69]

You say that you see their faces on web sites. Could you maybe contact them that way? leave a small friendly little message.

I agree with weeal (hi) that she must be feeling some sort of guilt for sitting by and not doing anything to help.

[weeal]

Hi to Angel, sorry to hear youre in the same position, good luck to you too, nice you came on to help Choc.

Choc it sounds like youre still getting over most of your old problems, you need time, and good people around you just now, leave the old friend until youre more settled within yourself.

You just never know whats around the next corner. BTW have you heard of 'The Secret'?
Have a look at this, its all about positive thinking.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8

[ChocolatChip]

I didn't say before, but I don't have one for her in particular, but I do have one for her now best friend.

[weeal]

Hi Louisa too <:-)

[cazzz1975]

She doesnt sound like a great friend if she could turn a blind wyw to you being bullied, You are still young, dont spend time feeling bad about it.

Obviously the affects of the bullying and put downs have affected your adult life as you are still worried about the impression you are making at work, try not to worry and remember you have friends on here!!

maybe you and your partner need to take up a hobby where you will become regulars and eventually make friends. sport is a great way to make friends or doing a class. You need to let go of the past if its dragging you down!

[weeal]

Hi Cazzz

Angel I have had friends like yours in the past, and now dropped them like a hot potato. My younger sis also did the same "what have you not done to your hair" "that jacket doesnt match your outfit" blah blah, we no longer speak. 'tis a shame but if it doesn't work in my life now...i get rid of it. It can eat you up.

[cazzz1975]

Hi weeal :D

Wow angel! that is sad, but at the end of the day people who spend their times criticising you are bitter in themselves.

A real friend would be happy and supportive of you, not undermining you, they call them toxic friendships, the person is more like a cancer than a friend, they will eat away at your self esteem until you do something about it.

[figure]

I understand you want support and attention, and I'm not insensitive to your situation or plight. But, why do you keep posting the same thing over and over?