Boyfriends? What do you think?

[ChocolatChip]

I feel really bad for my closest friend, and I don't know what to do to help her. She's had an on/off 'relationship' for about couple years with a guy on the internet. She says she's completely in love with him, although they have never met.
She can't really go up to see him herself, she's still reasonably young, and her family is really strict about this kinda stuff. But obviously he can come down here, he's 19, and drives.
He has never come down to see her. He says he has tried, and everytime he makes plans for him to come down something happens, he's in hospital, something wrong with his daughter, had a car crash, he's ill etc.
And she continues saying 'it's fine, he's coming down next weekend.'
It really fustrates me. I reckon he is who he says he is, she sees him on webcam, talks to him on the phone. But I believe he doesn't love her or care for her in the slightest.
What are everyone elses opinions?

[Roughquest]

I would not read too much into this if I were you. She may be tottally honest in all of this and it is as she says, afterall it is up to her what she feels/does about this situation. She sounds to me like she may be feeling a bit lonely? Just stand by her and listen to what she says and above all just understand her, she may just need someone to listen and not judge her. You sound like a true friend to me, so just be there for her whaterver she says, and be there for her when things are not so good.

[cazzz1975]

I think personally that it will come to nothing, he is obviously making excuses, if she is too young I would personally worry about her.

he sounds like he is only up for flirting and nothing more

[ChocolatChip]

He puts her through so much grief though. Not so much now, but he does really evil mind games.
Goes out with other girls, and uses my friends and his songs for the new relationship (that's just a simple example of things hes done)
He'll text her saying he's going to commit suicide and it's all her fault. The runs off for 12 hours and returns unharmed.
She spents all day worrying and crying about it. And I tell her often that he will return, and he's only attention seeking. She still worries, obviously.
I wish she'd see how evil he is.

[angel-cake]

Firstly, how old is she exactly? If she is under 18, as i suspect, she really should not be getting so emotionally attached to someone she has never met. It is totally bad for her.

How did she meet him on the net? Was it a dating site? Chatroom? etc...

My opinion is that he is completely leading her on. I would guess that he is in a relationship (with the mother of his child) and this is his bit of fun that he plays on because he has got himself tied-down so young.

Can you not get her out meeting guys in person? (subject to her age of course). Do her parents even know?

So many people are false on the net. She really needs to wake up and see this guy for the waste of space that he is.

[ChocolatChip]

Hey there angel. My friend is 17. And as far as I know they met on a chatroom.
it's quite hard for me to not sound like a hypocrit, because I met my boyfriend online, and we now live together so...

And she did stay away from this guy for a while, and found herself someone else. Personally I thought he was absolutely fantastic, took her away to wales, showered her with presents and genuinely wanted to spend his time with her.
But after a month or so her eyes began wandering back to this guy and her boyfriend could no longer cope woth being second best. So he dumped her. Shame.

[angel-cake]

What is it about this internet guy that she is so hung up on?

I think it is perfectly acceptable to meet people over dating sites etc but you just need to be a bit more careful about not believing everything until you get to someone well enough so you know you can trust them.

I think she needs to cut this guy out of her life, stop going on that particular chatroom and change her email address etc so she can't contact him.

Easy to say I know, but I dont think she will get over him until she meets someone else or completely cuts him out her life.

[ChocolatChip]

We've spoken about this like 20 times. Sometimes she agrees (when he's hurt her) and does it for a couple of days. But he has her phone number so he phones her and texts her all the time, emails her, messages her on msn. Gets other friends of his and hers to tell her that he's gonna kill himself if she doesn't talk to him or get his friends to say horrible things and send her hate mail until she talks to him again.
It's like she can't escape. And everytime I think she's escaped him and stopped talking to hm, really she's hiding it. speaking to him in secret, telling him she loves him, etc.

[angel-cake]

Firstly, people who are seriously going to commit suicide hardly EVER tell someone they are going to do it. Peole who do this are using emotional blackmail and are highly unlikely to go through with it. Secondly, suicide is an act of one person. She is not responsible for him feeling this way at all.

I'm afraid she is just going to have to toughen up and not respond to any of his contact. You say he never comes to see her. Lets see if he actually turns up once she stops returning his calls, texts and emails. I somehow think he will give up and she won't hear from him again.

[haysi06]

Hi ChocolatChip

I think if you got your friend to read this thread that she would quickly realise that this is a dead end situation for her. She needs to get over this guy and move on.

Hxx

[ChocolatChip]

I agree on all levels, about the suicide and if she stops talking he wouldn't come and eventually after a month or so would stop calling etc.
But she wouldn't dare stop talking to him for all these reasons above.
It's very sad, because I feel like she will never give up on this guy, always hoping, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I mean she has for 3 ish years.

[ChocolatChip]

Hi there haysi.
No I doubt she would actually. She would say 'you don't understand how I feel about him.' and 'you don't understand what he's really like.' (how wonderful he is etc.)
And just ignore everything that has been said here.
She has loads of friends that love her. And we don't bother telling her anymore about what he's really like and that she should find someone she actually deserves instead of a deadbeat. But she gets really angry at us, and says that she 'needs' him. He's the only one who understands her.

[haysi06]

ChocolatChip, thats a real shame and I think that it may be to do with her being so young. She must be vulnerable and thinks that this guy is the love of her life when really, if he loved her he would not treat her in this way. I think that you and your friends just need to carry on being there for her and supporting her and try to get her to see sense but in the end it is her decision if she wants to carry on this 'relationship' - perhaps she enjoys the drama?

Anyway, you sound like a good friend to have. Take care

Hxx

[ChocolatChip]

She quite often says that when something bad happens to her that she deserves it. That she must have done something so bad that she deserves to be punished.
She was badly bullied at school and I guess turned to strangers on the internet (like myself, so I understand that far) but I didn't find someone so dreadful.

[ChocolatChip]

It's a shame because she's an absolutely stunning girl, and always has so many guys after her, always holding their attention. Nothing like I could ever do. Sighhh.

[123everton]

He's a head fcuk, get shut!

[haysi06]

The internet can be a great place to 'meet' friends however there are a lot of people who are dishonest and use the anonymity of chatrooms/chat sites to deceive. They are being completely dishonest about their own personal circumstances and lie. Thats the harsh reality that may happen. There are of course very many nice genuine people online too. Its a shame that your friend would appear to have been taken in by someone who knows the hold that he has over her and is playing on her weaknesses. His behaviour is despicable, but until she realises that he is not serious about her - and lets face it if they have never met in nearly 3 years then she should know that there is definitely something dishonest about him. It sometimes needs an outsider to make you see sense, perhaps if you could get another friend who is not online to speak to her - someone who has no vested interest - and then she may be able to look objectively at the situation.

Hxx

[ChocolatChip]

Hmmm, I guess, although I don't really know anyone else that well to ask them to do it. And I'm in work and she's in college some 20 miles away. So it's quite hard to talk to or know anyone else who knows bot of us. Without them being seriously biased and interested in such a subject.

[haysi06]

He is making a fool out of her and she is allowing him to. There isnt really a lot more that you can do for your friend other than to be there for her when it all goes wrong. Let her get on with it, you shouldnt need to spend your time worrying so much about her, especially when she isnt paying any attention to you.

Enjoy your weekend! Have fun

Hxx