Worried.

[ChocolatChip]

I don't know what to do. Basically, ( a simple outline of the story) I have been suffering from terrible depression for a good number of years now. And it affects my work terribly, as some of you will have heard before. I have done 2 months of my 3 month contract to work for a certain company through an agency, and hopefully I'll be going back to college in september.
I can bearly face walking out the door nowadays, let alone even thinking about going into work. I can't face the work, the people, the responsibility, people asking questions, everything! I get panic attacks and I tend to lock myself in the loo for hours. I have been off so much, I am surprised that I have not been sacked. I have been thinking about handing in my notice, but I feel so guilty, leaving them out of the blue. I've had this problem with my last job too. I ended up just not turning up and eventually told them 3 weeks later, and they just accepted I wasn't going back.
Once it was over I was okay, and could continue a 'normal' life. My psychatrist told me that in his opinion is that I shouldn't go in. And I'm still waiting for CBT.
I just don't know what to do. I feel dreadful staying away, I feel dreadful going to work. and I feel bad, as I live with my parents and will not be able to give them any money. Although we agreed I would do the housework and work in my parents business.

[CAJ1]

Chocolatchip, I feel for you as I had stress related depression due to my personal life. I ended up yelling at everyone in my work place and coudn't be bothered doing my work. I kept on working though and I managed to get through all this and I am now much better. I don't think that quitting your job and sitting at home will do you any good. You just have more time to think about things and your not active which could make it worse. Why don't you speak to your doctor about changing your medication (I'm presuming you're on something??) and talk to your boss. I did and felt miles better for it. They gave me less responsibility until I could manage again thus making me less stressed.

[ChocolatChip]

I only have about a month left anyway, and if I'm away constantly, is it worth it?
I have asked for another job somewhere where I worked a couple of years ago, when I wasn't so ill. Hoping that I'll get a small part time job there.
But I won't be at home worrying, as I said I will also work for my parents, as part of my keep.
I have been on some tablets for a while, but they haven't seemed to kick in or anything.

[bednobs]

seems like a complete no-brainer to me. You need to prioritise your health. None of us are indispensible and i always think to myself (when too much responsibility stresses me) that if i broke my leg today, work would manage without me tomorrow: they would have to.

Your parents are willing to help you out, and help you feel better by saying you dont have to give them money. just accept it, i bet you they would prefer that you didnt give them money, but felt better rather than feeling awful just so you could pay them rent. I'm absolutley convinced it would make THEM feel better if you felt better, so not only to you owe it to yoursel, you owe it to them!

[missprim]

Hi Chocolatchip.I hope when you get CBT it will help but a lot has to do with whether or not you can get on well with your therapist, but most importantly the one thing I learnt was to try and stop running away from certain situations and face up to them.This is easier said than done but I do want to assure you that you will get better but at the end of the day it's up to you.I suffer from social phobia but with the help from different therapists and anti depressents I am now able to achieve much more than I ever thought would be possible.It takes time, there is no overnight cure but I wish you the best of luck and remember you are not the only one who feels like this.Take things a day at a time and try not to feel quilty, unless people have been through this, they have no idea how it feels,and they don't recognise it as an illness, which it is. Although it's not always obvious like a broken leg, it is just as debilitating.I hope you might have a very close friend you can talk to who understands you, if not there is always us lot on AB.

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks everyone. It's been very difficult for the past several months. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I felt I had to leave my last job due to the unhappiness and depression I couldn't live with.
I had to leave, and then I was unemployed for about a month, and I was very happy. I used to do all the housework, and some cooking. Staying at home makes me feel so so safe.
And you're right triggerhippy, I tend to put so much pressure on myself. Constantly worrying, sleepless nights, random panic attacks. I make everything so much worse for myself. But I can't help it, I can't think about anything else.
I know I'll feel better once it's all over and my notice has been handed in. But until then I know I'll feel awful.

[Drisgirl]

I was medically retired from BT at the age of 38 due to stress so I absolutely inderstand where you are coming from.
Something had to give and for me it was my career -I was having panic attacks whenever I went into work and just couldnt function so you have to take a stressful situation out the equation for me I had to surrender my career as I had young children and a large house.I wont regale you with the details of how I reached that point.
CBT works but its no use trying to sugar coat this -its not a short term fix now you have reached this stage howver I can reassure you that you will regain your confidence again.Had someone told me that then I would NEVER have believed them but honestly hun you do.Dont overload yourself -you have IMO now try to take baby steps -dont throw yourself into a situ you know you will be incomfortable with -take is nice and easy and when you feel uneasy go home but pat yourself on the back .You will be surpised yourself how far you will go by taking it easy.

Good Luck-you will be fine -trust me xxxx

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks drisgirl for your kind words.
Everytime I get near work or think of going I get panic attack. I get so upset, it's terrible.
And since it has happened a few times, I knew I'd needed help, and I have seen a counsellor before, although it didn't help in the slightest, I ended up feeling worse.
I wish there were some quick fixes, and everything just goes away, I feel like I need to get better soon, otherwise I will ruin my chances of college, and I need to do it desperately this time round if I want to suceed.

[bednobs]

look at it like this - if your job was affecting your physical health you would bin it off. So if every time you went in it gave you a terrible pain in your back, getting worse and worse and affecting your ability to walk, do shopping, bathe etc, what would you do?
Yor mental health is no different to that is it?

[ChocolatChip]

No, I guess you're right bednobs.
I wouldn't go in if something physically affecting me. But I guess I worry that people and future employers won't understand that just because it's not physical, it's still as bad.

[bednobs]

there will ALWAYS be people who see mental health issues as a "problem", however there will also be employers that don't

[muppeteer]

if you have no debts & no house to pay for then definately give it up. your heath is far too important for you to continue to feel like this for the sake of a company who is not that bothered (& lets face it- they never are about temps) about anything but getting their paperwork done.
i have read that excersise can be one of the best depression curers- i dont just mean keep fit once a week or a 10 minute walk a day. there have been people who have got over depresion natrually by an intensive running program. maybe worth researching on the net about it.
until i had a bad period of stress (over work) a few years ago i did not believe in it & though people were being over sensetive! a lot of people here know how you feel & will support you anytime you check in- it helps sometimes just to have some kind words!
finally i would suggest looking into doing something different- if you feel comfortable in a home environment maybe you could have a go at doing an ironing service or doing some gardening for cash- not stressful work & would give you enough to contribute to your parents (which will no doubt make you feel less guilty) & give you a bit of pocket money.
anyway i hope it works out for yuo- best of luck x

[ChocolatChip]

Hi there,
Yes I have tried exercising and certain diets. (although I'm just not an exercise person) My diet stopped panic attacks for a while, but now they have returned.
I have emailed my agency today, telling them that I am leaving, and if I have a doctors note, can I be excused from my notice.
I'm still worrying about it, but writing that email has helped, and hopefully there will be a little less weight on my back from now on.
Thanks everyone for all your kind words.