my ex

[Soph20]

Please let me have your thoughts and opinions on this.

I was with my ex for 4 years on and off. I really loved him but he was manipulative and mentally abusive. I have finally made the break from him and haven't seen him for 10 months. He has been in touch sending stupid messages but I didn't let them develop. Now today he drove past me in town then sent me a text saying he missed me and wanted me to pop over for a chat.

I have always wanted to remain friends with him but am not sure if we can as worried about him being in control and being abusive and letting myself down.

I told him it would be nice to see him but that I was worried of putting myself in a vulnerable position and how i might feel. I told him to let me think on it (popping over/meeting up)

I don't want to get back with him but maybe he does with me.

What would you all do

[Marijn]

I know it's hard thinking you won't see someone again. But suppose everyone kept their exes as friends, and supposing the average person had five exes before they got married. Then married woman would be going around with five ex-boyfriends in tow, and her husband with five ex-girlfriends. That would really complicate a marriage,causing friction and upset, rather than enhancing it.

[Soph20]

I know I know your right. Oh god that welled me up and I am at work.

I am much stronger than I was but there is a tiny part of me that wont get better and that part of me can't bear to think I will never see him again. Sometimes I think, what if he moves away, I won't even bump into him in a shop anymore.

It's clear I suppose that although I am a lot better, perhaps I am not fully over him when I thought I was. If I was fully over him would I be thinking like this? I don't know.

[Soph20]

Raggy Roman are you giving me advice as a man? I would also like to know a mans opinion

[4getmenot]

I had an ex kind of the same, I reply to txts but he had asked if he can pop round or we can do lunch and I've said no. No reason for us to, if I see him uptown I speak to him but I dont have to take time out my life to meet him

[Soph20]

Oh you are.

Raggy Roman, if you had treated an ex badly but you wanted her back or you wanted to meet as a friend and your ex said no. Would you understand and leave her alone.

Thats the trouble I don't think he understands that he has hurt me and thats why I dont want to be involved with him but I also want him to realise that I really loved him and maybe still do but that I can't be with him. It does not register with him and he can not acknowledge it.

I worry about hurting his feelings more fool me

[Soph20]

Oh 4getmenot Im so grateful you are here to advise me then as you being in the same boat before and all. Raggy I am also grateful of a mans advice and opinion so thanks. And to the rest of you thanks.

4getmenot, so what is and what isn't acceptable do you think? texting is but meeting isn't then. I am young and perhaps naive to all this.

[4getmenot]

Sorry but this man is just playing games with you, I dont think he can stand that you dont want him now

[mandimoo]

eek, i hope he dont come on here, read your question (and account of the texts) and reply anonymously! ...
for what its worth, i dont think you should go. he said "you look nice, you should pop over"... its a bit shallow. would he be missing you if you looked like you were chewing a wasp that day, wearing clothes from the rummage sale!

[Soph20]

Ok I think I know what I am going to do now. I wsaid I would let him know my decision today or tomorrow.

I am going to tell him that although I wish things could be different, I can't meet him because I do not want to get hurt again. I will say obviously when I see you in tesco or whatever I will say hello and it will be nice to see you and we will chat but I don't see the need for arranging specific 'dates and meetings' to see him.

Would that be alright? Any suggestions

[4getmenot]

He texts every now and then to say how you doing etc. He was a big part of my life and I;m not nasty enough to ignore him but when he starts with the whole 'I think I missed out on my last chance of happines' etc I change subject. I have told him he can never come round mine ever again but I wont ignore him when out and will chat for a bit if he's in pub. Other exes come over but me and this certain ex were so close that I wouldnt hurt my new bloke by involving myself with him even if just as friends, its not worth the hassle. Move on with your life. xx

[4getmenot]

OOh just realised its you again soph. Hi :-)

[Soph20]

lol mandimoo. I have to admit in a way I am glad that he text and said that I looked nice its like haha look what you could have had mate and look what your missing. I am glad he's missing me. But on the other hand it has caused me to do all this thinking and what iffff ing now! Oh god, I swear I could not go through another realtionship break up I can't stand them

[Soph20]

Hi again lol

I think I am going to be do as you ahve done. I think that is a very wise and good decision and I admire you for that.

Do you think I could do the same even though he was abusive. (*secretly hoping you will say yes but please be truthful*)

[4getmenot]

I often think that but then I know my ex is doing it because he isnt getting the attention anymore not that he is missing me, so its only Ha Ha if I stand up and tell him where to go. Do you think this man is why you have low self confidence? And as for abuse I wasnt abused not Physically anyway so it should be much easier for you. You seem like a lovely girl and it seems wrong for him to hold you back, which he will, someone out there deserves you, luckily I had a gorgeous man save me and now I;m happy

[Soph20]

I'm glad you are happy 4getmenot and have a lovely man. I think I will do as you have done but I will def not let him hold me back. I want another man, one that loves me and treats me properly.

Thanks so much for sharing it really helps to know how others have dealt with it.

All the best to you xxx

[4getmenot]

if he pesters you just say you dont see why you have to meet up with him you are happy to chat as mates on phone or if you bump into eachother but specifically meeting up will just confuse things. xx

[Soph20]

Yep I couldn't agree more. Thanks for helping me see clearly again. You know what it likes its like a mist descending and you lose all the sense you have xxx

[4getmenot]

But it will clear soon. I see a lovely sunny day on the horizon for you xx