Problems relating to abortion

[karmgirl]

2 years ago I had an abortion. The people at work know I have had an abortion and one of my colleagues actually really influenced my decision and told me to have it. (when I didn't need all that influencing).

Well since then this colleague has had a child. The conversation of babies and children and pregnancy comes up a lot and sometimes everyone gets involved as other colleague has kids as well. I feel like sometimes they are trying to purposely hurt my feelings since they know I've had an abortion. I don't feel brave enough to talk to them about it and can't talk to my boss properly as she is colleagues mum. It really gets me down sometimes.

[blondie83]

I don't think they are doing it on purpose. I had a simular thing. My fiance split up with me not long before our wedding and a few days later my collegues were talking about someone else they knew who had just split up from there fella and called off the wedding. I thought at the time that it was really insensitive of them, but then i realised that the world doe's not revolve around me and my feelings. Life goe's on and people move on. I don't mean this to sound harsh in anyway. I just think that they properly arn't thinking about you when they talk about it, i'm sure if they knew how you felt then they would be horrified at it all,, but I honestly doubt that they've even stopped to think about it.

[karmgirl]

Yes you are probably right. It just seems weird to me that when people talk about babies they don't think hold on a second Sophie has had an abortion and how might this make her feel, but maybe that just seems weird to me because it is constantly at the front of MY mind when they talk about children. It seems unbelievable to me that talking about children and babies doesn't jog their memory of what I have been through. But your right the world doesn't revolve around me

[karmgirl]

For instance though, m colleague has one young child and she also had a miscarriage recently, I always think that in a couple of years time when this memory isn't so fresh, if someone was talking about losing a baby or something that might cause her upset, I'd like to think that would jog my memory and I'd think oh yeah she had a miscarriage - I wonder if this type of conversation might be upsetting for her............and stop

[redcrx]

karmgirl, can you honestly say that you think about everything youre about to discuss?

If a friend had bumped her car, would you stop talking about cars around her? If someones relative had passed on would you never talk about illness and death ever in their company?

Sorry, but they are getting on with life, you are struggling but they shouldnt have to censor every conversation about children 2 years after the event.

Please please speak to a trained counsellor.

[karmgirl]

No I probably don't think about how what I say will affect the other person all the time. You would never say anything then. I just think that when you are talking about something so regularly there must be the odd occasion when it pops up in there head. But they keep talking about it. Perhaps its because they don't think its affected me as much as it has. I don't want people to feel they have to pussyfoot around me but just show some consideration a bit would be nice.

[4getmenot]

have you looked at that website yet. Redcrx is right people talk about all sorts and you cant stop the world, it just seems that they are talking about babies more because you notice it more. I remember when my mate lost her dad in a terrible accident everything on the news that night was like it and casualty, holby etc.

[karmgirl]

The trouble is that I should have discussed it more with them at the time and continued to let them know how I feel about it perhaps from the very beginning.

[redcrx]

well try and talk to them now, just one at a time. Speak to them about how you are feeling 2 years on and how that you find it hard when there is a lot of talk about babies.

[karmgirl]

Yeah I know what you mean 4get - I see babies everywhere and hear people talking about them everywhere. There is actually a lot of babies and adverts out there - I think I would think that even if I hadn't had a termination. I had a look at that website. I went in the chatroom but no one was there.

[4getmenot]

But I know if I turned round and said now hang on don�t you think you�re being a bit insensitive if someone started talking about there baby infront of my mate that lost hers my mate would tell me to shut up and say she can talk about her baby all she wants and that I was being silly and she would not appreciate it at all.

[karmgirl]

I need to redcrx - but I'm not brave enough at the moment. They probably don't want to hear me whinging on after two years. They will prob think just get over it. Which is true but I need to talk to them before I can I think. I'm sure that would resolve everything. How do I approach the subject with them though - oh yeah you know 2 years ago I had an abortion........

[4getmenot]

you just tell them exactly what you have here

[karmgirl]

Yes I also think that about my colleague who had a miscarriage. She only had it recently and one of her friends who has a baby was worried to phone her and speak to her as she was afraid of upsetting her because she had a child. My colleague was like 'yeah she shouldn't be worried about that at all, I understand other people have babies and life goes on, I haven't got a problem with that'

I wish I could be more like that - the only reason really is that I think everyone who talks about babies in front of me who knows I have had an abortion is being insensitive and they are glad that I have had an abortion and they are thinking ha, I know all about pregnancy and babies and you don't - ahh poor girl, she doesn't know what its like to go through something as special as pregnancy and birth, she doesn't know the joys a child can bring. Thats the only problem that stopping me getting over this is that thats how I think other people are thinking when they talk to me about babies. Even that sounds irrational to me, so why can't I get over it grrr

[4getmenot]

karmgirl that last bit is exactly what you need to say to a counsellor, and you are progressing already by admitting you know you blame them and shouldnt.

[redcrx]

do you think its perhaps guilt that makes you think they are judging you?
Im sure they think nothing of the sort about you, they probably just think youre fine with it as it was your decision to go through with it. Perhaps you should try and talk to them about it and how you felt as if that was your only choice at time.

[4getmenot]

We can all say whats done is done and you cant change the past etc, but some people just cant see it that way and do hold on. Some people hide it and get pregnant again thinking that will solve problems everybody deals with it a different way but believe me what you are doing will stop you getting on in life please book an appointment before you go to far with this and send yourself mad

[karmgirl]

I think I've just today, by talking about it, realised the main core reason I can't get over my abortion and that is because of the last paragraph in my last post. I have only just realised this so that is progress. I know I go on a bit but it does help to talk things through cus all your replies kinda get me thinking about what is the real problem here if you know what I mean. Thanks xxx

p.s. I might be back yet to talk some more soz in advance x

[redcrx]

No problem karmgirl.
Dont let this eat you up, try and get it shared with your colleagues as well x

[4getmenot]

Eaxctly and because you dont know us there are no other issues you are taking into account like well she's just saying that because I didnt reply to her txt other day.... It does help to talk and this is all counsellors do they will talk and talk until suddenly out of no where comes the underlying problem that you never knew existed.

[4getmenot]

So now you know the problem up to you to work on a solution xx