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How do you put the past behind you?
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I'm generally a happy individual. I've been happily married for 29 years to a caring, loving bloke, and we have two healthy, happy adult sons. We're reasonably healthy and although money is a struggle, we manage.
Yet I still can't forget the past.
Whilst my childhood was relatively happy and secure, my overriding memories are those of never being good enough. Whatever I achieved, any parental praise that came with it was accompanied by a certain level of criticism and was often compared to the achievements of my older sister, held up to me as an example I should follow. She has, in subsequent years, turned out to be an example I would never want to follow in a million years, but that's another matter - I think.
I've also been reminded on many occasions of my faults, again by my parents, and my mother in particular. I was a troublesome child, I've been told. I was always crying and fraying my mother's nerves, meddling where I shouldn't, breaking things, making a mess, doing things 'wrong' so that my mother would have to step in and take over the task. In short, I wasn't the feminine, lace-wearing daughter my mother wanted me to be.
At secondary school, partly because of behaviours learnt as a result of my mother's attitude, and partly because of being overweight, I lacked confidence and allowed myself to be ridiculed and laughed at by staff and students alike. I didn't regain my confidence for a number of years after that, and that was only when I took the plunge and enrolled at university as a mature student (university's not for the likes of us, mum would say). I found people who wanted to know me for what I could do and say, and who didn't judge on my faults or my past.
I'm good these days. I have confidence, I have people who respect me for myself. I have an open mind and good, genuine friends from all walks of life. As I said, I'm a happy bunny these days. Any difficulties I've
Yet I still can't forget the past.
Whilst my childhood was relatively happy and secure, my overriding memories are those of never being good enough. Whatever I achieved, any parental praise that came with it was accompanied by a certain level of criticism and was often compared to the achievements of my older sister, held up to me as an example I should follow. She has, in subsequent years, turned out to be an example I would never want to follow in a million years, but that's another matter - I think.
I've also been reminded on many occasions of my faults, again by my parents, and my mother in particular. I was a troublesome child, I've been told. I was always crying and fraying my mother's nerves, meddling where I shouldn't, breaking things, making a mess, doing things 'wrong' so that my mother would have to step in and take over the task. In short, I wasn't the feminine, lace-wearing daughter my mother wanted me to be.
At secondary school, partly because of behaviours learnt as a result of my mother's attitude, and partly because of being overweight, I lacked confidence and allowed myself to be ridiculed and laughed at by staff and students alike. I didn't regain my confidence for a number of years after that, and that was only when I took the plunge and enrolled at university as a mature student (university's not for the likes of us, mum would say). I found people who wanted to know me for what I could do and say, and who didn't judge on my faults or my past.
I'm good these days. I have confidence, I have people who respect me for myself. I have an open mind and good, genuine friends from all walks of life. As I said, I'm a happy bunny these days. Any difficulties I've
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Sorry, the system cut me off there before I could finish. What I meant to say was:
I'm good these days. I have confidence, I have people who respect me for myself. I have an open mind and good, genuine friends from all walks of life. As I said, I'm a happy bunny these days. Any difficulties I've had, I've tried to overcome them rather than just waiting for the world to compensate me for what it's done to me.
Except that my mum still moans, still picks out my faults and still blames me (and, I've noticed, my late father and her own parents) for her failings. A friend has said that I should let this past go now, forget the bad stuff or it'll just blight my life until the day I die. I know he's right, but I don't know how to do that. There's so much revenge and justice that I want to take back on the people who have damaged me over the years, plus I have this ongoing battle with my now elderly mother.
So how do I do it?
I'm good these days. I have confidence, I have people who respect me for myself. I have an open mind and good, genuine friends from all walks of life. As I said, I'm a happy bunny these days. Any difficulties I've had, I've tried to overcome them rather than just waiting for the world to compensate me for what it's done to me.
Except that my mum still moans, still picks out my faults and still blames me (and, I've noticed, my late father and her own parents) for her failings. A friend has said that I should let this past go now, forget the bad stuff or it'll just blight my life until the day I die. I know he's right, but I don't know how to do that. There's so much revenge and justice that I want to take back on the people who have damaged me over the years, plus I have this ongoing battle with my now elderly mother.
So how do I do it?
Hello saxy_jag, I know a little of how you are feeling. My mother was very similar to yours and led me a dogs life. To start with I am adopted and my mother wanted a boy but my father wanted a girl so they adopted me first. Unfortuantely my father became ill so my mother never got her boy. When I was a child if ever I did anything wrong she would say she was sending me back where I came from, and I didn't know where that was. I never quite lived up to her expectations and even when I was an adult, married with children she would constantly find fault with anything I did and she would talk about me and complain when I was not in the room (she did this even to my husband). Anyway she became very ill and relied on me for most things. I was on call 24/7 but that wasn't always enough. She died about 12 months ago but I have a clear concience as I did my very best for her right up to her last hours. Some of the things she did and said still upset me a little, but now I just get on with my own life. I hope you can realise that you are a better person than your mother, and it is her loss.
Hi saxy ,
so may be, just may be! It's your mums inadequacies that for all these years you have felt the brunt of. Take a step back, may be your mum had her own feelings about herself to deal with? Very easy to pass the buck on to you! Reading between the lines, your mum comes across as a very unhappy lady for whatever reason? Don't continue to carry this around in 'your' life anymore xxx
so may be, just may be! It's your mums inadequacies that for all these years you have felt the brunt of. Take a step back, may be your mum had her own feelings about herself to deal with? Very easy to pass the buck on to you! Reading between the lines, your mum comes across as a very unhappy lady for whatever reason? Don't continue to carry this around in 'your' life anymore xxx
I wonder, have you ever spoken frankly to your mum about all this? It might be she would be absolutely devastated if she realised what she'd done to you. My 26 year old son has told me that he blames me for the fact he hasn't done anything useful with his life. And this was because I was apparently always telling him he was very bright (which he was - Mensa material but no ambition) and should make the most of his talents. Whether this is true or not, we'll never know but I truly did my best for him but he sees things very differently. I often look back, wondering whether or not I could have done things differently but I really don't know how I could have. My point is, your mum may genuinely not be aware what you're going through. Once you get into a certain pattern of behaviour, it quickly becomes the 'norm'. As sachs says, maybe it's HER inadequacies that need to be addressed. I'm not sure how to approach her; I'm no expert I'm afraid but maybe there's a way ... If this really isn't possible, then do as others suggest. You can't forget the past but you can compartmentalise it. Put it in a filing cabinet right at the back of your mind, knowing it will only again see the light of day if you open the draw. It really does work.
In those days, parenting was very different to how it is now. There is so much advice now and it's constantly drummed into today's parents that children must always be given praise no matter what.
Teachers were also very different then and pupils who perhaps did not achiive as highly as their peers, where either ignored or told they were stupid and would amount to nothing
Some parents today will still compare siblings with each other, rather than assessing each child as an individual and back in the day this was more common.
You probably should understand that your parents made mistakes. Keep remembering that you were the success your mother was not as a parent, as you now have two happy adult sons. You will never be able to put right the wrongs of the past, but try to focus on your successes and the confidence you now have.
Teachers were also very different then and pupils who perhaps did not achiive as highly as their peers, where either ignored or told they were stupid and would amount to nothing
Some parents today will still compare siblings with each other, rather than assessing each child as an individual and back in the day this was more common.
You probably should understand that your parents made mistakes. Keep remembering that you were the success your mother was not as a parent, as you now have two happy adult sons. You will never be able to put right the wrongs of the past, but try to focus on your successes and the confidence you now have.
Try to see your mother as the one with problems, not you.
She has poor parental skills and seems to be a very unhappy person. Maybe she had an atrocious childhood, a disappointing marriage, feels bitter and unfilfilled. Maybe she is just not a very nice person.
Despite this, you have thrived and are a successful well-rounded adult. You have the deserved love of your children and don't need revenge.
You need to forgive - you have so much more than your mother. Whenever she starts criticising, just see what you have achieved despite your mother, and ignore her.
You had no choice about your feelings when you were growing up - now you do. It is up to you entirely whether or not you let this woman upset you, and whether or not you allow past actions to eat away at you.
Let it go.
She has poor parental skills and seems to be a very unhappy person. Maybe she had an atrocious childhood, a disappointing marriage, feels bitter and unfilfilled. Maybe she is just not a very nice person.
Despite this, you have thrived and are a successful well-rounded adult. You have the deserved love of your children and don't need revenge.
You need to forgive - you have so much more than your mother. Whenever she starts criticising, just see what you have achieved despite your mother, and ignore her.
You had no choice about your feelings when you were growing up - now you do. It is up to you entirely whether or not you let this woman upset you, and whether or not you allow past actions to eat away at you.
Let it go.
Don't blame your parents. Mine always bought me shoes that were too small - goodness knows why; but the result has been years of painful feet for me. For that much I do blame them, because there's nothing I can do to change my feet.
I don't blame them for anything else, though. Because if I don't like what they made me, I can change - but it's up to me to do so. I can't go back to them and tell them to try again. My life is now my responsibility.
Same for you. Tell your mother what you've said here and make it clear you don't want any more of it. If she still keeps criticising, you are under no obligation to go back for more. Stick with people who build you up, not the ones who run you down, relatives or not. (Just think how few people have been with a loving, caring bloke for 29 years.) You seem able to count your blessings, which is good. Enjoy the present, work for the future. There is no point in dwelling on the past, as it is bringing you grief. It's not easy cutting yourself off from your family, but if it's bringing you more pain than pleasure, you should consider doing it.
Good luck on this one. You can escape your past.
I don't blame them for anything else, though. Because if I don't like what they made me, I can change - but it's up to me to do so. I can't go back to them and tell them to try again. My life is now my responsibility.
Same for you. Tell your mother what you've said here and make it clear you don't want any more of it. If she still keeps criticising, you are under no obligation to go back for more. Stick with people who build you up, not the ones who run you down, relatives or not. (Just think how few people have been with a loving, caring bloke for 29 years.) You seem able to count your blessings, which is good. Enjoy the present, work for the future. There is no point in dwelling on the past, as it is bringing you grief. It's not easy cutting yourself off from your family, but if it's bringing you more pain than pleasure, you should consider doing it.
Good luck on this one. You can escape your past.
Hi saxy.
I know something of what you're talking about. but am afraid i have no advice on how to leave it behind. I have never learned and still can't.
I was a skinny, bony kid and always tall for my age and was bullied and made fun of at school. The problem was, i was also made fun of at home, by my mum. I remember her saying i looked like a 'biafran' - even though i didn't understand it at the time - not really - and laughing at my gangly legs and bony knees and bony rib-cage etc. I was a high achiever at school and regulalrly came top of the class but it never was enough to get any praise at home. All the attention was centered on my younger brother who was clingy and didn't do so well and was mum's favourite. All the attention was on him and how to encourage him more, promises of rewards if he did 'better' and for me it was 'well, you can do it. it's not as easy for him'.
I tried my best to get some recognition but it never came. I've been left with an overwhelming knowledge that whatever i do 'it's just not good enough!'. A perfectionist, who's biggest critic is me and it doesn't matter how much i 'KNOW' i'm ok - i don't 'BELIEVE' it.
I was never able to address the issues with my mum, who died when i was 23, 24 years ago and never raised it with my Dad, who may have been able to give me some answers, but died 8 years ago. I understand that our parents are human beings, who have their own hang-ups and troubles arising mostly from the way THEY were brought up. But i do wish i had been able to talk about it.
So i guess i do have some advice - before she's gone, before you lose any chance of resolving this - talk to her and tell her the truth. At least you will have tried.
I know something of what you're talking about. but am afraid i have no advice on how to leave it behind. I have never learned and still can't.
I was a skinny, bony kid and always tall for my age and was bullied and made fun of at school. The problem was, i was also made fun of at home, by my mum. I remember her saying i looked like a 'biafran' - even though i didn't understand it at the time - not really - and laughing at my gangly legs and bony knees and bony rib-cage etc. I was a high achiever at school and regulalrly came top of the class but it never was enough to get any praise at home. All the attention was centered on my younger brother who was clingy and didn't do so well and was mum's favourite. All the attention was on him and how to encourage him more, promises of rewards if he did 'better' and for me it was 'well, you can do it. it's not as easy for him'.
I tried my best to get some recognition but it never came. I've been left with an overwhelming knowledge that whatever i do 'it's just not good enough!'. A perfectionist, who's biggest critic is me and it doesn't matter how much i 'KNOW' i'm ok - i don't 'BELIEVE' it.
I was never able to address the issues with my mum, who died when i was 23, 24 years ago and never raised it with my Dad, who may have been able to give me some answers, but died 8 years ago. I understand that our parents are human beings, who have their own hang-ups and troubles arising mostly from the way THEY were brought up. But i do wish i had been able to talk about it.
So i guess i do have some advice - before she's gone, before you lose any chance of resolving this - talk to her and tell her the truth. At least you will have tried.
The only way I think is to have counselling to talk through the feelings and start to deal with them or they will always be there.
I am doing that now as I keep going from one relationship to the next and the feelings of being alone from my childhood keep coming back over and over.
Through therapy I am going to deal with it once and for all then I can get on with my future.
You can never change what has happened in the past but you can change the way for the future.
I am doing that now as I keep going from one relationship to the next and the feelings of being alone from my childhood keep coming back over and over.
Through therapy I am going to deal with it once and for all then I can get on with my future.
You can never change what has happened in the past but you can change the way for the future.
saxy_jag. I once saw a book called "Your parents **** you up." and thought how true it was.
My Mum used to call me 'odd' sometimes. I remember one occasion she called me odd as she was taking me on a trip to the dentist (which was about an hours drive away) and I was quite happy to sit there and look out the window/listen to the radio, rather than talk non-stop like my sister. To this day, I always feel like I don't talk enough to people, even though I make a massive effort to do so. My husband says I'm very good at breaking the ice and talking to people......but I don't feel like I am!!
The legacy they leave us with.
I try to live more in the present now and accept my feelings of 'failure' and just uncomfortable feelings and do the best I can.
I also a damn determined not to burden either of my boys with feelings of inadequacy, failure or criticism.
My Mum used to call me 'odd' sometimes. I remember one occasion she called me odd as she was taking me on a trip to the dentist (which was about an hours drive away) and I was quite happy to sit there and look out the window/listen to the radio, rather than talk non-stop like my sister. To this day, I always feel like I don't talk enough to people, even though I make a massive effort to do so. My husband says I'm very good at breaking the ice and talking to people......but I don't feel like I am!!
The legacy they leave us with.
I try to live more in the present now and accept my feelings of 'failure' and just uncomfortable feelings and do the best I can.
I also a damn determined not to burden either of my boys with feelings of inadequacy, failure or criticism.
Thank you for all your very sensible and comforting advice.
There are times when I can talk to Mum about this, but it's tricky trying to guess how receptive a mood she's in. I have tried explaining to her in the past. I think I'm getting somewhere and she begins to open up about her childhood (her only purpose as a girl was to look after her siblings, and then, when she married, to look after Dad and us) and how it's responsible for the way she is, but when I begin to talk about how her parenting affected me, that's different. I am, she says, talking rubbish and it's not her fault at all. Well, I can but try.
In most respects, my mum has been a good parent. She's fed and clothed me and always made sure I had the best that she and dad could afford (or sometimes not, but I got it anyway because she wanted me to have what she never could). I could never cut her off, and I'm learning to ignore her, or at least to let her get on with it, when she starts. She moans because I'm not listening to her
There are times when I can talk to Mum about this, but it's tricky trying to guess how receptive a mood she's in. I have tried explaining to her in the past. I think I'm getting somewhere and she begins to open up about her childhood (her only purpose as a girl was to look after her siblings, and then, when she married, to look after Dad and us) and how it's responsible for the way she is, but when I begin to talk about how her parenting affected me, that's different. I am, she says, talking rubbish and it's not her fault at all. Well, I can but try.
In most respects, my mum has been a good parent. She's fed and clothed me and always made sure I had the best that she and dad could afford (or sometimes not, but I got it anyway because she wanted me to have what she never could). I could never cut her off, and I'm learning to ignore her, or at least to let her get on with it, when she starts. She moans because I'm not listening to her
I keep doing this - hitting the submit button before I'm ready.
As I said, I'm learning to deal with her and her moods, and whilst I don't particularly like my sister, she does back me up when Mum is clearly in the wrong, so that's a help. Sis doesn't criticise half as much as she used to, probably because she knows how futile it would be. I guess I need to take away the emotional attachment to mum as I have with Sis.
I understand the need not to blame Mum, especially when she's had problems of her own, but I think the frustrating thing is that then that leaves me with no-one to blame, and I refuse to blame myself. I used to do that, but I know now that it's not my fault.
LeChat, I will look out for that book and some similar titles. Maybe they'll be able to offer some coping strategies. and tombrandy, I think you have a really good point there. Being myself and casting thoughts of parents to the wind has allowed me to show people the real me, and they have become valued friends, so maybe I should do more of that.
I'll let you all know how I get on, and thanks again, all of you. It's been really good to get this off my chest.
As I said, I'm learning to deal with her and her moods, and whilst I don't particularly like my sister, she does back me up when Mum is clearly in the wrong, so that's a help. Sis doesn't criticise half as much as she used to, probably because she knows how futile it would be. I guess I need to take away the emotional attachment to mum as I have with Sis.
I understand the need not to blame Mum, especially when she's had problems of her own, but I think the frustrating thing is that then that leaves me with no-one to blame, and I refuse to blame myself. I used to do that, but I know now that it's not my fault.
LeChat, I will look out for that book and some similar titles. Maybe they'll be able to offer some coping strategies. and tombrandy, I think you have a really good point there. Being myself and casting thoughts of parents to the wind has allowed me to show people the real me, and they have become valued friends, so maybe I should do more of that.
I'll let you all know how I get on, and thanks again, all of you. It's been really good to get this off my chest.
Jag.
Im sorry you feel like this. Some/most/all of us carry this kind of thinga round with us because its what makes us who we are. The fact that you are focussing on these specific issues suggests theres recently been a trigger that has reminded you, or youve reached a stage in your life when its become important to address it.
Firstly, the book Le Chat refers to is by Oliver James. I like him alot, he talks alot fo sense in my view although the book is quite ... technical.... and perhaps not everyones cup of tea. Get it from teh local library and see for yourself.
I agree with 99% of what Ethel says (as usual) although the 'just let it go' philosophy has never worked for me. In any scenario lol. Im just not that kind of person - my mind is too active, Im not disciplined enough.... whatever.
Like all of us Ive had some difficult times and I found psychotherapy helped. Its not for everyone but my past was severely impacting the way I was still behaving and lots of talking with a wonderful therapist I clicked with has broken alot fo that. I consider myself fortunate - its changed my life for the better.
This is not about your failure to 'let it go'. If your post comes from a feeling of guilt (that you feel these negative thoughts about your mum) then accept it. She failed you - for a million possible reasons - and that is real, and its not your fault. Its OK to feel that! Parents arent perfect.
However, if your post is prompted by you feeling limited in some way (ie being drawn back in), or still materially affected by the things that were said to you then take some time to work it all out - there are lots of options such as books, talking to friends, talking to your mum, professional help...... explore them and recognise it as an important part of you that you have overcome but still niggles enough for you to want to think about.
Good luck with it - my view is its
Im sorry you feel like this. Some/most/all of us carry this kind of thinga round with us because its what makes us who we are. The fact that you are focussing on these specific issues suggests theres recently been a trigger that has reminded you, or youve reached a stage in your life when its become important to address it.
Firstly, the book Le Chat refers to is by Oliver James. I like him alot, he talks alot fo sense in my view although the book is quite ... technical.... and perhaps not everyones cup of tea. Get it from teh local library and see for yourself.
I agree with 99% of what Ethel says (as usual) although the 'just let it go' philosophy has never worked for me. In any scenario lol. Im just not that kind of person - my mind is too active, Im not disciplined enough.... whatever.
Like all of us Ive had some difficult times and I found psychotherapy helped. Its not for everyone but my past was severely impacting the way I was still behaving and lots of talking with a wonderful therapist I clicked with has broken alot fo that. I consider myself fortunate - its changed my life for the better.
This is not about your failure to 'let it go'. If your post comes from a feeling of guilt (that you feel these negative thoughts about your mum) then accept it. She failed you - for a million possible reasons - and that is real, and its not your fault. Its OK to feel that! Parents arent perfect.
However, if your post is prompted by you feeling limited in some way (ie being drawn back in), or still materially affected by the things that were said to you then take some time to work it all out - there are lots of options such as books, talking to friends, talking to your mum, professional help...... explore them and recognise it as an important part of you that you have overcome but still niggles enough for you to want to think about.
Good luck with it - my view is its
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