Moral Dilemma

[wakeover]

My 84 yr old mil has cancer of the throat which is terminal. All the family know, officially, she has 6-8months left. She thinks possibly 2 years.
Should we tell her?
Thoughts please friends

[Lakitu]

It's a tough call, I feel for you.

OK, she knows she's dying. I think that as a family, you need to decide how she will take the news that it will happen a lot sonner than what she thinks.

If you think she will handle it as well as can be expected, then you should tell her. If I were her, I'd appreciate being given the opportunity to say goodbye to my friends and family how I would like to.

[wakeover]

I entirely agree and thanks for your time. As you say, it's a tough call.

[Ice.Maiden]

I think this is very difficult to answer, since the poor woman must be scared enough as it is, without her suddenly finding that she has far less time left than she first thought.
I knew someone who had the same disease, and in fact, he lived for far longer than was expected, so imagine if that happened to your mil. After the 6-8 months, every day'd be full of wondering if it was going to be her last.
If it was me, I think I'd put it to her that these things can suddenly accelerate, and that if she has anything that she'd like to do before the worst happens, then maybe she'd like you and the family to help her with them - e.g. arrange for her to meet up with friends, maybe go out to places, etc. It's sad news though, and I wish you all the best.

[wakeover]

Thanks Ice.Maiden, I just don't know what to advise. I posed the question to, selfishly, share my grief as much as anything but your answers have been most supportive, thankyou.

[Ice.Maiden]

No - you go ahead hun. It's a very unpleasant thing to happen within families, as I know, and if you want to talk about stuff, there are loads of lovely people on here who'll listen and maybe even help with stories of their own. Telling you mil or not, can only be decided by you, as a family, as you're the ones who know whether she'd be able to accept the information. I just think, that as she's now elderly, and already knows what's happening to her, she needs confort and understanding - not further worry and fear. x

[jno]

'official' doesn't mean it's going to happen. It's just what the doctors think. I wouldn't go telling her now, as they may have got it wrong. Nearer the time - whenever it actually is - she'll probably guess herself anyway.

[Mamyalynne]

Just over two weeks ago very lovely people on here helped me through my husbands last night with me. He was only ten days past the end of radiotherapy to shrink brain tumours so we knew it was terminal, but the hardest part was actually coveying it to others in the family. He knew when the end was coming and made all the decisions aabout where and how.
So I would be guided by the felings if the person suffering and do all you can to make their wishes a reality.

All my love Mamya

[Mamyalynne]

Sorry for all the typing errors my eyes are misty

[wakeover]

Thank you all seems such an understatement, God bless

[Mamyalynne]

The only thing that will get you through is knowing that youve done what your loved one wants

you are in my prayers

mamya x

[gelda]

I've just been for a bone scan and found that the cancer of the spine that I had 18 months ago has come back so I've got to have more radiotherapy next week, I've also got breast and lung cancer, This has all been going on for 7 years now. I've told the oncologist I don't want to know the prognosis because I'm trying to live as normally as possible and if I was told that I had only so much time left I would be devastated . My family are right behind me on this but as you say this is only my thoughts and other people might want to know it depends on the individual and family circumstances. Personally I wouldn't tell your mil but that is only my opinion and only you will figure out how she will take it, keep telling her to think positive it really helps. Give her my best wishes I know what she's going through. Gelda x

[Lakitu]

(((((gelda)))))))

[Eve]

The thing that occurred to me was that what if someone else tells her or it comes out somewhere along the line and she feel betrayed that the family didn't tell her and she didn't get to do what she wanted because she thought she had much time.

It must be such an incredibly hard time for you and my thoughts are with you.

[Drisgirl]

My Nannie had a brain tumour and subsequently we discovered as a family that she had had breast cancer for a while.
The 'girls' were told and then she was taken in and gently asked if she had any questions- and what she said was -as long as my lassies know i'll be fine.She had the happiest last few weeks of her life surrounded everyday with her loving family-what a blessing -no tears until we left the ward -but it was wonderful to be able to share all our memories -have a laugh with her and to see her so happy.Now thats the way to go IMO !!!

Mamya -I feel for you hun -I had no idea -I am so sorry for your loss -its true -when the lonely night surrounds you -sometimes I have came on here and in the main I have had nothing but kindness and I have found solace -its hard to talk to family as they too are suffering - take care xxx

Gelda -I know you have been through the mill hun -I am very sorry to hear that you are still suffering -you certainly drew the short straw - -you have a positive attitude and I do hope this sees you through this again -you certainly have the right attitude -you take care hun -be strong xxx

[bednobs]

i am quite interested to know how the doctors (presumaly) told you about her prognosis, but didnt tell her? That seems rather strange to me. If she said it was okay for you to have this talk with the doctors, and she didnt want to be there then fine, she dosen want to know dont tell her.
The other problem with discussing prognosis with her is that in 6 months time, she isn just going to get up as normal then die - there will be a deterioration, which will be time enough to talk about the time thats left

[terambulan]

Your dear mum is 84 and knows her time is short. I don't recommend you tell her she has cancer as the fear of an agonising death may shorten her life even more.

Cancer sufferers are often given morphine to relieve their suffering.....her passing will be peaceful.

[Mamyalynne]

I agree with Terambulan and can say that is very true and noone needs to struggle and the end will be very peaceful. Enjoy the time you have left and create some happy times to remember along the way.
Mamya x

[ruthann58]

my dad had cancer and was quite positive until the doctor told him he thought it would be a good idea to put his affairs in order he was dead with in 3 weeks once he knew there was no hope he just gave up and did not fight it he was 57

[wakeover]

On behalf of my wife and myself, thanks sincerely for all your comments.

[naflharrison]

hi my grandfather has prostate cancer which has started to spread and its very hard to deal with. i think like many have said before you will have to judge how she will take the news that she may die sooner than she thinks. i also work in healthcare and have found in the past some people take the news reasonably well and try to enjoy the time they have others cannot handle it and tend to give up which means alot of the time their time come sooner as they are not keeping going with things. im only coming to terms with the fact that i know my grandfather will effectivly die from cancer and that it could happen alot sooner than what i thought. ( ive never thought of my grandparents not being there, never thought of them dieing until now, we are very close and they practically brought me up.) im not sure how you can deal with this other than if you are having any kind of conversation with her about being ill then drop into it that its just an illness that cant have a time limit to it and she should enjoy herself and keep living. take care x