Relationship dilemma

[matpat29]

I'm seeing a fantastic girl - been together about 3 years. Everything is great in the relationship - we get on better than anyone I know, very rarely argue, have the same sense of humour. Added to this, she is incredibly supportive and never does my head in with the usual female stuff (doesn't mind me watching football etc). The only problem is, I want to sleep with every attractive girl I see - REALLY want to. It's a very powerful urge which i struggle to contain. I'm pretty disciplined about these things though and have never/would never cheat on her, but it's hard. As I've said, I would never cheat, so my options are these as I see it. Either stay with her and accept the fact that my bachelor days are over or finish with her and sleep around. To tell the truth, I know the answer to this - I'll stay with her cos you don't find many girls like this and I care about her too much, but do you think these urges ever go away with men (or women - interested to hear your side too)?

[WaldoMcFroog]

A few times, during laddish conversations, I have heard male friends or colleagues say 'I can't tell if she's attractive; I'm married.'

Back when I was single, I used to think 'What a load of rubbish!' Now, I am married I still think it's a load of rubbish. It is entirely clear to me whom I fancy - my ability to judge the attractiveness of other women hasn't decreased one iota. And why would it? Moreover, if it did, it would mean that everytime you told your partner that they were pretty or sexy, you'd be lying, because these concepts rely on comparisons. My wife is equally capable of finding other people attractive, incidentally. We're both grown up enough to accept this is normal. Of course, if I got caught cheating, my chances of fathering would be forever removed - and fair enough, really.

I have never had to struggle to control the urge to sleep with someone in the way that you describe, so I can't really imagine what it must be like to find it that hard to resist (and well done for doing so incidentally).

The sexual urge does decrease in men with age, as you'll know, your sexual peak is at about 18 (how unfair that seems now I'm in my thirites, but then I suppose there is more to life than sitting around interfeering with yourself...), so it will probably slowly decrease.

I think you make the point when you say you'll stay because you don't find many girls like that.

[nicola_red]

I don't think the urges ever go away personally. the only thing to do is weight up the pros and cons of each option and make an informed decision. If you decide to go for monogamy then I don't know of any way to contain the urges, except make sure that things in the bedroom department remain as fresh and exciting as possible. I have gone for monogamy btw - in my last relationship tried to have my cake and eat it and it just doesn't work! Good luck!

[becks]

I wish you could speak to my ex as he did finish with me! I'm not sure whether it was the right thing for him or not, although it proved to be the right thing for me as I found someone who actually wanted to be with me and not sleep with other people. My ex (we'll call him steve) broke up with me becuase he suddenly got terrified that he'd have to marry me and felt he couldn't do that, he also said if he stayed with he'd end up cheating on me and didn't want to do that - he even thought about asking me if we could have a baby cos he'd never cheat on me if i had his child hmmm, great reason! How old are you? Are you approaching 30? This seems to happen to a lot of guys i know who have been with a girl for a while, head for 30 and suddenyl go God! I've got to grow up! Bachelor days are over! And for a lot of men, they can't cope with that and break up with a perfectly good girlfriend that they love. Some may live to regret it some may not, but be wary because if you do break up with her, chances are she'll meet someone else who will genuinely want to be with her and her alone - and it may be only then that you realise what you had. HAving said that if you stay, are you sure it's the right person if you're capable of feeling like that?Sorry for the personal questions but are you not satisfied with your girlfriend? If not that's an issue which you could resolve and may change your feelings, if you are i think there's another reason why you feel that you HAVE to sleep with every attractive girl, won't psycho-analyse you yet!I agree with waldo, being with someone that you love doesn't instantly render everyone else ugly - but you should be able to remain faithful if you truly love her and believe in monogamy.

[dirtyharriet]

I notice you don't say that you and your girlfriend have a great sex life. Do you think that you could be dissatisfied in this area of your relationship? This may explain why you are lusting after other women. From what you have said, you are very fond of your girlfriend and appreciate her qualities, however that doesn't mean that you are in love with her, or are right for each other. I don't think it's very fair to her if you stay with her because you don't think you'll find anyone else as good. I could be wrong but it doesn't come across to me that your feelings are very deep or passionate for this woman. You make your future together sound like some sort of life sentence. Maybe it's just that I am comparing your situation with my own relationship. I, romantic fool that I am, fell in love with my partner the minute I saw him and still feel the same 7 years later.I have no desire to even look at another man as he is everything and more, that I have ever wanted.I am totally and passionately in love with him.If I thought for one moment that he felt as you do, I would know for definite that he was not in love with me. While it is perfectly normal to appreciate the attractiveness of the opposite sex, to have such strong feelings towards them as you do would signify to me that either your sex life is not fulfilling you or you are with the wrong woman. Just my two cents worth.

[andy hughes]

I sympehtise - I spend every waking hour studying attractive women, but my interest is rather less sexual, i tend to study forms and faces as you would a photograph or a painting - admiring attractive qualities in a woman, which does not lead me to the urge to sleep with her. I would suggest you simply have to apply a little willpower, and accept that there are gains and losses in both relationships and the single life. Expecting to have both is just not adult behaviour, so accept that this relationhip is worth the sacrifices, and direct your urges towards your parter, accept for your fantasies, which are yours to enjoy, provided that's where they stay - in your mind.

[matpat29]

All good answers to be fair. I think/know that youre right Andy - to be honest I really just wanted some opinions on the situation. Thanks for your advice Harriet but I honestly don't think the problem goes as deep as you suggest - the only reason I didn't mention the physical side of our realtionship (which is more adventurous/satisfying than any I've ever had) is that I've been warned about getting too close to the bone (pardon the pun) on this site before. At the end of the day we're all just beasts and the way we handle these urges defines us as human beings I think (if that's not getting too deep). At the end of the day it's clear that having a companion throughout life with whom you can be happy both physically and emotionally is too precious a thing to throw away.

[K99]

Does the really attractive girl want to sleep with you? If yes and you can get away with it (ie your girlfriend wont find out) then just sleep with her. Why not and don't feel guilty its no big deal.

[saffstar]

K99 - I hope that was a joke, you horror!!! matpat29, I think you've answered your own question several times over - go with your gut instinct, give it your best shot and I wish you the very best of luck with it :)

[keirah]

typical male how would you feel if your partner wanted 2 bed another male? end the relationship coz 1 day u will just sleep behind her back and it will all come out so you might as well sleep about while not in a relationship and not hurt your bird LOSER

[country_boy]

Take it from me, you'll miss her/what you have, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Never quite found anyone like that since. Go with your instincts.