Tension between me and Mum

[indieanna86]

Hi all,

I'm 22 and living at home with my parents still, though in the new year I'm planning to move out. Over the past few months me and mum have been rowing quite a lot and its starting to get worse. Just lately she has been saying things that really make me feel like a child, such as asking why I'm still up at midnight on a Saturday night, and telling me I'm not allowed to walk my dog after dark because its dangerous...I know she is trying to look out for me, but I really feel like I'm being suffocated. I know that I tend to reply to things like this in a snappy way, so yesterday I just decided that rather than snap back, I'll just ignore it.
So last night mum said to me 'I've had a really horrible Sunday because of you. I've had nobody to talk to so thanks very much for ruining my weekend!' Which of course has got me upset, but I don't know how to tell her that I need her to let me grow up without hurting her feelings.
Like I said, I know she is just doing what comes naturally, but I'm an adult now and I'm going crazy...

Could anyone offer some advice as to how to deal with this? I would be so so grateful, thank you!

Anna x

[pips1]

I don't know if you'll want to hear from me really - as I'm a mum! It's just that I read this and thought I was reading about my daughter and I as it's just the same with us. My daughter is 23 and we live togrether, just the 2 of us (through no fault of our own).

I try so hard to remember what it was like to be young and not to judge her or make comments about what she does.

I was on my own for 8 weeks last year as she moved out to live with 2 mates (after only telling me the week before) and it was a real upheaval moving all her stuff. 8 weeks later we had to move it all back as she hadn't thought it through properly and found that she couldn't cope and had no money.

I was pleased to see her as I admit it had been lonely without her (although I have to admit it was less stressful and a lot more tidy - lol!) I didn't say I told you so or anything like that, just said that maybe we should try and be like 2 adults sharing a house rather than mother and daughter.

However, I still pay by far the most to keep us. We live in rented accommodation which is not cheap and she goes out and buys clothes and does whatever she likes. She does pay keep though but what she can afford.

I just feel she resents having to be with me and speaks to me with a real tone in her voice. The only time I see her happy is when she is with her friends. Yesterday we went to see my son who has just moved house (he left 2 years ago, but is older) and she went on all day about how lucky he was.

It is so hard for us mums to do the right thing you know. I sometimes feel like asking my daughter for a script so I know what I can say! Good luck x

[smurfchops]

Mums will always worry, no matter how old you are. But I think she should let you live your own life now, even if it means moving out. I know what its like ... I was that daughter and now I'm that mum, though I try not to be stifling and I let my daughter do whatever she wants, I have been lucky with her though, no drugs etc. But when she is living at home, I always worry when she comes home late. On the other hand, I always encourage her if she wants to work abroad, which she has done, and hope she looks forward to coming back, whether to live with me or rent a flat. Your mum shouldn't blackmail you into feeling guilty by saying you have ruined her weekend, she should live her own life as well. I think if you move out you will be able to 'breathe' better and hopefully when you do see your mum you will have a better relationship with her. It is your life, whatever she says. Good luck.

[judypark]

Hi Anna, you say that this has been going on for a few months now so it's a fairly recent thing. Two things spring to mind. She is probably dreading you leaving and exercising what little concieved power she has left over you. Also, she may be experiencing the menapause which can have a huge psychological impact on some women and cause irrational behaviour.
The only advice I can offer is to not to snap back, hard I know. You will be independent in a couple of months, and when your mum sees that you can indeed survive without her supervision, I'n sure thngs will become better for both of you. Good luck.

[pips1]

Hi indieanna, have any of our replies helped you at all? You seem to have disappeared, just wondered if you were OK!

[indieanna86]

Hi guys,

Thanks very much for the replies, I really appreciate it! Things are a little better with me and mum now, we still have the odd moment but I think both of us are trying to make more of an effort to keep things peaceful.

I'll still be moving out and she's even pointed out a couple of flat ads in the local paper for me so I think she's getting used to the idea of me going.

Thanks again!