Time for a change -or just grow up?

[Confused9999]

I have been married for 24 years. I feel trapped. We do not communicate and I spend as much time as possible away from home. I am crabby and full of envy for others (although I have a lot to be envious about). Do I shape up or ship out?

[andy hughes]

Shipping out tends to be a step from which you can't step back, attemtping to shape up leaves the ship out option open. In plain English, have a go at saving your marriage, and if that fails, you can move on with your life. If you don't communicate, try to find out why not. If it always ends in shouting, try talking things through over a restaurant meal - being in public does wonders for keeping voices down! Envy is natrual when you feel disatisfied with life, have a long objective look at reasons for staying, and for going, and try to talk over your future with your partner, if in fact you have one. You may be surprised at what can be revealed when two people have negelcted their communication. If you feel confused, write it all down first, and have some essential points to work on. It won't all happen in one sitting, but maybe things will improve once you get going. From the tone of your question, what have go got to lose? Or gain? Start thinking ... and talking.

[incitatus]

Try making out lists...(be certain spouse doesnt find them) enumerating what the problems actually are. Many times one finds that the things that make us feeel trapped, dissatisfied etc. are actually things we do ourselves. Particularly when youve got to a certain age. If this is the case leaving wouldn't sort the problem anyway. Inside a relationship communication is always key. But having a realistic idea as to what is wrong and admitting whose fault it is can help. We often project our own failings on to others.

[findo]

Why are you asking strangers about this? That's a serious question - people often make the mistake of giving up on friends when they marry and just relying on their partner. Try to make new friendships or rekindle old ones. All the things you mention are symptoms not causes. Ask yourself WHY do I feel trapped? What could I do to improve the situation? Why don't we communicate? How much of that is down to holding grudges? Try to identify the cause as you see it and then to come up with a solution that is fair to both of you. Then, BEFORE you ask your partner to change, try to change yourself for the good as much as you can. If you are obviously working to hold back that crabbiness, your partner may start to feel better about the relationship and be more inclined to listen when you suggest any changes. You can't force them to change, but if you feel better then that will have an effect on your marriage. You could start with why you feel envious of others. Is it their relationships you envy, or something else such as their financial security? OK, so you're not going to win the lottery overnight, but if you did what would it change that would matter to you most? Without a lottery win, is there any way you could change the things that matter most? For example, if you are worried about debt, you could go and see the Citizen's Advice bureau for help. If it's happy relationships you envy, you could go to Relate (on your own if necessary) to deal with that. It sounds like your situation is making you stressed and miserable. Get help, get support wherever you can. Go on medication or get counselling if you think it will help. If you can shake the depression off it will give you more energy to start changing your life. As for shipping out, if violence, drugs or alcohol are involved in your problems (on either side) then seriously consider it. If not, start by doing what you can to help yourself and it will change your relationship ' and your life.