Advice needed!!

[poppy_76]

About 18 months ago I was on vacation in the UK and met a guy through friends I have here. I went back home and we kept up the friendship via email and it turned into a serious relationship. Only problem is he is married with two kids. He was going through a separation from his wife when I met him though, and his marriage had been having problems for 5 years previous to this as well. I now find myself back in the UK for a period of at least 2 years. His wife is still on the scene, and whilst we are keen to still see each other, am I kidding myself that he will ever get divorced? He doesn't want his kids to see me in case they tell his wife about me, and he will only see me in places where his wife is not likely to be. The strain is getting to me and him - is it worth carrying on like this?

[georgit79]

poppy_76, this isn't an easy situation at all. It is obvious you have strong feelings for this guy, and all you are waiting for is him. What is the current situation with his wife? Are they separating/separated, or are they still together? You haven't made this clear.

In my opinion, you really need to think long and hard about what you want. If the man is still with his wife, can you face breaking up a marriage? Does this man love you? Has he told you what he wants?  Maybe he thought it was easy whilst you were still based in the US, but now you've moved to Britain semi-permanently, he has wimped out?

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide, but I think it's ultimatum time!

[poppy_76]

Unfortunately the situation with his wife is that they are still living in the same house, albeit on separate floors, so they see each other every day. He still describes his situation to people as 'going through a separation' even though he has been doing this for a year. I don't want to break up a marriage, but he says he wants me & not her.

[georgit79]

Then he has to act on it. You can't wait around forever, and you need to tell him this. It's not fair on you. He's having his cake and eating it at the moment.

[FTVS]

Poppy - sorry but are you sure he is separated? why are they still lving in the same house?! Does he stay over with you? Sounds like he is having it all his own way. My advice would be to walk away now before you get anymore involved. You are here for two years so if he resolves the position with his marriage, well and good, he can look you up. You can't give him the old "me or her" as he will resent being forced into a corner.

[poppy_76]

they still live in the same house because of his kids - he doesn't want them to miss out on having either parent around - noble but really inconvenient! He does stay over with me occasionally though

[Robinia]

Apart from the ultimatum part the others are right. And you're not going to like this but can you really believe everything he says? Just because he stays over with you doesn't mean he isn't spinning a line with his wife too. If he does break free he may decide that he wants to be just that - free.  I would tell him that the situation isn't comfortable anymore & that you may be around if he wants to get in touch once it's been sorted out. That way the ball's in his court & if he comes after you it will be because he really wants to.

Another thought - please consider the children. Would you be willing to accept them if his wife decided to hand them over to him or if anything happened to her?

[Scarlett]

It's a cliche- but I don't think he will leave his family.

Find someone else who wants you 100%!

[Miss Zippy]

You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the future if you do the brave thing and walk away now. If this guy truly wanted you, he would move heaven and earth to make that happen, regardless of his situation. I know you don't want to hear things like this, but it seems that you are a convenient distraction for him. I'm sure he cares for you and has some feelings, but please don't fool yourself that this is going to lead to anyting long term. If nothing else, I really don't think someone in his situation is in a position to know his true feelings - he is probably feeling very hurt and messed up about his marriage but you are providing a temporary reprieve for him when he is with you - but please don't confuse this with love.  You deserve to find someone who can be totally committed to you, so let this guy go.

[Ouisch]

There have been some excellent responses posted thus far, just wanted to add my two pence...

He was still legally married when he met you, so technically he was cheating on his wife.  If they do it once, chances are, they'll do it again.  Word to the wise.

[wvaleriechas]

You wont like this either...Avoid him like the plague. There are many husbands in the world like him. He will not leave his wife & kids, they never do. Take the good advice you have been given in this column, it is sound advice. If you choose not to I can guarantee it will end in tears, YOURS. I am an old woman , I have seen it all too many times & contrary to popular belief we oldies know a rhing or two. You will get over him, you deserve better. Best of luck.

[Yinzer]

I agree with everything that was said here. If he truly wanted to be with you he would. No excuses about kids or whatever (it sounds valid, but like miss zippy said he would move heaven and earth...). And if he is capable of lying to and cheating on his wife, who says your prospects are any more secure that hers were? Also, what do you know about WHY they have problems? Because he may have certain traits that she sees after knowing him so well that you don't. He may be controlling, lazy, inconsiderate, uncooperative, or have a quick temper (among other things). I really doubt that the problems are all her fault. I know a couple that are technically still married and living together for certain reasons, but don't love/like eachother that much and see other people. If he really couldn't move out then he could atleast have an honest talk with her and not drag her into all this mess. And where will you be if he and his wife begin to resolve their issues? Or if she found out about you? I'd tell him to come see me if he ever makes up his mind (or if his wife does it for him). You deserve to carry on like a normal adult, not hiding in the shadows afraid to be seen and constantly worrying if you're making a mistake. Like they say in certain situations, If you have to ask the question then you already know the answer. Also, where do you see your relationship going? Marriage? Ending when you leave th UK? At the end of your stay expecting him to move to your country or vice versa? Will he be able to provide you with the kind of life you expect? Not just financially but socially and emotionally? If things do end with his wife those kids will be as good as yours when they come to visit him. Or else you won't see him for those visiting days or for weekends/holidays etc. How do you fell about that?

[Yinzer]

...continued... None of this is good. Also, how do you really even feel about him? Are you madly in love or just reeeeelly in like? Does he treat you the way you expected to be treated by a man? There are a lot of questions that only you can answer and ultimately the decision is yours to make, but we all have cast our votes... Best wishes to you!

[poppy_76]

thank you all so much for your advice... I think I was kind of expecting this kind of response, and hard as it is to accept, I agree with you. So (deep breaths) it is going to end. Thanks again :-)

[Miss Zippy]

Good luck poppy_76.  It won't be easy; ending a relationship never is whatever the circumstances are.  But stick to your guns, and when he tries to talk you round, which he will, just remember that you deserve so much more than this guy can offer you. 

[georgit79]

yep, all the best, poppy_76. You go girl! (I can't even pull that off when I write it)