Would you understand?

[CAJ1]

I heard on the tv the other week a lot of people do not know their other half has debts. I was in a relationship that involved emotional, physical and financial abuse resulting in debt. I was made to take out a car (even though I don't drive), a credit card and a loan amongst other things and hand it all over. I then didn't have the money to repay them due to my money being taken off me and they slowly caught up with me and since leaving him I pay each off monthly. I never told my current boyfriend of 2 and a half years this (although he knows most things about my ex), I think its because of all that happened, this is the thing I am most ashamed of and disappointed that I got myself in that situation. I need to tell him about it but don't know how to go about it, I guess I haven't told him before because I don't want him to feel ashamed or disappointed in me the same way I do. I think he will be understanding but I'm so worried about saying to him. I don't want his help in paying the debts (its my problem) but at some point he might want to get a mortgage etc with me and my credit rating will be bad and I also want to be honest with him and have no secrets between us. If your partner confessed all this to you, how would you react? Would you understand, be disappointed, feel that they've not told you the truth about things from the start?

[cazzz1975]

well its obviously not good to hear especially if you have aspirations to apply for a mortgage, however I would be more annoyed if you had done nothing to repay your debts, I think the fact you are dealing with it is a good thing.

I would have fessed up earlier though, but given the relationship and the bloke you were with he may understand why you have been hesitant.

[CAJ1]

Thanks cazzz, I think I haven't said partly because as I've said I don't want him to feel bad about me and also because every few months there seemed to be some problem with my ex (turning up, threatening me, going to court) I don't want to keep on about my ex did this and that. I know I should have said earlier and wished I had the balls to do so. Better late than never though I guess!

[Postdog]

It's a secret, and secrets are never a good thing.

As said though, you aren't burying your head in the sand, or carrying on as you did with your ex, so it is a past problem, so to speak.

Tell them. Even though you don't want help, they may be able to, and, should the worst come to the worst and they don't react how you would like, then better now maybe than down the road.

Me, I'd be happy that you finally told me, and consider it special that you felt you could.

PS, we all have baggage of one sort or another when we move on.

[muppeteer]

He will eventuall find out anyway & his reaction will be the same either way, so I would tell him now & get it out the way. I would tell him that you need to talk. Say about the tv show you saw (domestic abuse is in the press a lot right now, so he's bound to be aware) & that there was more to it than he already knows. He left you in a load of debt & although you are paying it back, you felt so ashamed your ex used you in so many wanys (even though deep down you know it was not your fault) that you could not say, but now you are ready to face what happened & get over it & feel you owe it to him to be honest if you are to have a chance together.
If it was meant to be, then he will accept it & if not- its for the best. like I say, if he finds out some other way 12 months down the line her will be angry you did not give him a chance to be understanding & sympathetic.
(by the way- I've forgiven somone in the past when I found out about a secret, so its possible. I also work in a domestic violence unit, admittedly as admin, but I've learned that as a survivor, you have to move on with life & that means confronting the reality of it & facing your demons. Its the only way).
Good luck friend

[bednobs]

i was in exactly your situation but reversed with my b/f (now husband) he waited till we moved in together before telling me about his debt problems, and i was SO mad. Not because he had had problems, but because he hadn't told me, or let me make an informed decision about financially tying myself to him. of course, after a few days of upset, we worked it out because we loved each other. it makes me laugh now, that we tied ourselves up in knots over debts of approx �2000, which now 15 years down the line seems so small compared to our debts now!

[ELVIS68]

He`ll probably be more annoyed that you didn`t tell him rather than be annoyed that you have the debts, and once you`ve explained the situation to him he`ll be proud of you for trying to sort the situation out by yourself

I`m sure that if you are going to get a mortgage he`ll help you pay off the debts anyway

Good Luck

[pinktwink]

sorry to hear you got yourself into that situation. ?However I agree with Elvis he may be more annoyed you didn't tell him and lied by default.
Relationships are based on honesty and in the future if yee look to settle down permanently he is bound to find out. Explain that you want to be honest and have no secrets and this has been troubling you . It may be a relief to you to have shared it. I am sure he will understand. Good luck

[Suzyboo]

If someone that I thought I was in a committed relationship with had kept such a secret for that long, I'd dump them

[CAJ1]

It seems promising that a lot of you have said you would understand. I know I should have told him earlier. Coming out of this kind of relationship has had its problems, mainly mental which I think are worse than the physical ones. Having been told I am a failure for so long by my ex was terrible and I think telling my current boyfriend this is like admiiting that is what I am. Its hard to explain but I know in my head there are many reasons (not excuses) for why I haven't been able to tell him.

[CAJ1]

I googled this, it seems to be an issue a lot of couples have. I thought it was just me!

He is away at the moment so I probably won't get round to doing it til mid-April, I'll let you all know how it goes!

[sqad617]

caj1 do you watch "Mistresses"

Problem there with a guy called Richaaaaard!!

[CAJ1]

No I don't - would it help me if I started watching it?

[sqad617]

No....suppose not caj.

[Suzyboo]

Whilst you have had some supportive answers, I suspect that some of the views are coloured 'because it's you'. If someone now posted a thread saying that his girlfriend of 2.5 years had suddenly told him about secret debts, I don't think that many responses would be in the favour of the deceptive girlfriend

[Bbbananas]

I can understand you not telling him straight away - why the hell should you? We don't have to confess all at the beginning of a relationship - but now that relationship is more serious & likely to be long-term, you should now 'fess up. But don't feel guilty - like postdog says, after a break-up of a relationship,most of us have some baggage we bring to the next one.

There's no telling how he'll react, but it's better out in the open then you deal with it. I have been in a very similar situation; still am if truth be told, but I don't want to go into my circumstances - this is your thread. I do know what it's like to be in BIG debt - debt that's not all of your own making. And I used to spend many a sleepless night worrying about it. Don't. Take a deep breath & just be honest. At this stage in the game, if you are serious about this man & vice versa, you can't keep it all to yourself any longer.

[Bbbananas]

I've just remembered CAJ that we have had discussions in the past with each other, & have been through similar situations - particularly with regard to the abusive relationship. So I understand where you're coming from perhaps more than others. When I left my abusive partner, the debts were such that I had to take drastic measures a few years back; as if I hadn't been through enough already on the personal front - then I had all the money stuff to handle. I got through it somehow. Don't be ashamed, don't feel guilty - we are none of us perfect. Just learn from it and move on. I hope your new partner listens & is not too hard on you. Past is past - look to the future, hopefully together. xx Trina.

[CAJ1]

Suzyboo - I've not lied about it, I've just not told him and I think the reasons for not doing so are not the sort of problems most people have. I've never had anyone there to share problems with, its hard to change your ways, I have come a long way since leaving my last relationship, I was not the one who used the money, car etc, just the one that has been left to pay it. I'm sure if something similar happened to you, you wouldn't be rushing to tell your new partner all about how someone threatened you with a knife to force you to hand over your bank card and pin number or how you were held up against a wall or beaten up to agree to do take on these financial commitments. I'm not having a go, just trying to make you see that I've not been deceitful on purpose.

Sallabananas, I think we have spoken before about related issues. You're right, past is past but sometimes the past is hard to overcome. This is the last hurdle and then hopefully once its paid it will be over for good x

[Suzyboo]

I don't know why you feel the need to make personal comments to me when I have simply expressed a point of view on a subject that you requested opinions on but I take great exception to the phrase 'I'm sure if something similar happened to you...' when you haven't a clue what I have been through or the scale of the problems that I have suffered. Just because I haven't said what you wanted to hear and am not one of the people on here who bares their soul so that we all know aspects of their history does not mean that my opinion is less valid or that my experiences are dissimilar or irrelevant. I still feel that you are past the point where you should have told him and that you have lied by omission

[CAJ1]

Suzyboo I was just replying to you. I'm sorry if you took offence to me saying what I did - you're right, I don't know what has happened in your life. I never said your answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to know everyones opinion good or bad and I don't think your opinion is any less valid than anyone elses. As I said I wasn't having a go, just trying to explain the situation so I apologise if it seemed like I was.

[Marijn]

Yes, I would totally understand. You've done really well. You're a survivor. I hope you get the support you need from him.