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When you leave a relationship. you loose its security, which is a valuable asset, no matter how damaging and destructive that relationship may have been.
You feel lonely, miserable, isolated, unloved and unloveable, and the future stretches out as a blank and miserable place with no sign of any positive changes.
How to avoid that isoliation? Simple - go back to the relationship you just left. A break will have given you a flawed perspective - that it wasn't really that bad, you had some good times, he may well change, you can talk to him and make it work.
Add to that the highly desireable 'better a bad partner than no partner' feeling, and it's soul-mate 'better the devil you know ...' and in no time you have pursuaded yourself that it's worth another go.
So you return with a heady feeling of optimism blitzing all those negative dounts and ...
you start to itch, and scratch, a claw open the wounds that hurt you enough to leave in the first place, and you realise it was a silly thing to think he would be different this time, so you split and ...
when you leave a relationship ...
So you are far from alone in rolling around this supremely vicious circle, but it needs to be broken if you are going to seriously move on.
You need a lot of self-belief and discipline to convice yourseld that you are worth more than this, and more than this is out there, and you will find it, and it will find you if you hang on.
Those two magic words will get you through this period, especially if you back them up with healthy doses of distraction - occupy yourself through your waking hours, and when you are waiting for sleep, be strong through the lonliness, and wretched feelings, and get past them without the easy, but fatal option of going back.
It takes time, and strength, but it will stop you hurting yourself over and over again. You are
You feel lonely, miserable, isolated, unloved and unloveable, and the future stretches out as a blank and miserable place with no sign of any positive changes.
How to avoid that isoliation? Simple - go back to the relationship you just left. A break will have given you a flawed perspective - that it wasn't really that bad, you had some good times, he may well change, you can talk to him and make it work.
Add to that the highly desireable 'better a bad partner than no partner' feeling, and it's soul-mate 'better the devil you know ...' and in no time you have pursuaded yourself that it's worth another go.
So you return with a heady feeling of optimism blitzing all those negative dounts and ...
you start to itch, and scratch, a claw open the wounds that hurt you enough to leave in the first place, and you realise it was a silly thing to think he would be different this time, so you split and ...
when you leave a relationship ...
So you are far from alone in rolling around this supremely vicious circle, but it needs to be broken if you are going to seriously move on.
You need a lot of self-belief and discipline to convice yourseld that you are worth more than this, and more than this is out there, and you will find it, and it will find you if you hang on.
Those two magic words will get you through this period, especially if you back them up with healthy doses of distraction - occupy yourself through your waking hours, and when you are waiting for sleep, be strong through the lonliness, and wretched feelings, and get past them without the easy, but fatal option of going back.
It takes time, and strength, but it will stop you hurting yourself over and over again. You are
Worse than what? I went back and fourth to my ex for 10 yrs!! I did see other people in between the times I was with him. I never thought I could ever be without him, even though he treat me like dirt we had a lovely bond when it was just us but now I have my bloke who cares for me so much I wonder why I wasted all them years on my ex
I have been a counsellor squad, I was a Samaritan for three years.
I am also a serious student of the humand condition, and my posts are based on personal experience, past relationships, personal and platonic.
Relationships are complicated. We men are conditioned to duck out of issues by simple cop-outs handed down from our fathers like "I don't understand women ..." as though they are some alien species. This thinking excuses a lot of men from addressing their part in bad relationships, if you are excused responsibility, you are excused the need to putting some effort into working trhings out.
It doesn't work like that.
I don't claim to understand women, but I do claim to try - and that puts me streets ahead of most of my gender.
A little empathy and listening goes a long way.
I am also a serious student of the humand condition, and my posts are based on personal experience, past relationships, personal and platonic.
Relationships are complicated. We men are conditioned to duck out of issues by simple cop-outs handed down from our fathers like "I don't understand women ..." as though they are some alien species. This thinking excuses a lot of men from addressing their part in bad relationships, if you are excused responsibility, you are excused the need to putting some effort into working trhings out.
It doesn't work like that.
I don't claim to understand women, but I do claim to try - and that puts me streets ahead of most of my gender.
A little empathy and listening goes a long way.
Yes I very much recognise that circle Andy.
How do you always know what to say? You are full of words of wisdom!
4get - thanks for sharing your experience. I feel such a fool though - did you? And whats worse is the sneaking around so that no one will find out that I am seeing him again. Dad lives in same village so have to hide where I park my car and people in the house I live (shared house) are wondering where I have been for the past few weeks ( I normally am always at home) so its really stressful seeing him too and I need to really be able to get through this 'patch' without other people finding out and sticking their noses in!
How do you always know what to say? You are full of words of wisdom!
4get - thanks for sharing your experience. I feel such a fool though - did you? And whats worse is the sneaking around so that no one will find out that I am seeing him again. Dad lives in same village so have to hide where I park my car and people in the house I live (shared house) are wondering where I have been for the past few weeks ( I normally am always at home) so its really stressful seeing him too and I need to really be able to get through this 'patch' without other people finding out and sticking their noses in!
I didnt feel a fool as such because I didnt really discuss alot of it with others they never knew that we broke up etc, I very rarely showed how upset I was to my mates. Looking back I feel a fool now though but am very happy. I wouldnt change the past because I learnt so much from it. Do you think it will work this time? You've already said you are causing yourself pain so doesnt seem you are happy
Thanks angel.
I am lucky to have an ability express myself well, combined with some experience from which I have learned lessons, which I am always willing to pass on.
I hope you will see that you need to get away from the destructive course, and move your life on and find some happinesss, to which you are entitlted, hard though that may be to see right now.
I am lucky to have an ability express myself well, combined with some experience from which I have learned lessons, which I am always willing to pass on.
I hope you will see that you need to get away from the destructive course, and move your life on and find some happinesss, to which you are entitlted, hard though that may be to see right now.
Never been one for accepting councelling, as in my opinion there have never been any properly constructed scientific trial.
I always feel that had the widows of the 58,000 servicemen of Bomber Command in WW2, had councelling, would they have coped any better.
You are an asset to this AB and although I will never be convinced of the benefits of councelling, you will always have my admiration.
I always feel that had the widows of the 58,000 servicemen of Bomber Command in WW2, had councelling, would they have coped any better.
You are an asset to this AB and although I will never be convinced of the benefits of councelling, you will always have my admiration.
I was similar to 4get, broke up, got back together...repeat process over several years. I have to say that after the final reconcilliation we did have the best of times but when the going got tough, he got going & it was the worst of times. We remained friends because there were children & after years of being divorced we'd started to communicate on a different level & I seriously considered getting back together with him. However, as I was thinking long & hard he slipped up & instantly reminded me of one of the reasons we'd failed before. It hurt & I wasn't prepared to risk it.
Andy, as always, has put it so well & I'm hoping they clone him one day....I'll even put up with his obsession for Alison King <grimaces>
:o)
Andy, as always, has put it so well & I'm hoping they clone him one day....I'll even put up with his obsession for Alison King <grimaces>
:o)
4get - Thats what I mean - I wish I could go through whatever stupid thing I am doing without other people finding out. At least then I could keep my what do you call it in tact. Pride?
I am not happy in the 'relationship' - he is jekyll and hyde, abusive but also nice so its hard.
Thing is perhaps I am meant to go through this to learn more and I have already learnt a lot from it and I know for sure this man will be the only man to ever treat me badly. No one else will!!!
I know I will get out of it again sometime (hopefully soon - although saying that I will still be very sad to leave him AGAIN!!) but in the meantime I feel sh1t
I am not happy in the 'relationship' - he is jekyll and hyde, abusive but also nice so its hard.
Thing is perhaps I am meant to go through this to learn more and I have already learnt a lot from it and I know for sure this man will be the only man to ever treat me badly. No one else will!!!
I know I will get out of it again sometime (hopefully soon - although saying that I will still be very sad to leave him AGAIN!!) but in the meantime I feel sh1t
such things can't be subjected to trial, sqad. How do you find a control? How are you going to find two 'equally unhappy' women? And then put them through different treatments? (Would one get 'pacebo counselling' that deliberately had no effect?) And how would you then measure the outcomes
Sometimes you just have to say: if counselling makes you feel better then it works.
Sometimes you just have to say: if counselling makes you feel better then it works.
Thank you squad for your kind words - much appreciated.
I think the concept of counselling is misunderstood, and gets a bad press because of its media image of sweater-wearing lentil-steamers wringing their hands and passing the tissues.
Professional counselling - as opposed to simply listening with empathy which is what the Samaritans offer - is a highly complex and difficult scenario in which the counsellor will home in on the main (and by dfeinition most painful) issue, and then explore it in depth, with much pain, but hopefully eventual ********* for the client.
The best analogy is for anyone who has had physiotherapy. Your therapist runs their hands over the afflicted part, and just as that familiar pain shoots through your body, and you mentally pray that they don't touch that area again, the therapist zeroes in on exactly that spot and startes causing pain you thought beyond imagination.
Apply that to an emotional issue, and that is what a professional counselling session feels like. It hurts, but it heals ... eventually.
I think the concept of counselling is misunderstood, and gets a bad press because of its media image of sweater-wearing lentil-steamers wringing their hands and passing the tissues.
Professional counselling - as opposed to simply listening with empathy which is what the Samaritans offer - is a highly complex and difficult scenario in which the counsellor will home in on the main (and by dfeinition most painful) issue, and then explore it in depth, with much pain, but hopefully eventual ********* for the client.
The best analogy is for anyone who has had physiotherapy. Your therapist runs their hands over the afflicted part, and just as that familiar pain shoots through your body, and you mentally pray that they don't touch that area again, the therapist zeroes in on exactly that spot and startes causing pain you thought beyond imagination.
Apply that to an emotional issue, and that is what a professional counselling session feels like. It hurts, but it heals ... eventually.
Hi Angel,
I just brought a book called Its My Life Now by Megan Dugan from Amazon, I flicked through it last night and I think it will be a great help for me moving forward. I'm not fully aware of your circumstances but maybe it will help you too. There is self-help exercises in it and ways of moving on
xx
I just brought a book called Its My Life Now by Megan Dugan from Amazon, I flicked through it last night and I think it will be a great help for me moving forward. I'm not fully aware of your circumstances but maybe it will help you too. There is self-help exercises in it and ways of moving on
xx
jno.....but that is not good enough.
One could easily get a unified group of people divide them into 2 eg. rape, divorce etc. and treat one group with councelling and the other placebo group with no councelling, in fact 3 groups.....one with councelling, one withy drugs and the other with no treatment.
This in my view has never been done in my recollection and the other way is to go back 50yrs that is before councelling and see if their developments and suicide rates are any different than todays.
Suicide, anxiety states and depression have INCREASED over the past 20yrs.
Of course psychological studies could be done.
One could easily get a unified group of people divide them into 2 eg. rape, divorce etc. and treat one group with councelling and the other placebo group with no councelling, in fact 3 groups.....one with councelling, one withy drugs and the other with no treatment.
This in my view has never been done in my recollection and the other way is to go back 50yrs that is before councelling and see if their developments and suicide rates are any different than todays.
Suicide, anxiety states and depression have INCREASED over the past 20yrs.
Of course psychological studies could be done.
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