counselling

[bubbles4920]

we have been going to couple counselling since jan about our relationship/trust issue and it has been the most unhappy months of my life. we have decided to stop going as we are just going round in circles now. has anyone experienced the same where on the whole counselling hasnt worked? or doesnt seem to have worked? i thought we would have been given homework to do but never was.

[Lil O'lady]

Experiences vary hugely, but there are some counsellors and therapists whose business is to make you need to keep coming back.
You need someone who can help you to look towards the future. There are websites that offer lists of counsellors and therapists, but that isn't to say the list is comprehensive or the people on it are any good. Hopefully others on this forum will be able to suggest routes you could follow - I would personally look for a highly-qualified NLP practitioner but this is not everyone's choice.

[Rosetta]

Are you going through Relate. Their counsellors have a very good reputation

[padanarm]

There's no magic wand, but at least you've both been going for 6 months so that's positive.

I'd suggest you discuss things together and decide what you'd like to happen. Do you want to stay together or would it be better if you split up? Only you two can answer that.

Remember counsellors can't decide things or make judgements - they can only help you discuss things. Perhaps you've just found one who doesn't work for you?

It doesn't seem unreasonable to expect some homework or exercises for you both to work through between sessions. Perhaps you need to make that clear to the organisation you've been using, or look around for another who may offer more appropriate therapy.

Whatever happens, keep trying.

[20SilkCut]

Bubbles - discuss what you have said here with your counsellor and see what they say.

Maybe there is just not a good fit between you both. Maybe you are not ready to deal with your relationship problems.

The counsellor does not have a 'magic key' to solve your problems - you have to help yourself and make the necessary changes. Ask for what you want/need in counselling...it is about you after all... If you are still not happy - then ask to be referred to another counsellor.

Good luck.

[bubbles4920]

it wasnt relate, we live abroad where counselling is private. we are not going back as i no longer see anything to discuss. we have hit an impasse and i do not want to go to anyone else to have to drag it all up again which is not only very painful but also time consuming. im still wanting to know if counselling didnt work for you and what you did about it/how it affected your relationship/future.

[sara3]

it really doesn't matter how it helped or didn't help other people. this is about your relationship and your issues.

you've evidently covered the main issues now, and you need to decide how to move forward. other people's experiences shouldn't influence how you and your partner behave now.

[Razzle09]

bubbles...the therapeutic process can take a bit of time.....and there are two of you.....I have to agree here with Silk here that this is best discussed with the counsellor. This will give her/him the opportunity to discuss what is meant by 'impasse'. Don't be afraid to ask why?

The very fact that neither of you have decided not 'stop going' rather than discuss this with the counsellor suggests that perhaps the problem lies with you and not the counsellor.

It is very easy over the period of time to become frustrated and daunted by the work but....'you cannot push the river'.....these things take time. Talk to the counsellor if even to finish.
Sometimes it is easier to walk away that to face the pain....you have a choice...I hope you make the one that is right for you and your partner does the same....It might be useful to consider going separately to counselling....Good luck

[bubbles4920]

i have used the term 'impasse', not the counsellor so i do know what it means. i have decided to stay but the decison is how to put things behind us and move forward but am willing to give it a go. my other half now doesnt see an end to our unhappiness and in fact today said he wanted to break up. im devastated. i see that the other woman has won. he brought me over here for a new start with his new job and now it looks like im going to have to leave.

[bunchie7]

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. I would advice you to try seeing a counsellor on your own. I did this after attending relate sessions with my husband and found we were going round in circles. I found it much easier to discuss what I really felt without him there. If as you say you do have to break up and leave it would definitely help you get over it. I would advice taking a couple of weeks break and then maybe go and see a completely different counsellor and talk about everything. Don't be afraid to cry either, they won't judge you for it. Good luck, it's really hard now but some how you will start to feel better.