cheating

[Kirsten1982]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We had problems last year, he was stressed about money etc and he was scared of losing me. I cheated on him quite a few times with this guy I fancied, and he suspected something may have happened but I told him he was being silly and he put it down to him being insecure. I have never told him and I want to but I really don't want to lose him, and I know he will finish me if he finds out. I have now become the one who is insecure and I am constantly asking him for reassurance that he will never hide or keep anything from me! I would be devastated if I ever found out he had betrayed me, but that is awful because I have betrayed him! But I really really don't want us to finish, do I keep this lesson to myself or come clean and lose him?

[Hammer]

If you are really sorry and are sure you will not do it again, there is no need to tell him. All that would achieve is making you feel better and him feel worse, which is of no benefit to anyone.

 

The guilt you are feeling is punishment enough, and you should put it down to experience and concentrate on being faithful in the future.

 

 

[amandaindie]

I agree, there is no point in telling him, if it is something that is in the past and isn't likely to happen again. Think of what you would do if he told you he had cheated on you last year. If your answer is that you would split up with him, his answer would probably be the same. I do believe there needs to be trust and honesty in a relationship, but some things can't be changed and should reman in the past.

[OBonio]

I just hope you feel guilty for the rest of your days.  The time in which he needed you most, you go and mess about with another guy?  You really can't think much of your boyfriend to have done that, can you?  People say it's all about trust in a relationship, which is very true.  You trust him and he obviously trusts you.  But do you trust yourself not to do it again the next time some good looking bloke bats his eye lids at you?

[Kirsten1982]

yes I do completely, I know I will never do it again. I don't blame you for thinking of me like that, I hate myself for doing it. It has made me very insecure and I am living in fear that he might do the same

[Octavius]

From your name I would guess you are relatively young (22ish).  You have the option of telling him and risk losing him, or keeping it quiet with the risk it coming out by accident a few years down the line.

 

We all make mistakes, I think that if you truly regret what you have done then keep it to yourself.  If he had cheated on you, would you want to know or is ignorance bliss?

  

[Kirsten1982]

I would want to know, even though it would devastate me and crush me to bits! I couldn't be with him if he did it.

[Octavius]

Double Standards????

 

Then perhaps you should come clean and bear the consequences.  You never know, he may forgive you.

 

 

[country_boy]

If you do tell him and he stays with you, it'll probably never be the same and the trust will be long gone.  Would he want to know, even if it would crush him?  I think if you can live with it, keep it to yourself. 

[Kirsten1982]

I seriously know he could not handle it. He goes on at me all the time saying how he loves me so much and he hopes I wouldn't cheat etc. He has siad he could not be with me as he will lose all trust in me.

[Miss Zippy]

I agree that you will not achieve any good, if you want the relationship to continue, by telling your boyfriend.  It is perfectly understandable that you want to unburden yourself and confess all and try and wipe the slate clean and start again.  Unfortunately it doesn�t work like that. Your boyfriend will never, ever truly trust you again and even if the relationship survives your confession, I do not think it would last long afterwards. Going by your username (born in 1982?), you are young and obviously very young when you started to cheat. Just try and put it down to experience and don�t give yourself such a hard time. Guilt can become very destructive if you let it, so do not dwell on the past and look to the future with your boyfriend.

[country_boy]

If you are gonna tell him, wait til after xmas or it will ruin his this year and for the next few it'll probably be a crap time for him.

[Octavius]

It sounds like a VERY insecure relationship to me.  If you are both constantly talking about the potential of cheating on each other, you will never develop a strong relationship.

 

Forget the brief lapse, try not to do it again (if you truly want a monogamous relationship) then concentrate on having a good time and enjoying each others company, rather than on what might be.

 

 

[Kirsten1982]

Thank you so much. I feel I am very insecure now, I always feel that my boyfriend is hiding things from me. Is this my guilty conscience?

[Octavius]

Probably, people are usually insecure when they are feeling guilty themselves or have a reason to suspect that something isn't right.

[country_boy]

Maybe that's why he is so insecure, perhaps he is no angel!  Sorry, just a thought!

[Kirsten1982]

I think he is insecure because he has been cheated on in the past and found out about it...which makes me feel even worse!!! But you could be right, I am scared he will be untrue to me!!

[El D]

quite a few times? nice

 

personally I would question whether there was anything to save. you have already broken the trust that holds a relationship together whether he finds out or not. seems to me you wanted to have your cake and eat it and are now crying because of the potential consequences - it depends what kind of person you are as to whether you face them or not. welcome to the world of the hypocrite. These things have a habit of coming out, if you respect your boyfriend, oh sorry, my mistake.  

[jayarnold]

I think you should tell him. I know I would want to know if my girlfriend was cheating on me. I have been cheated on before and I just think...well, if they are going to cheat then there is no point being with them, because if they had even an ounce of decency and respect they wouldn't do it. Tell him and take responsibility for your actions. Everyone has to learn and its sometimes the hard way.

[Bottom]

I dont think its because of your age, because I am 24 been in relationship for 2 1/2 years, and trust and love my parter more than myself, I dont even look at other blokes because my boyfriend completes me 100%. For you to cheat there is something not right in your relationship, I would tell him after xmas and find someone else who does complete you. Sorry I am a beliver that if you cheat then its not right some where and your not happy.

[jimmer]

its not necessarily something wrong in your relationship with your boyfriend that made you cheat and it is perhaps a little hasty for people who do not know you or your boyfriend to assume there is a one size fits all solution to your problem. Before wading in and confessing all try and work out in an honest fashion why you cheated and then attempt to deal with your conclusions.

If you are not feeling good about yourself and somebody comes along who is prepared to give attention it can be very flattering and hard to resist.

Sometimes we all get wrapped up in our own worries and neglect the needs of those closest to us and this is particularly hard if we are feeling insecure.

Anyway i could go on and on but you'll need to figure out what was going on inside of you that made you jepordise your relationship. If you think your relationship is worth salvaging and you work at it then there may not need to be a big confession or you may even reach a point when you can confess with confidence but you must address the problems.

Please remember though, relationships are built on hard work. no two people are ideally suited to each other at the start and life has a way of chucking up problems to test even the closest of friendships. you must decide whether its worth trying.

 

jim