We want different things.

[dbrown]

I am deperate for a baby. I am 21 and believe that I am ready. I have a good job with a very good income, BUT I would not do this until I am in a stable relationship obviously. I started seeing my boyfriend five months ago and he has told me that he doesn't want children and if he did then it would be much later in life. I love this man very much and our lives together are perfect we fell in love almost straight away. But how can I stay with him when we clearly feel different about this important part of our lives, I don't want to lose him but i will be wanting to have a baby in the next year or so.

HELP!!!! PLEASE

[OBonio]

Why the rush?  Enjoy your young days while you can!  My wife and I met 9 years ago and she was always against having children.  I always knew I'd have children, but was willing to wait as, as you pointed out, a stable relationship is always a good thing.  Eventually, after a few years, she came round and we're now expecting our first little one.  Be patient, is all I can say.  He didn't say no to having children, just later in life.  If you truly loved him, you'd wait until he was ready.

[SGKelloe32]

I am 21 and had my baby at 19. She wasn’t planned and although I love her with my whole heart, she has changed my life completely. I was with my fianc� for 5 months also and we moved in together before my daughter was born. A baby puts a lot of pressure both mentally and physically on a couple. They cause arguments when the pair of you are tired and you end up at each others throats over the slightest thing!

A baby makes or breaks a couple, and unfortunately for me, it broke us and we split 2 months ago. Life is hard when you are suddenly left by yourself with a house, child and a job!!

If your partner isn’t keen then really it isn’t a good idea. You have only been together 5 months and that is no-where near enough to be planning a family. It might seem like you are going to be together forever now, but you are still in that honeymoon period and novelties wear off when reality hits!! Trust me, wait, enjoy yourself and if you are still together a year or two down the line, consider it then. A baby is a wonderful blessing, but only when both parents are ready for the commitment!!

[Miss Zippy]

I�d listen to SGKelloe�s wise words and echo what�s been said already which is what�s the rush? I appreciate that everyone�s different and we all feel the biological clock at different times, but the fact is that your boyfriend does not want a family yet and you have to either respect his wishes or move on and find someone who is ready to start a family. To put pressure on your boyfriend would be desperately unfair.  I�ve been in the opposite position where my ex put pressure on me to get married and start a family and I broke it off largely because of that and I�m an oldie compared to you.  If someone isn�t ready to have a child, which is the biggest commitment you�ll ever make in life, there�s nothing you can do. You simply have to choose which is most important to you � the man you claim to love or having a family now (possibly with a man you don�t feel the same way about as you do your boyfriend)? Don�t you want to have fun with your boyfriend, share experiences and have holidays and weekends away? You will miss out on the most special part of your relationship, the early years where the bond between two people truly develops and crystallizes, if you skip this and go straight to nappies and domestic drudgery

[jimmer]

very good advice by both posts above. Why not wait and see how your relationship develops over the long term. Is your boyfriend also 21? if so then it is not surprising that he doesn't want kids at the moment.

 

Also, ask yourself why you want a child now. You have a good job and plenty of money. You have a good chance to travel, to meet people, to enjoy yourself. Basically you have the opportunity to gain all the relevent life experience that will prove so useful to you when you eventually do have a child. You have plenty of time.

 

jim

[jills]

I don't want to sound old and patronising (esp since I'm only 33) but you cannot under estimate the impact of a child on a relationship. There are so many challenges that come along with your wee bundle of joy - even fi they are the "perfect" child.  My partner and I were together from the age of 18, we grew up together and formed a very strong,  very close bond. 16 months ago, after 13 years together we had our fabulous baby boy, and I know that the strength and depth of our relationship helped us through all those challenges.  We had our time together after Uni, did the things we wanted to do, and were a bit reckless with money  We were selfish and lived for ourselves.  I will never regret not doing things in my younger, carefree days.   Life today couldn't be more different.  Our wee guy is our total focus, he's our first priority always and we couldn't be happier building our little family, but I would have found that so much harder when I was in my early twenties. 

[dirtyharriet]

You say you are desperate for a baby, and from what you say, it sounds as though you feel desperate full stop. What is it that you feel a baby will give you that you haven't already got?
If as you say your lives are perfect together, I'm wondering why you can't simply enjoy being together?
5 months is not really long enough to have created a secure enough relationship to bring a child into, especially if one partner isn't willing.

[Casey]

People are ready for different things at different times, just like marriage. Personally I would not want to start a family until I was married, or at least been with someone I love and know I can trust for quite a long time.

 

You have only been with your partner for 5 months which is a very short period of time to be considering having a child with him. And as he has already said he is not ready so you need to respect his feelings. My advice to you is enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, see how it goes..after a couple of years you might be sick of him and be glad you never had a baby!! But if after a couple of years or so things are still going well, and you still want a child with him, talk to him and see how he feels about it at the time! If he is still convinced he does not want children then you have to decide if you still want to be with him or not.

 

Telling him after 5 months that you want to have his baby, you probably scared the poor guy! :o)  Give it time, good luck x

[secretspirit]

I can relate to what you're saying because I know how it feels to be broody and desperately want a baby. I'm pregnant now at age 24 but went through broody phases for the last 3 years and I've been married all that time but the time wasn't right and my husband wasn't ready. The best thing I can say is that the broody phases DO pass, however painful they feel at the time (believe me I know how agonising it can be) but you have to ride it out and remember that soon enough the time will be right.


I went through some times when I was quite tempted to stop taking the pill secretly and get pregnant but I knew it wouldn't be fair on my other half whatever I was feeling and doing it now that we're both ready and prepared is the best thing I could have done. Don't worry about what your boyfriend says now about not wanting children until later, people's minds change over time (did you feel like you wanted a baby even just a year ago?) and you have plenty of time.

[dbrown]

Thank You all so much for your advice. I have taken it all on board, but i feel that maybe i portraid myself wrongly. I was not implying that i am desperate for a baby and i want one now. What I mean is that, that is the walk of life that i have chosen. When I am in the right position, that is what i want....now this may not be for another 10 years, but what if i stay with my boyfriend and in 10 years time he still doesnt want children. To me that is too a big sacrifice that i have to make. I can comprimise to wait until later in life, but what if, when we reach that time he decides he doesnt want children. I cannot give up having a family, not matter how much i love him. OBonio, my issue at the moment is what if he is never ready, not the fact that he is not ready now....i am not ready now.

[dbrown]

I would just like to add that it is not possible that i have scared him as i have not dicussed this with him, i just asked him one day what he wanted out of life.

[Casey]

dbrown, you said in your post that you are 21 and believe that you are ready, now you are saying that you are not ready... you contradicted yourself slightly. Maybe you need to think about what you really want.

[Englishbird]

I undestand what you say about not being prepared to give up the choice of a family - a friend of mine divorced for that reason.

As you say you haven't even discussed it with him properly.  Try and sit down and talk to him, just say something like "you worried me the other day - do you think you'll want children one day" my feeling is that he will say yes, but not now - it's a huge responsibility for kind men, not the types that will never have anything to do with their kid.

Make it clear that you're not about to pressure him into doing anything that he doesn't want to. Hopefully this will eliviate your worries over it and you can get on with enjoying being in a great relationship and being young. You have a good ten years to have kids, and they stay with you for life!!!

[Emma G 1650]

I was 20 when i got pregnant and had my daughter, she is now 6 and looking back, although i would'nt change anything, i believe i was too young, i feel too young now to have a child aged 6... the best thing you can offer a child is security, something i wish i'd have had before having a baby.  You may think you are ready but i don't believe any time is the "right" time to have children, nothing can prepare you for the impact they have on your life and the way your whole outlook on life changes.