how do you tell a friend?

[nextqueen]

i met up with a friend recently after quite a few months. she has put on so much weight and her husband aswell. i was shocked by it and can only think about health related problems down the line. they both like to go drinking pints down the pub, 5 is nothing to them. i just see it as calories and putting on the pounds. they also like to go away for weekends particularly to butlins adult weekends. my friend says generally that she is content. once ages ago when i was saying i dont eat certain things she said she just pleased herself but surely moderation is the key. how do i tell her that im worried about her health? she has got to be at least 18 stones and 5ft 3.

[looobylooo]

i can understand your concern nextqueen, but its her/their life ... shes old enough to know what shes doing, if shes happy and content then so be it ...
if she ever turns to you for a bit of help in losing a few pound in the future, then yeah by all means step in and give her support and encouragement ...
but as it is, i dont think its really your place to say anything to her...

[trionam]

I agree with loobyloo my sis is overweight and of course she knew it, me and mam would just try and make encouraging comments from time to time and evetnually she joined weight watchers she has lost some weight but it slow coming off she is getting married this year would love to see her loose a bit more but she loves living in the moment and finds it hard at say no to a few beers and a takeaway,either way your friend and her hubby have to come to this realisation on their own anything you say will be likely to fall on deaf ears I think.

[Prudie]

I agree that telling her would be a bad idea and probably not well received at all. She must realise her weight gain herself. Try to imagine how you would feel if a friend told you this. I know it's hard but agree be there to help if she asks for it.

[joko]

friend or not, its not your business...what do you think she would do? instantly go on a diet?
she is a grown up and its up to her

[cazzz1975]

her weight and lifestyle is her business. considering you have not seen her in months you seem to know exactly what she has been doing to gain the weight.

[David H]

How to lose a girlfriend: My ex spent some months in hospital, and returned a few stone heavier (added to the previous surplus amount). I was very diplomatic but when she had major problems getting out of my car I made a similar helpful suggestion and she didn't speak to me for most of the day and went on about it for weeks. Unfortunately unless you're actually related to someone then it's not worth potentially wrecking a friendship.

I doubt many overweight people need telling they are, it's just not their priority.

[boxtops]

I'm overweight, I know I am, but I am happy in myself - I'm not as big as your friend but I know I could do with going down a couple of dress sizes. I'm afraid if someone - however well-meaning, unless it was my doctor - told me I needed to lose weight, I would tell them it's my business, and to butt out. If's she happy then she will only lose weight when she has the incentive herself - other people's perceptions really don't help. I would, therefore, suggestion you don't do anything, she's an adult and she knows the risks of being a large lady.

[nextqueen]

im sorry but how can you be happy in yourself if you are overweight? i used to be overweight and convinced myself and others that i was happy but i wasnt really. i looked awful in big clothes, baggy clothes that made me look even bigger, i didnt feel sexy, i didnt feel healthy and able to do things with my children. there are added health risks too so please dont tell me you can be big and happy when you are shortening your life, you just cant see the long term effects right now. we were out drinking with my friend during and after the england game yesterday. she and her husband drank five pints no problem and it was only half way through the evening when we left them. its definitely booze and a no care, dont care attitude. i just dread to think how much bigger they will both get, i dread seeing her bedridden eventually having to be washed down. her 23 year old daughter is no better and must be the same weight. learnt behaviour from parents i guess. im not preaching, im just being realistic.

[anne50scot]

You said you were overweight yourself,and I bet friends tried to give you advice.You can help if they ask but anything else will probably not be well received.In fact it will probably cost you their friendship.

[cazzz1975]

unless she asks for help I would mind my own business if I were you and just enjoy your friendship without being judgemental.

[4getmenot]

whats butlins got to do with it? If its been quite a few months since you last saw her I dont think you are a close enough friend to say. My close friends I'd probaby say something too. But have never had to as most know when they are piling on the pounds.

[4getmenot]

and she probably isnt happy in herself, but its her life. You used to be overweight was it your choice to go on a diet or did someone tell you to?

[welshlibranr]

Sorry nextqueen, but it's her life!......She's a big girl now, and she has to decide what she will eat/drink. and what she will not!............No point in you worrying, or speaking to her about it, you won't be thanked for it!..................

[karenmac60]

Did you thank anyone for telling you how big you were when you were overweight? If you are convinced your friend cannot possibly be happy in herself if she's this size (which I don't think you are qualified to say - just because you weren't happy doesn't mean she feels the same way) then her friend pointing it out to her is only going to make her feel worse. She's a grown adult who will be well aware of her size, it's her choice and absolutely none of your business. If you really care about her then by all means be there for her if she asks for help, but anything beyond that is overstepping the mark by a long shot and will undoubtedly end the friendship.

[cazzz1975]

maybe you just want to rub in your own weight loss when you think she is feeling low?

[Eve]

I need to lose weight but for me I am enjoying going out, eating out etc... and that's worth more to me at the moment than denying myself.

I spent so many years the other way, starving myself and being miserable, it's not a priority for me.

I know I'd be healthier, fitter, feel more attractive etc... and I can't say it doesn't get me down but comments make it so much worse.

My ex and my mum have done a lot of damage with comments about my weight and such.

I try to concentrate on the comments from those who see more than my figure and love me for who I am, don't judge me or nag me, make me feel attractive just being me etc...

At the end of the day, life is short and precious and there to be enjoyed as much as possible. I'm sure I won't regret times I spent out enjoying my food or drinks with friends or even savouring a cheeky cake as a treat rather than slaving in a gym or similar when my time's nearly at an end.

I'm more than a number of a weighing scales.

[Mick-Talbot]

5 is nothing to them.

lol i take it they are southern softies?

[welshlibranr]

well said jenna!..............Never been over weight myself, more under weight mostly! But still get lots of commentslike ' you need to eat more, you're too skinny' I eat what I need to, am not hungry, certainly do not starve myself! It's just me!...........The way I am!.............