A very sombre subject

[Coldicote]

My dear Dad died in hospital several years ago, after a long illness. When I called at the hospital the next day a nurse said, "I thought you might have been here". That comment has haunted me ever since. My step-mother (his wife) was very highly strung with problems controlling herself and I felt it best to stay at home with her. She screamed when I broke the news, although it was expected. I can only hope that sedation relieved his suffering. What do others feel about being at the bedside of a dying person? Does being there help that person, or just those sitting aside watching?

[Bbbananas]

Oh dear coldicote, that must have been an awful decision for you to have made. That nurse was very insenstive making that comment, but you should not let it haunt you. You loved your dad, clearly, and I'm sure he knew that. Tell yourself he was so heavily sedated he may not have been aware whether you were there or not.

I have never, thankfully, yet had to sit by a dying person's bedside. And even those that want to be there at the time of passing, still have to take toilet breaks etc - I had a cousin last year who sat by her husband's bedside for weeks. Only for him to die when she had a very quick trip home to have a shower and nap. She was devastated and felt guilty - and she really shouldn't, but I suppose it's only natural to feel that way.

[LoftyLottie]

What a totally thoughtless and rude nurse. No wonder you still feel haunted by her comment. It is totally up to the individual. You had a very good reason for not being there. I was with both my parents when they died and quite honestly I don't think in the final few days either of them realised I was there They were full of morphine. So I was probably there for me and it helped me to be able to come to terms with their deaths. I spent a good couple of hours with both of them after they had died too and that wouldn't have helped them.

What matters is that you are with someone when they really need your support and realise you are there for them.

It is so sad that a careless remark has had this impact on you. You have nothing to reproach yourself for. x

[rowanwitch]

I am sure from what you put your dad would want his wife to have someone with her not him, I have cared for many dying patients and for some it is helpful to have loved ones present for some it isn't, I have definitely known some who wait for the family to leave the room before they slip away, As long as you had time to say your goodbyes when you saw him for the last time my feeling is you did the right thing, the nurse was wrong... I would complain to her ward manager about her insenitivity

[TheOtherHalf]

I think you did your best at the time. We always look back and think we should have done things differently but dont spend your life regretting what you did.
I havnt been at the bedside of a dying person but I dont think it would bother me, in fact I think its a lovely thing to do if you can because even though they are not even probably aware you are there, you can say your final goodbyes properly. I hope I will be able to do that with my mum as I missed doing it with dad

[LisaB]

I stayed with my mum while she died. It gave me the chance to say goodbye and if I'd had the time to give it much consideration beforehand, I'd probably have freaked about it. However, it was a relief when it was over, and - bizarre as it sounds - I wouldn't now have it any other way. It definitely helped me. Whether it helped my mum or not, I may never find out (depending on belief!). The nurses' comment may have been 'I thought you might have been here' meaning that she didn't realise you hadn't been because you'd been a regular visitor! I can understand why it's haunted you. I'd be gutted too. However, you did the best that you could, and helped the person still living. That's not to be sniffed at. Please don't beat yourself up about it!

[andy-hughes]

The short answer is 'both' ... or 'neither'.

The fact is, every situation is individual, and no two are the same - the only common factors that unite them are the loss of a loved one, and the guilt and worry left for those who grieve.

I think in the circumstances, you made the best of an impossible situation, given that you could not be with both people. I think your dad would feel you were in the best place, and i am sorry you did not have chance to say goodbye to him, for your sake, not his, as it sounds like he would not have known if you were there or not.

Please don't hurt yourself any more over this. You had to make a decision, and live with it, and you did the best for someone else, not yourself, and no-one could ask for more than that.

It's not good for you to wonder 'what if' when you can do nothing about it now. You did what was right at the time, and in this imperfect world, that is a circumstance that was thrust upon you, and you dealt with it with love and selflessness. That is what you should use to comfort yourself.

As for the throwaway comment of a thoughtless and unfeeling nurse - that does not bear remembering - so forget it.

[sandyRoe]

The one person That I saw die in their bed was sedated. Drifting unaware from a pain wracked life to something more peaceful. Her breathing got gradually slower and then it finally stopped.
If the dying person is unaware of whats going on then being there is for the relatives. You really shouldn't feel guilty because you weren't there. The remark of the nurse was crass and insensitive.

[Sqad]

////I thought you might have been here". ///

Can be taken two ways:
1) I thought that you should have been here.
2) I thought that you had been here, left and returned.

[mrs.chappie]

A similar thing, but the reverse, happened to me. The nurse told me to go home and get some rest, said everything would still be the same when I came back to my dying mum.

So I went home, and she died alone. I still feel guilty about it (22 years on) so I know where you are coming from. Guilt is such a strong emotion. You definitely shouldn't feel guilty though, as you had a very good reason not to be there.

[McMouse]

Don't beat yourself up. At the time you did what was best for the situation.........giving support to your step-mother. I was called to my father's bedside but, by the time I got there, he had died. I didn't feel bad because he was heavily sedated with pain killing drugs and would not have been aware of me. I was with my mother when she died and she was not aware of me. Did it help me being there? I don't know, but I did realaise that the hospital staff did all they could.

[jno]

you made your choice and nobody else has any right to criticise you for it. Your choice was to help the living rather than the dying, which sounds a pretty decent decision to me.

[Old_Geezer]

Unfortunately nurses are human, and can be as thoughtless as anyone else.

As others have said, not point in beating yourself up about it, if he was sedated he probably would not have known/benefited from your presence or absence anyway. And if, as I suspect, we continue to exist in some spiritual form, I'm sure he holds nothing but love & gratitude for what you did anyway.

[Sqad]

I do not necessarily think that the nurse's comment was thoughtless. See my previous post.

[Bbbananas]

Not necessarily sqad, no - but most likely?

[andy-hughes]

I can't see two meanings Sqad - but i admire your desire to see the good side in the nurse in question.

[Mamyalynne]

Coldicote, I cannot add to the other comments as they sum up my sentiments too. We all have our guilty feelings about situations like this and I won't list mine today.

As for the comment that haunts you (whatever way it was meant) write it on a piece of paper and place in a box (actual or not) and burn or bury it and in your heart replace it with a happy memory of Dad.

Mamya ♥

[Coldicote]

Thank you all for your kind and compassionate replies. When I last saw my Dad he said he wanted to die as his illness had gone on for so long. I gave him a parting kiss on his forehead and I hope he didn't know much more after that. I'll try and bring this to a close now.

[Suzannew]

Coldicote, I was with my Dad at his bedside with my brothers and my Mum up until about two hours before he died when I took my Mum home because she had been up all night and I was worried about her health. Sadly he wasn't sedated, had lung cancer and was fighting for every breath (he also had double pnemonia). He passed away after I had left the hospital. My brothers had just taken a 5 minute break to get a coffee and weren't there either. It was like he chose his moment. I don't regret for one minute not being at his bedside as I really don't think he would wanted me to have witnessed his gasping for breath and probably having a heart attack at the end. When i kissed him goodbye, I knew it would be the last time, but I didn't give him that impression. You did the right thing, and your dead Dad will have thought so too. xx

[Suzannew]

I do apologise, that should have seen dear Dad of course. x

[welshlibranr]

My sisters and I were at my mum's bedside along with my brother in law, he loved her dearly too, he had to leave for an hour to take my niece to school, she had hung on for 15 hours after the hospital told us that it would be very soon, they said just an hour or so left!..............As soon as he left, and just her daughters remained, she just stopped breathing, it was as though she knew who was there, and was waiting for it to be just us, she brought us up, my father died when we were children, it had always been the four of us, and that's the way it ended...........I believe that although she was sedated, she knew who was in the room, and went when it was just us..............