Spam & Scams2 mins ago
Older woman, younger man...does it work in the long run?
Now I know I'll get some sarky comments but this is actually on behalf of a friend of mine who uses the site quite a lot and doesn't want everybody to know who it is with this problem. Personally I think she's daft but she wants some other opinions!
She's been seeing someone on and off for a while, who is a few years younger than she is (he's a young-looking 34, she's about to turn 42 and looks it - her opinion not mine!). Recently it has got more serious and they've now decided they're in lurve..aah, how sweet. The thing is she is stressing out about how he will feel in a few more years when she's older and wrinklier and he's still in his prime. He insists she's the one for him and he doesn't mind a few wrinkly bits but this is really getting to her. She already thinks he's way above her in the looks department (he is pretty gorgeous I have to admit!!), apparently there's supposed to be some kind of attractiveness factor where people usually find someone on their own level?!? Anyway, although there are quite a few posts on here about age not mattering, is there anyone out there who can speak from experience and convince her that he won't run off with some young totty as soon as she turns 45?? Please help cos she's driving me daft about this!!
Btw sorry if there's any strange characters in this, I did it in Notepad first and pasted it in here!
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No best answer has yet been selected by Laura4363. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.Has she always had low self esteem?
Thanks for all your thoughts so far, I know she probably sounds needy/insecure/etc but she isn't really. And she says she does NOT have low self esteem, she's just realistic about her looks so there! In fact she's a bit peeved now cos she says she didn't come across very well...well I did tell her to write it herself, that'll teach her eh! The relationship isn't based on looks, they were internet pen pals to start with and didnt even see each other for ages...in my opinion they just seem ideal for each other in every way really, it just so happens that he's drop dead gorgeous!
The thing is, she says (and I kind of agree with her) that yes a relationship should be based on more than looks but attractiveness must come into it as well, especially for men since we're always being told how much they rely on visual stimulation!!! So no matter how much he loves her, surely there will come a point when he thinks "god she's old and saggy, I don't fancy her any more!"
The one good thing is that she's not actually hassling him about it, just me, so at least he's not getting fed up with her going on about it. He doesn't really know how much it bothers her, not sure if that's a good thing or not really!
I must admit I find it hard to understand if she ISN'T suffering from low self esteem, why would she be worried? It's also worrying that she feels she can't confide in him. I tell my partner everything, even things I'm sure he would rather not know .
It really does sound to me that she doesn't feel secure in the relationship. How can she be if she's worried he's going to go off her? Either that or she thinks he is rather shallow?
Cheers Harriet. Have to say, I agree with you. Even if she's being "realistic about her looks" why would a nice guy go off with someone else just cos his partenr has aged?? These looks are the same looks he was initially attarcted to. Either she IS insecure (which may drive a very large wedge between couples, regardless of any age difference) or she has suspicions he's a total git. Have previous men in her life been utter **-***? Should have said in last post.....8 years is a pretty small gap to be concerned about. She'll be 50, he'll be 42 to my mind, that's an irrelevant difference in age. Maybe at 28 and 20, 8 years matters, but once you're a proper grown up with some life experience, 8 years is not a lot.
Absolutely no problem with it. Yes, I can understand your friends' concerns wrt to getting older and potentially wrinkly. I know how vain you ladies can be !!
Why worry ? If they are both genuinely happy together then stuff what anyone or society thinks.
Sadly we still live in a world where people have negative ideas about such things. Your friend must put these strereotypical, rather dated concepts out of her mind and enjoy life with her partner. She is in the prime of her life and she must enjoy it as such.
I am 31 my wife is 55 this year. We have been together 8 years, married just over 1 year. Very happy together.
My wife had more problems than me about the age gap - she didn't want to tie me down to "an ickle old woman".
We have great fun together and don't really think about the age gap. Yes she will in all likelihood die before me, but then I may get mowed down my a bus going to work. You can't live your life on 'what ifs'.
There is a barrier to overcome, just as there are for any thing that isn't perceived as 'normal' - eg mixed marriages (which we're also guilty of), gay/lesbian relationships etc.
Tell your friends to enjoy themselves and have fun!
Thanks to everybody for your input...this is an e-mail i got from Kay this morning (with her permission!)...
guess wot, u were right and so were the answerbank people!! Tonite we were talking about film stars, i asked him who his fave was, he said bridget jones, i said oh u mean renee wotserface, he said yes but not when she's all skinny and tarted up, when she's being bridget jones, she's a proper woman with cuddly bits, she wakes up with messy hair, she's not a perfect barbie doll. THEN he says u know the same as u are, a real person, he said he cant be doing with high maintenance types who take 3 hours to get ready to go to asdas. So i said, well dont u mind the fact that i'm going to get all old and saggy long b4 u do and he said well i'd rather have u old and saggy than not have u at all which is the alternative!!! (Which i thought was really really nice!!!) So then i said well dont u mind the fact that we look like the odd couple adn he said in what way so i said well like Lemar going out with Kathy Burke adn he fell about laffing and he said u know i've always liked kathy burke, she looks like my kind of bird. So anyway. I won't tell u all the rest of it lol. The gist of it is that he doesnt care about me getting old and he thinks i'm gorgeous even like last week when i was full of flu and looked crap :o) God he's so LOVELY!!!!!
Bless her :o)