What defines someone who is not coping with grief?

[BettyNoir]

I lost my mum 7 1/2 years ago. Obviously when she died I was heartbroken, but I'm convinced I have successfully moved past my grief and when I think of her now it's with a smile not tears. Last week I was asked to re-live the day my mum died in detail, and talking about it brought tears to my eyes because it's not a pleasant memory to recall my mum suffering like that. Because I cried the official verdict it I'm not over my loss. Apparently 7 1/2 years is plenty of time to come to terms with the death of a loved one and you shouldn't be crying about it. I would have thought not getting upset at all when re-living something traumatic would throw up more of a red flag? I've been told I need bereavement counselling, and yet I honestly feel like I wouldn't benefit from it. I can't really see what I would get out of it to be honest.

I wondered what everyone else thinks? Is it so unusual to get upset over a painful memory after 7 years? Has anyone been bereaved for longer than that and still finds they get upset?

Thanks

B

[Jemisa]

My old Mum has been dead over 20 years and like you I smile when I think of her. One day last week on opening a cupboard a large pottery mixing bowl fell out & smashed in pieces, It was her mixing bowl, I could see her using it making cakes, I as a little girl had a stir when she was making the xmas puds, My daughter weighing only 4 & 1/2 pounds had her first bath in there, my G/daughters washed their dolly's in there & I was about to make bread in it... but all I could do was burst into tears & in a crumpled heap & remember her..

gem

[andy-hughes]

It's human nature to get wrapped up in something you feel passionate about - but it can mean that you develop a distorted view of what motivates you.

Social workers, by definition, have to have a deeply felt intution for humanity - but they can get so deeply into it that they see things that are simply not there.

Your reaction to talking about your mum is - as has been advised by many posters - perfectly normal, but this lady is determined to see into it a level of grief-related instability that is simply not real.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

If this lady stands between you and fostering, and she wants you to apply for counselling - show willing and co-operate. You will be linked with any foster children far more deeply and for far longer than you will to this slightly unhinged individual, whom you must view as a means to an end.

Good luck - you sound perfectly suitable as a fostering family - play these ludicrous games if it gets you where you need to be.

[chrissa1]

I agree with all the posters before me BettyNoir. My Dad died in 1998 and my Mum in 2002. I am 60 and still remember with "smiley watery eyes". Always will.

[anneasquith]

excuse me betty. hi chrissa, how things today ?

[tillyh345]

I have to also agree that 7 and half years is no time at all. My mum died in a car accident when I was 18, and every birthday, anniversary, christmas, in fact any day I sit thinking of her I am reduced to tears and this was 32 years ago.....

[chrissa1]

Oh not very good anne. I'm going to speak to the doctors tomorrow thought. Thank you for asking.

[anneasquith]

illwatch out for a post from you tomorrow, chrissa.

[sherrardk]

It must seem cry unfair and unkind to dwell on the death of your mother, but if these are the obstacles that they are putting in your way to fostering, then you either decide you cannot face the counselling or you hold your head up, stick your shoulders back and play them at their own game. As others have said, this person may not have suffered a loss, have a different outlook on life to most people or be a complete jobs worth. I have a feeling that you will do the counselling (if your GP recommends you) and will continue the process to become foster parents. Good luck, it is such a shame that obstacles like this are put in place to stop kind people like yourself from fostering vulnerable children. X

[Purple_Popple]

Sara3 - your reply to this thread intrigued me! I lost my father when i was just 9 ....however, I was once told how on earth can I experience grief when I lost someone so young - when to this person i hardly knew my father...which is total nonsense...I have very fond memories of him, and to this day 35 years on, I can still shed a tear if i tell someone about the time i spent with him.

[anneasquith]

in my area foster parents are very precious to the social work department, and they often struggle to find placements due to lack of foster parents,

[20SilkCut]

As Sherrard has said above it seems unfair that you are being asked to go to counselling re. painful memories of your mum's death. I dont see it as an obstacle - rather a chance to talk through your feelings around her death and your sense of loss. Believe me - this will help both you and the foster child you get when the counselling period is over. I can only imagine it will be hard for you (and the child) at first (especially if the child has had a bereavement in early life) - the counselling will help you understand some of the feelings the child is dealing with - and also will help you come to terms dealing with the loss you no doubt will feel when the child finally leaves you - after however long. Subsequent losses bring up old buried feelings...the counselling will help you deep down prepare for all the issues that fostering may 'open up' within you.

I guess its something that you will have to do...get the box ticked....look on it as a learning experience and look forward to then getting a foster child.

As someone above has suggested, contact CRUSE...their counselling is free - and they are excellent. Good luck with everything.

[cupid04]

It is natural to miss your mother, you would have to be made of stone if you didn't miss
her. I lost my mum at the tender age of 12. I am now 51 and I still miss her. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. Cupid 04.

[LoftyLottie]

Just to add to other comments. My Mum died two years ago and I watched her die over three weeks in the most appalling circumstances in a hospital ward for the elderly. I wil never stop grieving about the fact that she died in such a way and whenever I think about it it brings tears to my eyes. If I talk about it to anyone it will make me cry and always will. I don't need counselling to 'get over it' what I feel is natural. I believe that your tears were perfectly natural.

My Dad has been dead for 32 years and if I talk to anybody about him in depth I get quite emotional!

Good luck withyour fostering.

[cupid04]

I agree with Lofty Lottie tears are perfectly natural and also part of the healing process.

[TonyV]

Will just agree with everything that has been said before by other abers - just shed a tear myself thinking of when me and my brother where holding my dad's hands when he took his last breath, and I closed his eyes (16 yrs ago) - your reaction of crying is perfectly normal

But as others have said you need now to put a tick in this box for foster agency - getting refered by GP will take a long time and probably put you past the 6 months that they are putting your application on hold for. I have heard good reports about CRUSE as was mentioned earlier - best of luck

[Sqad]

Just a general point here........."is long term grieving a female thing?"

Do females, on the whole, grieve more often and for longer than males?

Apart from 2 ABers all the rest have been female posters.

My grandparents brought me up and when they died, I didn´t grieve at all, when my biological mother died some 3 years ago, I didn´t grieve at all (mrs sqad did)

When my best friend died at the age of 32....I didn´t grieve at all

So, I ask again........is long term grieving basically a female phenomenon?

[sammmo]

Yes I think it is sqad.. last year both of my wifes perents died first her father then 6 weeks after her mother and six months later she still is grieving god bless her. I'm quite an emotional chap and find it hard to hold back tears when things like this happen but a couple of days later i've pulled myself together... My wife is'nt a "soft" person but this has really upset her..so much so she's been put on anti depressants and has only just gone back to work..I think its down to the individual how they cope and how long they weep ..She was offered councilling but declined, maybe she should have taken it, but it would have still taken her time to get over it..

[Sqad]

sammo.....quite interesting, that has been my experience too...? hormonal.

I am rather biased in that I have little faith in the value of councilling, but that is just a personal appraisal, not supported by modern thinking.

[albaqwerty]

My dad died October 1993. I have plenty of happy memories which make me smile, grin and sometimes make me sob. There is no time limit on grief, it's just different stages/phases and depends on how the individual copes with it. It's what makes us human.

Sqad, you could be onto something there, hormonal. Now I know not all women are "maternal" but maybe those who are tend to be "weepy" at times.