Problems with partner when going through menopause

[tillyh345]

Has anyone noticed problems with their relationship whilst going through the menopause. I seem to have fell out of love with my hubby of 30 years. He seems so bloody miserable and also very doom and gloom always moaning and I dont want to spend the rest of my life listening to it. Is this a bit hasty? Im interested to hear if anyone else has had the same issues and what happened, do you get through this stage? TIA

[beso]

Men can get like that when they feel their wife has lost interest in them.

[kawakiri]

Work through it, it's not that difficult.

[Kassee]

My ex went through the male menopause. He got very flirty (but had never been like that when he was younger), started wanting to pack in his job and go travelling, talked about buying a motorbike and travelling around europe with a back pack (even tho we had four children).

Before he had been 100 per cent a family man and suddenly he wasn't. He was looking for his lost youth - dont ask me what happened - it was years ago.

[daffy654]

I haven't fallen out of love with my other half, I have absolutely no sex drive though which is beginning to pee him off quite a bit. :(

[tillyh345]

thank you for your replies...
Yes I know I should work through it and I intend to but I feel that I have spent 30 years giving my family everything never putting a step wrong they have always been my priority but now the children have moved on and I am left with a miserable husband that all he ever talks about is not having long left and no plans for the future. I feel as though I have time for me or us to do everything we want to do but I do most things alone . As for the sex, I have a real appetite for it now, but did go through the stage of going off it for a while, but would say Im rampant now, so that side of it is great, but I dont feel that hes always fully into it.

[ruthann58]

tilly my husband is the same i tell him all he is waiting to do is die , i still want to be doing things , my son has bought a house and is doing it up ,as we have in the past, i would love to do this again but all i get out of him is dont be so stupid we are to old , i am 53 and not to old ! ,

[tamborine]

Have a holiday without him, he's taking you for granted.

[tillyh345]

ruthann, yes I think there are a lot of men like ours, but I feel I want to do something about it I dont want to accept it and then in 10 years just be stuck with this miserable old man, and cant do anything about it! He puts me down n front of my family and friends. I go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and he has very sarcy comments when i come in, if i fall asleep after he says "this is the woman thats supposed to be fit"! Never compliments me anymore, after 30 years suddenly says I have evil eyes!!!! B*****d! I feel he is pushing me away, perhaps he is?

[Slapshot]

Tilly?? Are you my wife........

I'll play devils advocate for the chaps shall I?

I find that women can become very selfish through Menopause, life is about them and nothing else matters. I'm going through this just now with the memsahib. Zero libido, the mood swings, wants everything to herself and effectivley more than half the time I don't exist. It's not fun, it's not nice there are times I could wring her neck but I still love her to bits even if my alleged failing seem to be to the fore more often than not! I work over 60 hours a week on shifts we can go days without a real conversation and the only "bedtime" i ever see of her is the lump in the duvet when I get in or go out to work.

If I could suggest anything, look at the situation from his perspective, you've made changes to your lifestyle that maybe he hasn't had the chance to make because he's worked every day of his life to pay for all the things families need and there could be a touch of envy that you've been able to do that. My wife gave up a teaching career to become a hairdresser at the age of 41 but she could only do it because I could provide financially, I couldn't whether I wanted to or not. It can get depressing in a situation like that.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership be a bit sad if you're not willing to try and sort it out. You're going through a lot of changes and they have an impact on those around you whether you like it or not.

Now my tin hat is firmly placed on my head and I'm standing by for the girly backlash.....

[Kassee]

Well said Slapshot ,

[Kassee]

After 18 years on my own - marriage is nearly always worth saving

[sallybb]

Have been there, but now at long last after five years. there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. You have to work at it, and having time to yourself is important but also finding time to do things together is equally important. Both of you should write a wish list and put on the side of the fridge or somewhere else in your face, as a constant reminder. Make a point of doing something on that list every few days. Doesn't have to be expensive.
The problem is not only are your hormones affecting you and your temperment and feelings. Your husband will also pick up on these feelings and perhaps feel wounded enough to make him step back from you and be depressive. The second problem is that when the family leave home that causes a big gap. Look back to pre children, what attracted you to your husband, what did you do together, see if you can retrieve some of those early magical moments. You never know it may help.

[emmie]

slapshot, firstly the menopause can be a living hell for a woman, and as women are usually the homemaker, child bearer, carer, then she has spent all that time doing those jobs. Add that many women have held down jobs so that's another string to the bow, and very demanding trying to juggle all that. So whilst some men bleat on about their lot, suggest that take over the whole kit and caboodle for a time and see if they can manage.
Many men do get depressed/menopausal if you like, as they get into their 50/60's, feeling life is passing them by, or want to settle into early retirement. Life isn't so rosy, the wife may well be suffering with all those mood swings, and not be able to do anything about it. Then whilst she needs help and support, her husband/ partner is having a crises of his own, mid life ones where the sad fact is many marriages break down, due in part to lack of communication. Anyone facing that situation should try Relate, marriage guidance, because it's not an easy situation to handle on your own.

[tillyh345]

Thank you slapshot , I hear what you are saying, but for one our sex life is the best bit about our relationship, that hasnt suffered at all...it is purely that, I, i know selfish! but want the gentleness back, I want him to put his arm round me without me asking him to, I want him just to come up behind me and cuddle me without any prompting..I know this makes me sound spoilt, because he is great in every other way, he does most of the cooking a lot of the cleaning...I suppose I want it all! but as I said I have given my all to the family without question and never even looked outside of our relationship before, it may be that as we have been together since I was 17, I feel I have missed out on something? I want to tell the other chap that I want to finish our friendship which is all it is at the momentbut I know he wants more, but as I said I like the attention, its so difficult.

[Slapshot]

Em and Tilly, dont get me wrong, I'm not saying it's all about us blokes and stop being selfish. I don't question what the ladies go through, i can see it regularly. My wife has chosen not to go down the HRT route because it turned her mother into a raging nutjob, I don't know whether that would help her or not.

As I work shifts we don't see a lot of each other so it maybe assuages the bad bits and makes us work better at the good bits, If I was at home as often as she was maybe things would be different. Our life has always been shared, we've each taken a fair crack at the home maker stuff looking after kids and the like. One thing that puts the menopause into perspective is we've come through a hell of a lot worse and we're still good friends as well as being married for 20 odd years ( 23 i think.....????).

[joannie10]

don't know whether its anything to do with the menopause but you are quite clear on here what you would like to change about the relationship and what is upsetting you and all seems pretty reasonable. You want to get through it that can you sit down and discuss this ? Can you keep note of the put downs etc and tell him why it upsets you etc? Good luck x

[glammedup]

Yes, I feel like that too, since having peri menopause symptoms for the last five years. I am now starting to go through the menopause at 48.I can't sleep, so I feel so worn out all the time. My husband gets on my nerves and I don't even like him anymore.I'm only happy when he is at work!Everything about him makes me annoyed.I find him grumpy too,he moans if its sunny and hot, he moans if its raining/cold in fact he moans non stop.I too feel like walking out sometimes, but is the grass really greener on the other side? Probably not.We have been together 22 years,it's a lot to throw away so I'm going to stay and try hard to work at it and maybe things will settle down along with the hormones.Maybe start to meditate!lol

[tillyh345]

Thank you all for your input it has been really thought provoking and have had a lovely weekend so cud be improving...watch this space lol xx