OH can't deal with my dark side

[Souldarkness]

I am struggling with my wonderful partner right now... he is kind. loving. thoughtful but has no grasp of how my clinical depression is taking over my life. He is becoming angry as he feels he should be able to make me feel better and can't grasp that this is something that happens in cycles and I just can't be my positive happy self all the time (I was in a good phase when we met) I have tried over and over again but it is just not going in, I have written him notes and letters, given him videos to watch but he just thinks I need to adopt a more positive attitude and everything will be wonderful.
Any ideas of ways I can get through to him?

[China Doll]

He is in a no-win situation. You can be as supportive as you like but ultimately, it's the person with the depression that has the most work to do and I think people can only take so much. I think Souldarkness sounds like she's doing quite a lot to control her condition and that's very good so from that prospective, if he wishes to stay with her then he must learn more about it. They both have a part to play to make the relationship work, same as any relationship.

[sara3]

I have also been the other person in such a relationship (marriage). it dragged me down and the kids suffered for it.

I understood it, but that doesn't mean I wanted to deal with it for the rest of my days, and we separated.

I have sympathy, but your choice of name and avatar really suggests you need more help. you need to view this as your issue and not his. if he can carry on supporting you, good for him but it takes a strong person.. stronger than I was anyway.

[B00]

Yes it is harsh noxxy, and I apologise if I sound utterly callous, but unfortunately (for me possibly) It's the way I am. I'm firmly in the camp of "oh pull yourself together ya bloody mard arse- worse off than you".

I fully admit it's not something I know anything about, and perhaps if I did, i'd be more sympathetic, and this may be the case of the OP's boyfriend. He also might be not willing to deal with her "dark side", he is afte rall just a boyfriend and it all could just be a little too heavy for his liking. If this is the case it might be better if they split up. I fail to see why trying to enlighten him, if he's not willing to learn, is going to help the situation, and in his shoes, i wouldn't want to learn either.

Again, apologies if i've offended anyone.

[andy-hughes]

BOO - did you read my posts?

If 'pulling oneself together' was in issue, then any Depression sufferer would do so, in a heartbeat.

Would you tell a cancer patient to 'Hurry up and stop rotting!'?

Doubt it.

[B00]

I'd answer Andy, but can't be bothered...

As ive said, if i knew more about perhaps id be more sympathetic...

Oh what's the point? Nevermind.

[China Doll]

I don't find Boobies post particularly harsh, I wouldn't have wanted to deal with me either at my worse moments :c)

[Souldarkness]

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate how difficult it is for him and I just need him to understand that it is not just about being a bit down its a hundred miles from that. At least if he really understands he can make an informed decision whether to stay or go and if it is the latter I have to accept that. I also take your point Chinadoll about trying to put on a smile sometimes and making myself join in with stuff, it's really difficult and exhausting but I try especially when he has thought of something as a special treat. I want us to have a future, and a lot of the time I am pretty much ok but I fear I will make his life so awful if we carry on and I often think he'd be better if he'd never met me.

[NOX]

Alright, some of you wouldn't want to help, understand or even empathise with thos suffering from a mental illness- fair enough, but what then is the point of your relationships, if you would so easily bail out on one you supposedly love? All seems utterly pointless to me and I really don't understand that, because I'd go to hell and back again for someone I was in love with and I'd hope they'd do the same for me, otherwise isn't it all just meaningless and a bit, well, naff?

[sara3]

NOX, thank you for describing my marriage hell as meaningless and naff.

perhaps you have to walk in someone's shoes to really judge such a situation.

and you can "hope" someone would do the same for you, but reality isn't always so simple.

[China Doll]

I don't really think so Nox, I think it's a case of different approaches to things. It's sort of less selfish to say 'this is where I draw the line' type thing. I think if you're in a relationship and something bad happens then you muddle through and do your best but I also think that if you 'know' something about a person prior to starting or early on in a relationship that you also 'know' you don't want to be part of in your own life then I think it's better to do somthing about it then rather than get to a point in which you really resent the other person. I guess I could liken it to having children, if you're someone who wants children above all else and you met someone who maybe a month or so down the line tells you they're infertile or something, then it's a big decision to make in terms of its impact on your own life, hopes, dreams etc... Does that make any sense at all?

I don't think either side is right or wrong and I can see both sides of it having been the one depressed and also the one who wouldn't want to begin a relationship with someone who was perhaps bi-polar, (not least becasue of the impact that could have on my own health).

[B00]

Well yes noxxy, but as far as I know, the OP hasn't stated otherwise, this could simply be a teenage girlfriend/boyfriend thing couldn't it?

If I think back to the time I was at the boyfriend stage (eons ago!) i know i'd personally leggit, not enough of an emotional tie for me to deal with their personality if I didn't understand it.

[joko]

i understand why some wouldnt want to bother... if youve only just met & dont love them its a tough life you could be getting so why put yourself through it?

however it is a physical illness - you 'see' it by watching their hollow eyes, crying, sighing, etc...it does show

would you dimiss someone with amnesia? or alzheimers? you cant 'see' those, but theyre an imbalance of the mind that manifests in odd ways.

souldarkness - its interesting you refer to it as a dark side...

are you a goth or emo? is he? if so, i wonder if he thinks youre just playing to the 'cliche' & persona and revellinging all things black...& doesnt really believe you are truly clinically depressed?

i have known a number of goths in my time and most of them enjoyed the blackness & the wallowing - it was a 'way to be', being part of a 'tribe' etc... they were not truly miserable.

unfortunately some people judge appearance

ive been depressed in the past... (17yrs ago) i wasnt a goth... but mine was caused by medical & hormonal imbalances so i was very lucid in my feelings, an i knew mostly it wasnt real...but still had horribly sad thoughts of paranoia, anxiety, misery, anihilistic, suicide, anger - even began to believe id been cursed with voodoo!! i believed some voodoo woman had cursed my dad when he was out there, possibly because hed jilted her (bit of a stud my dad) and shed cursed his second born child...! What The Funicular- and although i knew i was probably being daft, the story 'fitted' .

i then believed everyone hated me because my nose was bent an i sounded whiney -so people thought i was sneering (its doesnt sound like that, an everyone doesnt hate me...)

an thats how weirdly the mind works when depressed...its very real an has very real outward effects.

unfortunately he has to want to undertsand, if you keep forcing it on him he wil start to avoid seeing you... i know for some its hard to be in the company of the depressed -not because they hate you, (as i believed) but because its hard work & soul zapping... and not much fun...
unfortunately that just adds to the depression - the feeling that people dont like you... vicious circle.

people who say snap out of it - part of me wishes they would have it so they would know what a useless and ignorant thing that is to say... but really i wouldnt wish true depression on anyone...

that said, maybe he has a point on the positive thinking...
it wont cure it completely, but its a step in the right direction - and it cant hurt -
one book that helped me was called Erroneous zones...help me change the way i looked at life...
i also surrounded myself with many small positive influences, even down to painting my room orange and filling it with colourful things...i used a sad lamp, aromatherapy, crystals, meditation cds, rescure remedy, 5HTP, comedy, even just read positive affirmations books etc - it does help... so maybe if hes sees you trying to help yourself more he will be more open to listening...?

[cathfromsaron]

ditto above answers, BUT there are ways of expressing yourself when you are down, to ensure he knows that *despite* his love and support, you are feeling xyz ...

he is probably feeling frightened and frustrated in equal measure ...

[pa___ul3]

although it this problem doesn't affect me, I've been reading the thread and found it really educational, seeing both sides as well. If he were to maybe stumble upon this thread it may help.

[Souldarkness]

Both in late 40s neither Emo or Goth been together over a year.

Neither of us have any family baggage no exes or kids

I think its mainly the withdrawal he sees as rejection so I try to send him little emails and things to let him know I still care etc... but I do sometimes think he deserves better

[Ankou]

speaking as someone who also suffers bouts of depression, although i would never put myself on a scale of depresion that some people i know, including family members suffer/suffered (some suicide history as well), i sympathise.

it seems you have some good advice already so i won't repeat those thoughts. i sense it is you who needs to make the effort souldarkness. my partner puts up with my dark days because i try to explain every facet of it when i can, and some of it hurts her, it always hurts me (but that is not to be selfish, i just can't understand why i am feeling or saying the things i do). what b00 says is hurtful to me, but i can understand it - nobody really wants to be dragged down by anothers emotional baggage, especially if no emotional interest is vested.

you are in a constant cycle of trying to 'get through' to each other, and to really do that you need communication, reasurance, understanding and acceptance - from and to both sides. it may be - as with any personality trait or medical condition - that this is too much for your boyfriend to accept and carry on to sustain a relationship.

the issue does lie with you. your boyfriend can take it or leave it, but if he is willing, then you have some explaining to do, and perhaps together attend some courses/group sessions for depression sufferers. hard times, but if you are both in it for the long-haul then that is what commitment is required.

[cathfromsaron]

sounds like you have low self-esteem too! i think you should work on this (more improvable) aspect first! also, have you been to your local MIND? they have groups for ladies similar to you!

Mind infoline 0300 123 3393

[email protected]

also the 'expert patient programme' gives informaton and support to sufferes of depression x

[wolf63]

I have suffered from depression since my teen and was eventually diagnosed as being Bipolar.

B00 has been honest with her answer - it is difficult to imagine how awful Clinical Depression can be without having suffered from it.

I live alone (with two psycho kitties) and this works okay for me. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone with such a destructive illness.

Souldarkness - don't put too much effort in getting him to understand - he just has to accept that this how things are. This is you - and that will probably never change.

Good luck with your partner.

[sith123]

be positive.