is this the end?

[suagrtits]

well, i popped the question to my partner as its a leap year,and he turned me down. We've been together for 6 years and i figured well he hasn't asked me so i will ask him, . Infact he was really annoyed that i asked him as he feels that it was ''his'' job and im left feeling hurt,embarrased and thinking is this the end of us. Ive always told him that i wanted marriage and kids and though he felt the same, apparently not. We argued and i left to go stay with my parents for a bit to sort my head out. Im thinking what is the point of us at all? ok we have a lovely home, drive nice cars and are doing ok for ourselves but this is not how i planned things to turn out, i said to him that i dont feel hes committed to me but he feels that buying a house together is the biggest committal of all besides having kids. Weve talked about trying for a baby soon and i honestly though that marriage would definalty be on the cards but theres no way im going to go ahead with this now. I feel like hes ripped my heart out and tore my dreams apart. Can i really leave him because of this, am i being selfish?

[Purple_Popple]

Nice username !

[suagrtits]

lol its spelt wrong though, its my pet name that BF calls me , meant to be sugartits

[Canary42]

IMO you're NOT being selfish. If you're not satisfied with the present arrangement then there's probably no future in the relationship sadly. He sounds like one of these men who just want a live-in housekeeper, and incredibly some women seem happy with this sort of arrangement too.

Best of luck for the future, you sound deserving of much better.

[murraymints]

I would not do anything rash....you need to have a sit down and serious heart to heart though....buying a house together is a huge committment...how old are you both?..he may feel not old enough yet..or just plain scared of taking on more than he can chew....

[suagrtits]

im 29 and hes 39. Its not like were kids, were not rich by any means but we do live comfortably although i do know this would change once children come along. He simply says that he does not need a ''piece of paper'' to show committment, he says he loves the bones of me and doesnt want to lose me but on the other hand i dont want to force him into something hes not happy with.

[shoota]

Who needs marriage these days? Is it not an outmoded institution? Could you not be happy without being married? Is this a storm in a D cup?

[Old_Geezer]

You either find a solution that suits you both or there will be a permanent problem. People hold different views. IMO a marriage ceremony is an irrelevance and I understand your partner's POV. What he says is perfectly true, you both have commitments that a simple piece of paper can not hope to come to the same level as. But if for you this is important then by definition it is important, so talk it over, Seems to me that if you both really cared about the relationship then both of you would be prepared to humour the other since this is so trivial. But if neither of you are prepared to do so, and both make a fuss, then maybe the problem is insurmountable. My advice is to assume that you both are likely to come to your senses at some point and reach a decision. Would seem a shame to break up over something so trivial as a ceremony. Leave your bruised ego to one side, talk about the real plans for your life and see if they match. Then worry about the 'nice but irrelevant' stuff afterwards.

[B00]

"Who needs marriage these days? Is it not an outmoded institution? "

One of the saddest things ive read on here for a while.

[mrs_overall]

snap Boo

[LoftyLottie]

Absolutely BOO. Very sad.

To me it is a far greater commitment than buying a house together. That is a material commitment and means very little. You can buy a house with a total stranger, but you wouldn't marry them.

I don't have any moral views on people who choose not to get married, but really can understand how Sugartits feels. I would feel just the same. If the guy loved her enough he would marry her because she wants to be married. What difference would it make to him - none whatsoever. I would leave him!!

And no Sugartits you are not being selfish and he is. You are not asking him to give anything up.

[Ann]

I feel really sad for you sugar - I, like you, look on marriage as an important big commitment but sadly others don't. Its the way of the world, I'm afraid.

[DTCwordfan]

And, for the moment, there are still significant legal differences between being married and living together. The latter does not guarantee transfer of assets on death......esp if no will.

[murraymints]

the children thing is by far the important factor here....you need to decide if you have a future with this guy and have a family or move on..but be sure to make this clear to him ...how important kids are in the equation that is..based on his response to that you have to then decide...

[LoftyLottie]

To ask someone to marry you should be the most important commitment you can ever make to someone. To me it says, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's not just a piece of paper. Unfortunately, it doesn't always end up that way.

My son is getting married this year, just a quiet wedding with no pomp or ceremony. He has been living with his lady for a number of years but I know for a fact that marriage will make her feel extra special and more secure.

Call me old fashioned if you like ;o)

[murraymints]

lofty..we could all come to the wedding and have a keyboard AB arch of honour... what about that for pomp ?

[B00]

I must be even more old fashioned Lottie, as I really don't like the fact that children appear a factor in a relationship before marriage. Despite me doing it the other way round myself and having an unmarried daughter who's got a little boy, lol.

[redman41]

sugartits give him a little while for the shock to sink in... he might come round to the idea... the age gap might be a bigger issue for him than he'd like to admit as well. No kids without the formal commitment though as you'd never be really happy

[redman41]

oops hadn't logged redman off its me...Rowan sorry

[tinkerbell23]

Awee sugar :0(

Not that you want sympathy probs but i feel for you hunni!!
Its not something id do (ask a man to marry) call me old fashioned... BUT i think its lovely that you did.

I dont think he said NO because he dosent love you etc? Hes said hes a bit embarrased that he thinks its his job to ask you...so like others said u need a chat. You seem comitted. I think you will work it out. Good luck xxx

[LoftyLottie]

I'm surprised Murray, that he has actually informed us he is getting married. I thought they would just go off one day on their own and do it.

BOO, I feel like you about kids too and think it is ludicrous when people have their children as bridesmaids/page boys. Just plain silly!! Sometimes things happen though BOO and kids come along first. There but for the grace of God.................. ;o)