Help me get my marriage back.....

[BeaverDiva]

I posted this in family, but maybe it should have been here instead. Sorry!

husband doesn't seem happy at the moment, and i don't really know what to do. I feel like we're not close anymore, and just keep getting on at eachother all the time - the little things that we both do annoy the hell out of one another. I hate it. I adore my husband and our son - I love him to bits, I really do. But it feels like things are slipping away.

feels like he's only happy when he's going out and then he comes back drunk - which annoys me, especially if he's later than he said he would be. seems really unfair that i'm stuck at home when he's out too.

we did used to go out all the time before we had the baby (he's nearly 2 now) so i know he's always liked a busy social life (as i did too), but we can't do that now - but it seems lately that he's going out more and more often, whereas i'm not. so then i'm all on a downer when he's been out because i'm either upset he went and didn't care that i was home and bored, or he came back later and more drunk than was necessary.......

It doesn't help that the last couple of times we've been out together its been rubbish.....we argued the time before, and then this time went to the local (his idea) and it was dead. So now i've got it in my head that he only enjoys going out without me.......
Please help me fix this??

[murraymints]

Oh Dear !..not unusual when a child comes along..you need to make time for each other each week..is there someone that can take the child for a few hours on a regular basis ?..He may feel a tad neglected as he is out to work all day..forgetting that you have been just as busy at home...and wants some attention, which is difficult if you have a young child to attend too..resentment grows and before long you both feel neglected etc....you need time together without the stress of a child to talk and do stuff together...

[BeaverDiva]

actually its me that's out to work all day while he's at home....

[ummmm]

He's a stay at home Dad?

[BeaverDiva]

Yes. I wanted to stay home for a while with the little one - but financially, it's better if I work, so we had to go with that. Does that make a difference?

[ummmm]

Maybe. Hard to say without knowing him.

[China Doll]

Maybe he feels stuck at home while you're out at work. Probably just need to communicate more, sounds like you're both on a downer adjusting to your new life and taking it out on each other. Maybe try and have one night a week which is just about spending time together, either in or out, that's if someone will babysit obviously. Sounds like you just need a proper sit down and talk it over to reach some compromises.

[BeaverDiva]

I've got to say i'm quite surprised that murraymints assumed it was my husband that was out all day at work while i was at home, and that ummmm then questioned it.....

[ummmm]

I asked was he a stay at home dad. Just because you're out at work all day doesn't mean he doesn't have a job.

[BeaverDiva]

so, according to what i'm picking up so far here - if its the man working he must feel neglected by the woman?, but if its the woman working, the man must feel stuck at home?

Anyone got any advice not related to who is working and who is not? The decision was my husbands, not mine, and i have no problem with it. He does not feel stuck at home, nor neglected, and neither do i. We have done this for over a year, and that's not the problem (nor is it mentioned in my original post).

The issue is in the evenings when he goes out and i'm left at home until he comes home late and drunk, and the fact that we're niggling at eachother constantly.

[China Doll]

Why would you be suprised? Generally the assumption is that the fella is at work and the lady at home, it's more common these days for it to be the other way round but it's still not essentially what is first thought of. If you twist the advice that murray gave to you being the working one then it's still good advice. Equally just a fella is at home doesn't mean he's a stay at home day, the hubby of one of the docs here is at home all day but they have a nanny as he works from home and keeps office hours so he's not actually looking after the child.

[BeaverDiva]

sorry ummmm - just read your last post x

[ummmm]

Tell him to stop going out and getting drunk.

[China Doll]

'Anyone got any advice not related to who is working and who is not?'

Yes. I gave it to you. It might be better if you work on your communicating rather than getting bolsy with users on a site you've been a member of since 2010 and only just started posting on again.

[pdust]

cant you get a baby sitter and go out together? or if not, why dont you have nights out too? if hes a stay at home dad then hes more than capable of staying home and looking after your son while you go let your hair down

[murraymints]

same thing just the otherway around maybe !!..you both need to have quality time to appreciate each other's role in the family unit...

[BeaverDiva]

chinadoll i wasn't being bolsy - why research the length of my membership of the site to make your point? i'm actually a regular member but have signed in on a different computer which appears to have my old log in details. not that i feel its relevant how long i've been coming on the site for. I may have been a little defensive but thats because the problem is nothing to do with who works and who doesn't work, but just seems to have been jumped upon as the sole cause of problems. With all due respect, the advice you gave was related to our working situations.

Murraymints, i see your point - but I don't feel neglected, and so its not the same just hte other way round. Ummm - I expected a little better from you tbh - "tell him to stop going out and getting drunk" - thanks for that x

[Octavius]

Due to varying circumstances, myself and Mrs Octavius very rarely get out together on our own, perhaps twice a year or three at the most, so each outing is treated as a special occasion.

For starters I would suggest that you put a date in your calendar and aim to go somewhere different. A drink is fine, but not for the purposes of getting drunk. Maybe a nice meal or a movie and a trendy bar, something that you can both enjoy and laugh at, get your mojo back. Maybe dress up in your finest.

This night should be easy going and special - no pressure to be romantic, let it just happen - it should be something you both look forward to, aim to enjoy, and talk about during the months following when the daily grind starts to get you down again, whilst looking forward to and arranging the next 'special' occasion.

[ummmm]

What do you want me to say? You're telling us that it's not work related but that could be the sole reason.

In 2012 some men would still feel a tad inadequate by not being the bread winner. On paper, perfect compromise, in reality, not always the case.

Being at home is boring.

[craft1948]

Why do you think your husband going out is not related to him being a house husband. If he's at home with the child all the time perhaps he needs some social interaction with other adult males during the evening.

[ummmm]

And like Craft says...there's not many people about during the day, especially men.