Lying So Not To Upset Your Partner?

[Leapers]

Hi

All I seem to be doing lately is moaning about my boyfriend and my friends have had enough so I thought I would turn you ABers to help me out please

I am in a long-distance relationship and i haven't seen my boyfriend for 4 months now, but that is kind of irrelevant. He has lied to me about seeing a woman that I don't like, don't trust and has a bad reputation for being a bit promiscuous with taken men and basically any man really! A couple of years ago I kicked off big time about him seeing her as there were rumours about that they were sleeping together but this turned out not to be true so I think I have a fair point to be suspicuous about her and I asked him not to see her anymore but he still did, (by see her I mean just as friends as there are a few of them work together and go to the pub etc)

Then there was a break for a while with him not seeing her at all that I know of anyway and now that we are long distance and I am not around I think he sees her and lies about it, like if a group of them go out to the pub he's very funny about saying who went sometimes and I have caught him out lying once as a picture came up on facebook, but he knows I would get upset/angry if he told me which I would because he knows how I feel about her.
Is it ok to lie about something like that just so it doesn't start a fight between us because I don't think it is? But he is also very careful about mentioning anything about any female friends that he sees or bumps into which I don't have a problem in the slightest of him having female friends especially as most of them I am friends with too! But he still lies about it!

[murraymints]

In the kindest possible terms.....Ditch him. ...

[tonyav]

LOL, yep thats kind minty.

[boxtops]

I'm beginning to agree. It's not working, you're envious of his busy lifestyle, you're really negative - I bet he feels like you're almost checking up on him all the time. He can't be very happy either, having to watch everything he does and says.

What does he think, have you asked him? I think you should, when you meet up.

[DTCwordfan]

Sometimes you have to be harsh to be kind.

I agree with minty.

[tonyav]

So do I DTC, just having a josh with minty thats all DTC.

[giveup]

Agree with murraymints

[daffy654]

I can't see what this bloke is staying with you for.

[jim360]

A lot of people are saying directly what I was trying to avoid being so blunt about. Basically, if trust in a relationship has broken down then that's a seriously bad thing and needs to be addressed fast. And if you can't find a way to fix it soon, then you shouldn't stay in it a second after that becomes clear.

So see him in March, have some fun times together, discuss this, sort it out, and if you can't do that then end it. Why the trust has broken down is a serious question that needs answering, ie how much of it if any is your "fault" for being overly suspicious?

[Leapers]

Thanks for all your answers, I don't want to ditch him we have been together for over 3 years now and although thats not really that long when we are together either living together or at least in the same town things are amazing we have so much in common and we have so much fun. I think there is a strain for not seeing each other for so long when before we were seeing each other every month or there abouts and we did decide to a break was needed for a while before but we both still wanted to be with each other after but at the moment we seem to leap from one disaster to another

[Quizmonkey]

If there is lying (for whatever reason) then there is no relationship. Simple as that. Relationships exist on trust and 100% honesty and communication. If they're not there, don't kid yourself you have a relationship.

[rsvp]

Haven't read through all the previous posts and good advice - from the OP - IMO at this stage in your relationship (long distance or otherwise) you shouldn't be dealing with fundamental issues. Are you a couple or aren't you ? and in which case if there is something which makes one of you uncomfortable (and you obviously are) then if you can't talk it out and reach a mutually acceptable resolution then maybe you aren't the 'dream couple'.