Looking For An Alterntaive View

[Segilla]

I’m single aged 78, and for 8 years I’ve had a committed relationship with a lady overseas and we have visited each other for fortnights around 8 times.
She is 68, ten years younger than me, and has become reconciled with her husband. Sad though that is for me, for her sake in the future, I’m glad of that really.

She’s not been here now for 18 months and will not return, but she expects the same commitment from me to continue. I’m now looking for a close friend here – and she finds that very difficult to accept. She now has a normal social life at home etc but expects me to live alone as if nothing has changed.

I’ve asked only my three closest friends what they think and all support my view, but to be fair, I’d like an impartial angle on this, please.

[bert_h]

Her attitude brings the proverb about wanting to have your cake and eat it immediately to mind. If she thinks that she now owes you nothing, then okay, neither do you owe her anything any more. But enjoy the memories!

[Sqad]

She is fed up with your relationship which i presume involved sex and has now packed you in and is faithful to her husband.......again.

She wants you to just "hang around"....waiting for......what?

"stuff her".......if you can find another suitable female, then you go ahead.

[cazzz1975]

I agree with your friends, she has reconciled with her husband and so I cannot see the issue with you wanting to find a companion of your own, Im sure she will learn to accept it in time.

[2sp_]

If I read this right, she has got back together with her husband but wants you to stay single?

Having her cake and eating it then?

I hope you find happiness with someone new.

[Mamyalynne]

My opinion is that by all means stay friends either by letter/phone/email or skype , but as she is now reconciled then it is time to rebuild your life here, hopefully find a new companion and I pray happiness.

Lots of luck , you sound very considerate. ♥

[Octavius]

So she has moved on and expects you to sit still ? When you say reconciled with her husband I presume you mean reformed the relationship, or is she expecting something from you (apart fromwhat you have already stated).

[Iluvspikey]

So, she can't have you, nobody else can, but she's got hers so put up with it. How selfish is that? Hedging her bets I suppose if it all went wrong for her tomorrow she'd be wanting to pick up the threads with you. Chances of happiness don't happen often, and when you get to the late summer of your years a little companionship, happiness is lovely. You find somebody deserved of your time and company closer to home, and enjoy it. Good Luck XX

[snags]

''and she finds that very difficult to accept''

^ Unbelievable. There is only one answer: tell your overseas friend to hop off and look to find happiness nearer home.

[jno]

I wonder how her husband feels about this... anyway, no, your relationship has changed (as relationships do) and you are right to look elsewhere. She seems to be behaving somewhat selfishly, and I don't really know why, but you must get on with your own life. Good luck.

[roopower]

Please listen to the advice given to you by your close friends, they know you best and would have your interests at heart. I think, like everyone else, that it's time to move on and look for a close relationship nearer to home. Your friend overseas is not thinking of you at all. If you want to keep in touch with her, that's fine but she has to accept that it's time for you to move on - she has!

Good luck, I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Keep looking.

[grasscarp]

As you are living in separate countries then you can do what you like as she will never know. What the "commitment" consists of when you are not having the visits any longer is hard to define. I would just not say anything more and get on with your life.

[sara3]

have I read that right? in 8 years you have spent 8 fortnights together?

I can't quite imagine what either of you got from that. it's not my idea of a "committed relationship".

I wish you luck looking for something more suitable.

[Canary42]

Your three closest friends are right.

[Purple_Popple]

Simple, she is a very selfish person who has only her own happiness at heart. She doesn't want you to be happy and is expecting you to hang around in the background so she has you to turn to should the relationship with her husband breadown again.

[Segilla]

Thanks to all, not just for agreeing with me, but for taking the trouble to write.

[brandyrose]

Hi Segilla,
For what its worth - my personal opinion- this woman is selfish with capital S. If you are genuine (I think you are) and like her (I think you do) She with the capital S will know this and she will also know that you are alone and well that makes you vulnerable because she's not alone. She is used to getting her way. Now I have a thought - if you could visit her for great holidays and be that friend to her provided it allowed you to hit on her friends or bring a female friend with you and go out on your own with other women that might be a neat idea and even get to be friends with her husband (she might reveal her true colours then). Weigh it up but if you are not getting at least 50% out of it then I think you will lose out emotionally etc etc and miss out on a great relationship with someone else. She sounds very self interested but her poor ex-husband no doubt knows this!!! too. I feel sorry for him if he even exists. You are too nice for this and you ideally need to be so distracted with nice experiences and other people that you do not give her a thought. How you feel matters though so trust yourself and I believe you know the answer here - its really important that you put yourself first and do what makes you feel valued.

[society]

I agree with all of the above post, and think you should move on.

You're 78 and still getting 'it' up? Good for you. :)

[Dee Sa]

I think she wants to keep you as "first reserve". Whilst she was patching things up with her husband did she think about your feelings on the matter ? of course not. Your relationship with her has run its course, move on to new things and ignore her, change your phone number, send letters back marked moved away and get on with the rest of your life. Good luck.

[Bbbananas]

I agree with our view, and that of your friends and the above folk.

Move on, fine someone closer to home and who wants the same as you. And you're 78? Blummin well done - go for it !!!