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Ex Boyfriend Question
15 Answers
So I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend 3 and a half years ago. She ended it - they're both in their 40's and didn't live together.
In time she did come to regret it but stood by her decision. She didn't want to mess the guys life up any further and impinge on any happiness he might have found in her absence.
He always kept in touch every few months by text and it was clear they still thought a lot about each other. He never said said if he was in a new relationship though she swears he is just because she knows him so well and can 'feel it in her water'.
Anyway, she hadn't heard from him since January this year - and she thought she wouldn't hear from him again - but he text her a few days ago. He had been drinking of course. She does like to hear from him but at the same time feels it's probably inappropriate because he's in a relationship. And also he's doing it while under the influence of drink and not sober a lot of the time.
She always responds and they always say how much they miss each other etc but at the same time she feels he has absolutely no intention of trying to get back with her. She thinks he just gets a bit sentimental with alcohol.
I advised her to ask him outright if he had a girlfriend but she said she's tried to ask him in a roundabout way and he avoids the subject. She said she feels he has but he doesn't want to tell her.
My question is, do you think she should be responding to his texts? Considering he only texts while drunk. The texts are often months apart. And he has a girlfriend (lets just go with the idea that he has).
Also she's a bit depressed just now and she feels she's forever saying sorry to him for ending it. She knows it's unlikely to work out a second time around even though she still cares for him. If it didn't work out first time around then there's no point.
And she says if she was his current girlfriend she's not be best pleased if he was texting an ex.
In time she did come to regret it but stood by her decision. She didn't want to mess the guys life up any further and impinge on any happiness he might have found in her absence.
He always kept in touch every few months by text and it was clear they still thought a lot about each other. He never said said if he was in a new relationship though she swears he is just because she knows him so well and can 'feel it in her water'.
Anyway, she hadn't heard from him since January this year - and she thought she wouldn't hear from him again - but he text her a few days ago. He had been drinking of course. She does like to hear from him but at the same time feels it's probably inappropriate because he's in a relationship. And also he's doing it while under the influence of drink and not sober a lot of the time.
She always responds and they always say how much they miss each other etc but at the same time she feels he has absolutely no intention of trying to get back with her. She thinks he just gets a bit sentimental with alcohol.
I advised her to ask him outright if he had a girlfriend but she said she's tried to ask him in a roundabout way and he avoids the subject. She said she feels he has but he doesn't want to tell her.
My question is, do you think she should be responding to his texts? Considering he only texts while drunk. The texts are often months apart. And he has a girlfriend (lets just go with the idea that he has).
Also she's a bit depressed just now and she feels she's forever saying sorry to him for ending it. She knows it's unlikely to work out a second time around even though she still cares for him. If it didn't work out first time around then there's no point.
And she says if she was his current girlfriend she's not be best pleased if he was texting an ex.
Answers
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He is her ex for a reason...she needs to let go. Caring about somebody means you want their happiness. He will keep texting her when drunk if she keeps replying. Sometimes we look back on relationship
16:44 Mon 29th Jul 2013
It doesn't look like he really wants to get back together with her or he would come right out with it and or suggest meeting. Whether or not she replies is up to her. What does it matter if she would object if a boyfriend of hers were texting an ex. These things happen all the time. A text is not a problem. What the text leads to is the problem. In this case nothing.
Does she absolutely adore this guy? Why did she end it? I don't sense that she believes he's the one for her, so she should get a different number and not keep in touch. The best girls I've been out with (i.e. the most sensible) are the ones who have said "No, we cannot 'just be friends'" ! - when they dumped me! I thought they were heartless at the time, but when I grew more mature I understood they did that for the best - for them and for me! I still think about them - always will - but it would never have worked
Barquentine, at the time she finished with him I believe she did think he wasn't 'the one' for her. But with hindsight she says she was at her happiest in years in the time she was with him. I think she maybe really did love him but she wasn't so much 'in love' with him. But maybe that's where we all go wrong? We give up the good guy who loves us and we love back for something that's all a bit Mills and Boon? Can I just state she's also been single since. Perhaps that's why she's questioning this whole situation.
I think she finds it hard to think of him out of her life completely - he probably feels much the same and that 's why he gets in touch every so often, albeit whilst drinking.
Hanging on to the past won't do either of them any good I guess. In an ideal world he would ask her to give it another go - but's it's not an ideal world. She'll have to face up to the reality that he'll probably go off and marry someone.
Thanks for all your feedback - all noted and appreciated.
Hanging on to the past won't do either of them any good I guess. In an ideal world he would ask her to give it another go - but's it's not an ideal world. She'll have to face up to the reality that he'll probably go off and marry someone.
Thanks for all your feedback - all noted and appreciated.
No. You can never go back and way too much time has passed now. He is clearly not being candid with her and skirting the issue from what is said in the question I wonder of drink was an issue whilst they were together. I do wonder if he is sort of punishing her for ending it and also enjoys the attention.
She should text him a pleasant goodbye and then block his number or she will never move on.
She should text him a pleasant goodbye and then block his number or she will never move on.
"I do wonder if he is sort of punishing her for ending it and also enjoys the attention."
I think there's more than a grain of truth in that sentence. Also about six months after she finished with him she became ill with depression which eventually led to her losing her job. Her life basically fell apart after they broke up. I'm not saying these things happened due to the break up - I think life just became difficult for her as she had family issues going on etc.
He knew about all of this as she told him through their infrequent texting. She never, ever text him first as she was leaving him alone to get on with his life.
I secretly think he gains some satisfaction (even subconsciously) that things did go a bit pear shaped for her when they broke up. Only human I guess - a lot of us would gain some sort of satisfaction if our ex crumbled in our absence.
I think it's probably some sort of ego boost for him to hear how she regrets her decision and how crap her life has become. He visited her home a few times in mid december 2012 with a couple of dvd's he promised her. I think she though it could be the start of a reconciliation but he disappeared off the radar till way after New Year. Not the behaviour of a man who cares I feel. In my opinion I think he just wanted to see for himself how low she had really become.
I think there's more than a grain of truth in that sentence. Also about six months after she finished with him she became ill with depression which eventually led to her losing her job. Her life basically fell apart after they broke up. I'm not saying these things happened due to the break up - I think life just became difficult for her as she had family issues going on etc.
He knew about all of this as she told him through their infrequent texting. She never, ever text him first as she was leaving him alone to get on with his life.
I secretly think he gains some satisfaction (even subconsciously) that things did go a bit pear shaped for her when they broke up. Only human I guess - a lot of us would gain some sort of satisfaction if our ex crumbled in our absence.
I think it's probably some sort of ego boost for him to hear how she regrets her decision and how crap her life has become. He visited her home a few times in mid december 2012 with a couple of dvd's he promised her. I think she though it could be the start of a reconciliation but he disappeared off the radar till way after New Year. Not the behaviour of a man who cares I feel. In my opinion I think he just wanted to see for himself how low she had really become.
She's going to go around in circles with this.
This "infrequent! contact" is not likely to stop unless she sticks to her first decision to end the relationship.
From what you say it is dragging on and she will just be tormented with it as it is not ended and if they haven't agreed to stay friends I'd say its over. If this is making her feel amazing - thats one thing if not then she can sort this in 2 mins. (if she wants to)
This "infrequent! contact" is not likely to stop unless she sticks to her first decision to end the relationship.
From what you say it is dragging on and she will just be tormented with it as it is not ended and if they haven't agreed to stay friends I'd say its over. If this is making her feel amazing - thats one thing if not then she can sort this in 2 mins. (if she wants to)
He is her ex for a reason...she needs to let go. Caring about somebody means you want their happiness. He will keep texting her when drunk if she keeps replying. Sometimes we look back on relationships which weren't great with rose tinted glasses. Forget about who he is with now & move on. Make room in her head and heart for somebody new.
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