My Daughter Is Homeless

[tamaris]

She is 42, we have had a complicated relationship, with many years lost. We are in touch again and she has left her boyfriend in Luxenbourg and is now homeless. She has no proper job or status over there, no car, and she wont come back to the UK. She has 4 dogs i cat and 3 smaller animals which she loves, but at the moment her ex is looking after them, but for how long as he wants her back but she does not want to go back to him. It would not work I see that as he is an alcholic. She pet/house sits and now has no jobs on for a month. She has paid for a bedsit for a week but after that is homeless. I gave her some money a couple of weeks ago.
We are at our wits end, anyone got any words of wisdom ?

[factor-fiction]

Ask her what help she needs, if any. If she says she doesn't need help then just respect her wishes. Realistically though how much help can you offer- she probably needs at least a few thousand pounds for it to make a difference in terms of getting somewhere to live, so have you got that sort of money available?

[EDDIE51]

whatdo you mean by 'no status' over there ? If she lives there she is a resident and as it is in the EU she has the same rights to whatever benefits are available as any other citizen . Luxenberg must have a social security system.

[tamaris]

She has casual work only. She was on a course recently to teach English to the locals but did not pass, that would have made her 'legal'. She is a hard worker, and wants to be in regular work. You need 3 pay slips to get a flat etc.

[Old_Geezer]

I think the first thing is to accept that given she is your offspring, at 42 she is old enough to make her own decisions and her own mistakes; so there is a limited amount you can do but to "be there" when she needs an ear to listen to her.

She is adamant she won't come back to the UK now, in which case she needs to sort out welfare/job/accommodation fast as the deadline is looming. Or else she relents and opts to return to the parental home (complicated relationship or not) for a bit while she sorts herself out. But to repeat myself it's her decision.

You two can not be expected to fund her where she is, continually, and if you start it, it will be difficult to stop.

[Mosaic]

Just to echo OG's points. It'll be a hard time ahead for her and for you, whatever you decide, but she is an adult and free to make her own decisions and mistakes. You can be family, you can care, but she will ultimately have to sort herself out.

[jno]

I agree with OG; 42-year-olds have to live their own lives, for better or worse. Offer her all the sympathy you can; but in your position I wouldn't be pleading with her to come home.

[tamaris]

Thank you all for your kind words.
I have sent her an email, on the lines of >

I do not agree with your choice to stay there.
I can not give you money when you show little signs of a settled future there.
I will always love you but that is all I can do, if you decide to stay there.

God gave us all choices in life.

I love you very much, take care

Love

Mam x

[jno]

I think that's both kind and sensible. At our time of life we don't want to have to start raising our children again.

[tamaris]

Thank you JNO, you are quite right, At my age I have enough to contend with, and she has managed for alot of years without me.

[Dee Sa]

it hurts tamarisk when your children turn to you for help/advice/money etc, I think you are taking the right path to deal with this and it is very brave of you to do so.
Would she goes back to her ex if he agreed to go to AA or similar and mend his ways ?all those animals must cost a pretty penny to feed, would she be considered a suitable tenant with 4 dogs & 1 cat, are they animal lovers in Luxemburg ?

[tamaris]

Hi Dee sa, she has not been in touch, since I sent the message, I am very worried. He wont go to AA or change his ways apparantly, there is more to it than she is saying I think. I dont feel brave I feel bad and sad about it all. Yes the last bill came to over 100 euros as I was with her when she bought it all for them. Money she needs for herself, but she says she wont give them up, but she is in no position to keep them, she said she has tried to get them fostered but it has not come to any thing. No one is going to take on all those animals IMO.

[Dee Sa]

Tamaris I do feel for you I hope things work out also for your daughter and her animals too. Love & hugs Deex

[Jeza]

I feel for you Tamaris. Kids who'd have them. In my next life I will stay single and be child free.

[tamaris]

Thank you for your kind words it helps me get through this nightmare x

[jomifl]

Eddie, you cannot claim unemployment benefit in all or some EU countries without being registered as employed and or paying tax in that country. The hippy daughter of a friend had to return to the UK to get handouts as she had never worked (officially) in France.

[jomifl]

She appears to have made herself homeless. Ti be cynical perhaps she should move back with her friend until she has evolved a better plan than flouncing.

[Khandro]

I think jomifl is right. You are understandably too involved, she is not without options (temporarily go back to him, or come to you ). You have to 'let go' - she is 42 after all and she will survive. Your email was quite apt.

[tamaris]

I have let go since she left home at 17 and I know she is 42, it does not mean you stop loving your child, or caring what happens to them.