Man Time

[Rubyrose]

Hi,

I was wondering and just wanted to know from a few of the guys (or the girls) what they think about the below...

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. Before him it had been a good few years since I had really been with anyone serious so maybe I'm a bit out of touch.

Is it normal for a guy to want his 'man time'? By this, I mean time where he does nothing and sees no-one.

My boyfriend runs, cycles and swims as his hobbies. I don't think he looks at them as relaxing as he does them to keep in shape and keep his mood up as he suffers from depression now and then. Plus, sometimes he'll invite me to go and do these things with him. Every now and then though, he won't want to do anything, with anyone.

For example, he is off work today, tomorrow and Thursday. We have plans to see each other tomorrow after I finish work and the last time I saw him was Friday evening, Saturday day and then again on Sunday evening for a few hours.
I asked him what he was up to tonight and he said 'Nothing'. So I said 'I could come over and we could go for dinner or watch a movie?' to which his response was 'No, it's ok. I'm seeing you tomorrow. I just want to do nothing'. At first I was a bit offended because I want to see him so why wouldn't he want to see me? But then I realised this may be a man thing.

I've asked a couple of my male friends but they are very 'laddish' which my boyfriend isn't so I can see that they want time alone to watch the football or get drunk with the boys. My boyfriend doesn't drink so when he sees his friends it's running or cycling. He works evening shifts 5 days a week with 3 days off after that and he is also studying and fitting in his hobbies and me. I'd never stop him doing his activities, studying or seeing family and friends etc. I just can't help but feel offended though that sometimes he'd rather do nothing that see me. Are women just wired differently? I love spending time with him and would see him every day if I could.

I realise I might be sounding a bit needy here but also because of his depression he has broken up with me a few times in the 8 months we've been together. He'll get to a point where he can't handle his work, overtime, new mortgage, studying and a girlfriend and he shuts down and ends things. It breaks my heart when he does it and then I manage to make him see it's the depression. I know he loves me and he's told me he really thinks I'm 'the one' but when the depression strikes, he can't see any of that. So I think when he has these moments of wanting to be alone, I wonder if it's just normal and all blokes do it, or if it's something to do with his depression or even something to do with me?

Thanks for your help.
RR

[MallyJ]

I think time to yourself is great and there are lots of times when I would rather just read a book or watch tv than see anyone at all. I have backed out of arrangements too. I am ,by the way, female and married. I think some of us need time to be alone and that does not matter whether we are male or female (why would you assume it is a gender thing?). What he does have , however is you round his little finger and my suggestion would be just to go with the flow and occasionally, when he wants to see you, just be doing your own thing. I am getting the impression that when he wants your company you are always there... that is not necessarily a good thing...a little bit of distance might make the whole issue a little clearer for you both. My concern is that he has you just where he wants you ... and when he says jump you say how high? He finishes with you, apologises and you go back ... thinking poor him. I may be totally wrong but anyway we all need our own time to ourselves..which is what I started off saying!

[Sqad]

That scenario is nothing that i recognise from myself or my past experiences with mates of mine.

If you have a girl and really fancy her, then you "can't get enough of her" and want to see her as much as possible. The Utopia doesn't last for ever...so to speak.

It does sound as though he has a .....how do i put it.......a personality situation which may or may not be medically significant.

Go with the flow and see what transpires.

[Cloverjo]

He sounds quite reserved and introverted, and therefore is very happy with his own company. It's no reflection on you if he wants to be alone sometimes. I agree with Mally that you could also do things for yourself, like see your friends sometimes, and do your own thing.

[Mamyalynne]

It isn't necessarily a'man thing'but it is 'his thing' - you have to decide if that fits in with what you want from a man.


Good advice above too.

[andy-hughes]

I understand exactly where he is coming from.

I have suffered from depression - am currently medicated daily, so I am nice and balanced.

But even before that, and throughout my life, I have enjoyed my own company for periods of time, when I may read, surf the net, watch TV, go out walking, and just enjoy being my myself.

It works fine for me because my wife works away for odd days, sometimes two or three days, and once or twice a year for a couple of months, so I get the time I need.

Don't think your partner thinks less of you - he just needs time to relax, charge the old batteries, and generally enjoy his own space.

It's fine - but be aware, he won't change if you marry - you will still need to give him the time alone he needs, or he will be unhappy.

[Old_Geezer]

Everyone is different, just like everyone else. Some feel a need to maximise the time they are with their partner, others want more private time. Nice if you and your partner's needs/wants matches, but if not, and if one cares for one's partner then there is always compromise and agreeing something both are ok with.

[Retrochic]

rubyrose -that's why married men have sheds, clubs or allotments. Everyone benefits from time out to completely relax. You come over as a bit 'needy' sorry but that's how it sounds, he breaks up then you persuade him its 'his depression' and you get back together for a while......You have the choice to take him how he is or walk away as you will never change him. You do things together that's great, but people need to do other things not together. I've been married a long time and we do things together but both do other things separately. Next time he breaks up with you leave him to it - let him come back to you ,or not , as the case may be. Then you will have your heart broken but be free to try elsewhere with someone more suitable to your personality.

[Elina]

Hi Ruby, he's fitting a hell of a lot in there and working nights & suffers with depression! I'd say, if you enjoy the relationship, give him the space he needs. You need to fill 'your' time with stuff you're interested in. It's what you feel you are happy with at the end of the day, are you happy to carry on with that arrangement, or do you want more perhaps from someone new? x

[DaisyNonna]

I too need time alone

[Canary42]

Read Mamyalynne's first sentence again - that says IT ALL.

[Elina]

I love time on my own too.

[Rubyrose]

Thanks everyone. This has helped. I really do love him and I can deal with him needing space if I know it's nothing personal. I've never had depression so I can't quite understand but I'm trying and I'm not going anywhere. When we're together it's great and we have such a laugh. I guess I just need to back off a bit and give him his 'man time'. When I do, he sometimes tells me he really missed me so it can work in my favour.
I just keep worrying if he wants time on his own it's because he doesn't want to be with me anymore but I also don't want to suffocate him.
RR x

[DaisyNonna]

Not necessarily man time
Just personal time

[Rubyrose]

I should also add, I do see my friends, family, go out etc but iWork Monday to Friday, 9-5 so I do this in the evenings and at weekends where as he works most evenings and weekends so his days off are more precious I guess because of his unsociable working hours.

I do feel like I'm being needy but I think this has come on over the last few months because we broke up a couple of times. I feel like I need to calm myself down a bit.

I know it sounds silly to say 'I convince him it's the depression, and then we get back together' but it's the weirdest thing to see. He can be so loving and sweet and telling me he loves me so much then I see the depression start and his mood change as things get on top of him and suddenly within days he 'doesn't know how he feels about me'! I know it's the depression because he's never ended things with me when his mood was up. He's always been happy at those points.
I love him so I'll just have to give him space. Xx

[jourdain2]

Just sometimes Mr J2 goes off into his own space. I don't know what to call it. Sometimes he'll pick an issue over something really tiny as an excuse.

At first I was desperate about these times, believed his 'I want to be alone, this marriage is a mistake' type of statements. I still have a nasty couple of days when it happens, but I now know that he'll come out of it.

I don't know why it happens, nor does he. He has managed to say that it is better if I am near him when he is in one of these 'lost' times. I had been going out for hours to give him time to recover, now I stay around a silent house.

He hates it as much as I do. I love him deeply and I know that he feels the same and that we need to be together. It just happens sometimes, probably he was traumatised by being an evacuee or something.

So, don't know if all blokes do it, mine does. Give him the space he needs and work out if he needs you around at those times or not. :)

[DaisyNonna]

Trite but true
Patience is a virtue
Best wishes to you

[Rubyrose]

Thanks, that's helped massively.
I love him so much and I know I can only help by being there when he needs it and not being there when he needs that too.

Thanks. Xx