My Mother

[Ric.ror]

I know I must sound ungrateful but the thing is she's driving me mad
She's 89 and housebound but she wants me there all the time - it's actually wearing me down a little
She goes to a day centre 3 days a week and the very first thing she does on her return is ring me to ask me what time I will be there. Today she rang me at 10am to ask why I didn't go see her first thing. She's just asked me if I'm going out tonight purely so she can find out if I can sit in with her watching soap operas or whatever else. We don't talk as I have nothing new to say to her. I had intended on taking her out this morning for a coffee but my plans changed slightly so I couldn't. Thank goodness I didn't tell her or she would have sulked all day
It's the neediness more than anything I find annoying. It's like being in a bad marriage you can't get out off

I know I'm just sounding off really and those who have lost their mothers will think how ungrateful I am but it is so draining.

[Ric.ror]

I should have added that one of my brothers paid their monthly visit too which didn't help

[Maydup]

Aw ric.ror it must be draining indeed. And you are right that others will only wish they had a mother to moan about! One day you will look back and wish she were here, but for now you need to maintain a healthy balance. Does she expect you to visit every day? Maybe its the not knowing whether someone will visit today or not, that makes her anxious. Could you tell her a couple of days ahead what your plans are and that way, she might nit expect you in between?

[Ric.ror]

I actually live in the flat above her
I've been three times today and just left her
She says I have no idea how she feels when she is on her own. I have suggested a home but she's not keen
I spoke to a doctor last week and she is going to give her a mild antidepressants starting last week and then I'm hoping to sort her out with a cleaner for two hours a week and home care that will come in to help her on the morning, luncheon and tea/bed time
She doesn't really need all that but I'm hoping a few more visitors might help. She'll probably start stressing about her rings then!

[MallyJ]

She is lonely and bored.....does she have anyone else apart from you who pops in regularly? My MIL had a carer who made her breakfast and had a chat with her every day. It gave her someone else to focus on. There are actually volunteers who make friends with the elderly and visit regularly just for a chat ... I don't know the name but am sure that you could find similar where you live. Local churches etc may also have an out reach programme whereby the elderly are visited..no matter if they have a religion or not. I mention these because that may lighten your load .... and perhaps your brother and other relatives could be 'volunteered' for a weekly visit. Do not feel that you are being disloyal or unloving to feel this way....it is a real strain to be at someones beck and call....My mother died when I was in my 30s.....but I could not have done what you are doing... be kind to yourself

[Maydup]

Have a look around the Age UK website you might find some helpful ideas, such as the befriending scheme.

A volunteer visitor once a week would give her something to look forward to, as well as something to talk about.

[Maydup]

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/loneliness/befriending-services/

[Cloverjo]

Even though she's not dying, a local hospice might have volunteers to come and chat.

Don't feel bad for finding it draining. It is very tough.

[Giggsie]

I know exactly how you feel my mother was the exact same. She thought you should always be there. When you said I need to go now she would say hate to sit here alone. Made me feel guilty sometimes but found it like you very draining. Every day I had to be there in the morning or else where were you where have you been? Felt my days were taken up with mum can't go there need to be back. Can't be away all day she will be fretting as to where I am. She used to say please stay for tea ..no mum I have dinner to make for hubby. Now I wish I had stayed with her more when she needed me as she is now lying in hospital sometimes she knows me sometimes not. It all happened in one night. She did her crosswords everyday even managed a mobile phone and texting at 91 - 92 yrs old in May. Perfectly well one night next day could not get out of bed the next so so sad to see her now. So please do what you can for your mum and have no regrets.

[Ric.ror]

Thank you all
It's certainly been a help to air my thoughts

[Giggsie]

Ric.ror just thought I would let you know my mum has passed away I am heartbroken. Ok she was nearly 92 yrs old but still my mum. Please bear with your mum and have no regrets.

[Mamyalynne]

Giggsie, please accept my condolences, take care.x

[-SharonA-]

I am with giggsie on this one. When your mum passes, the guilt will eat at you.