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Am I Being Unreasonable By Not Wanting To Wait For His Daughter To Move Out Before We Move On With Our Relationship?
40 Answers
Hello all,
If you had the patience to read my previous post you will know the set up to my relationship.
Basically, I have had 'the' talk re where does my partner see our relationship going.
We live 45 mins apart, I and at 42 i have never been fortunate enough to get my foot on the housing ladder. He has. In fact pays his mortgage off in 7 years and loves his home. If I'm honest, I'm envious that he has been so successful, whereas I'm a single mum who is a nurse in a housing association property.
Anyway, there is a comprise in my mind.
I would like to purchase a property midway between his house and mine in the next 18 months (so that his daughter has a room as does mine, and both are able to stay at the same uni and school and we can stay in close proximity to our employment).
He, on the other hand says he can't do anything until his daughter decides to move out, which is likely to be 4-5 years!
She is 21 and doesn't work or drive, but attends uni and lives on her parents payouts. So realistically it could be longer. Therefore, I'd be approx 48yrs old before I could look to building a home with him, so I'm left hanging on.
I love him, he loves me, we've both made it clear we're committed to each other.
Am I being unreasonable to say, I don't want to wait 4-5 years before we even think about building a home?
Atm I feel I'm just hanging around waiting for his daughter to move out - which, let's be honest, she's living board free, not working, so she's unlikely to be saving for a home (she has a boyfriend of 2yrs who works, but it's not a well paid job).
I know he loves his home. I do mine (even though I don't own it).
But in my mind, it's bricks and mortar. I'd be giving up a lot to move in with him, and I sometimes think, he thinks because I don't own my property, it has less personal value. Which it doesn't.
I don't want it to come across that I'm not waiting for his daughter to move out, so he has to choose. I want him to know I'm including his daughter in our future plans, I'm just not happy at settling for 4-5 years before I build a home with him.
I'm struggling to live as a single parent with all of my outgoings. Financially, to live together and combine our incomes we could have a nice home, and I wouldn't be counting every penny.
I'm not a cow, but I'm worried it will come across that I'm selfish by wanting to have a future together sooner than he is prepared to give.
I am aware, I may have to walk away from this relationship. I don't think he anticipates this, as I knows I'm a soft touch who accepts most of his decisions.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this post, and especially so, if you are kind enough to answer.
Xx
If you had the patience to read my previous post you will know the set up to my relationship.
Basically, I have had 'the' talk re where does my partner see our relationship going.
We live 45 mins apart, I and at 42 i have never been fortunate enough to get my foot on the housing ladder. He has. In fact pays his mortgage off in 7 years and loves his home. If I'm honest, I'm envious that he has been so successful, whereas I'm a single mum who is a nurse in a housing association property.
Anyway, there is a comprise in my mind.
I would like to purchase a property midway between his house and mine in the next 18 months (so that his daughter has a room as does mine, and both are able to stay at the same uni and school and we can stay in close proximity to our employment).
He, on the other hand says he can't do anything until his daughter decides to move out, which is likely to be 4-5 years!
She is 21 and doesn't work or drive, but attends uni and lives on her parents payouts. So realistically it could be longer. Therefore, I'd be approx 48yrs old before I could look to building a home with him, so I'm left hanging on.
I love him, he loves me, we've both made it clear we're committed to each other.
Am I being unreasonable to say, I don't want to wait 4-5 years before we even think about building a home?
Atm I feel I'm just hanging around waiting for his daughter to move out - which, let's be honest, she's living board free, not working, so she's unlikely to be saving for a home (she has a boyfriend of 2yrs who works, but it's not a well paid job).
I know he loves his home. I do mine (even though I don't own it).
But in my mind, it's bricks and mortar. I'd be giving up a lot to move in with him, and I sometimes think, he thinks because I don't own my property, it has less personal value. Which it doesn't.
I don't want it to come across that I'm not waiting for his daughter to move out, so he has to choose. I want him to know I'm including his daughter in our future plans, I'm just not happy at settling for 4-5 years before I build a home with him.
I'm struggling to live as a single parent with all of my outgoings. Financially, to live together and combine our incomes we could have a nice home, and I wouldn't be counting every penny.
I'm not a cow, but I'm worried it will come across that I'm selfish by wanting to have a future together sooner than he is prepared to give.
I am aware, I may have to walk away from this relationship. I don't think he anticipates this, as I knows I'm a soft touch who accepts most of his decisions.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this post, and especially so, if you are kind enough to answer.
Xx
Answers
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Gosh, some of your answers are a little harsh, but I expected that. You have your viewpoint and I respect that.
I unfortunately can't move to him as he lives 40 mins away, so it would mean pulling my daughter out of school.
I too respect a man who puts his children first. I wouldn't be with him otherwise.
I certainly do not expect any financial support from him. I'm not that kind of woman.
We would downsize and I would make an equal contribution to a mortgage. As I'm a first time buyer I would get a discount (despite him being on the mortgage) and if he did want to contribute more, then I would ensure that should anything happen to us, he would get it all back. I've never fleeced a man in the past, and I've certainly been wronged enough to do so, but I've risen above it and walked away.
He is 50 next year, so perhaps you are right to assume he'll not want to get a mortgage again. If so, then that's that really.
I guess the whole point of my post was to find out if I would sound unreasonable if I was to propose such an idea. And it seems like I would be.
But just as he wishes to have security by paying into his mortgage, I too want something to leave behind, and I'm not going to have that if I remain in the relationship as it stands.
But above all, I have never known what it's like to come home to a partner and feel the warmth of a family. Even to come home and moan about a rubbish day to my partner appeals to me. It's probably my age
I unfortunately can't move to him as he lives 40 mins away, so it would mean pulling my daughter out of school.
I too respect a man who puts his children first. I wouldn't be with him otherwise.
I certainly do not expect any financial support from him. I'm not that kind of woman.
We would downsize and I would make an equal contribution to a mortgage. As I'm a first time buyer I would get a discount (despite him being on the mortgage) and if he did want to contribute more, then I would ensure that should anything happen to us, he would get it all back. I've never fleeced a man in the past, and I've certainly been wronged enough to do so, but I've risen above it and walked away.
He is 50 next year, so perhaps you are right to assume he'll not want to get a mortgage again. If so, then that's that really.
I guess the whole point of my post was to find out if I would sound unreasonable if I was to propose such an idea. And it seems like I would be.
But just as he wishes to have security by paying into his mortgage, I too want something to leave behind, and I'm not going to have that if I remain in the relationship as it stands.
But above all, I have never known what it's like to come home to a partner and feel the warmth of a family. Even to come home and moan about a rubbish day to my partner appeals to me. It's probably my age
Even homeowners have no guarantee that they will have anything to leave to their loved ones, Anne.
It's not the be all and end all, in my experience most children are much better off than their parents by the time they are in their middle age.
Have you even discussed getting a mortgage together? You state that you would be entitled to the first time buyer discount even though your boyfriend has already owned a property.
This seems to be incorrect: "Couples looking to buy their first home together need to be careful, too. As mentioned above, providing both of you haven't owned a home before you'll be fine, but if one of you has, then you will not be eligible."
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It's not the be all and end all, in my experience most children are much better off than their parents by the time they are in their middle age.
Have you even discussed getting a mortgage together? You state that you would be entitled to the first time buyer discount even though your boyfriend has already owned a property.
This seems to be incorrect: "Couples looking to buy their first home together need to be careful, too. As mentioned above, providing both of you haven't owned a home before you'll be fine, but if one of you has, then you will not be eligible."
https:/
Ahh thank you. That's very kind of you some of you (you know who you are).
You're right, I was a fool to assume every answer would be constructive.
I've looked into the scheme in my local area re first time buyers and I've also registered with it (my brother and his wife got their property through a local scheme even though he had owned a property in the past-but she hadn't).
I think maybe we place too much importance on owning a home in this country. It's almost as if you're not a success unless you've owned one at my age.
For me, its for two reasons. 1)to live together with a family sooner than 4-6 years 2) to feel I am investing in something rather than throwing rent away each month.
I won't take some individuals comments to heart - but thank you for the mature input people.
I think deep down, I know where this relationship is going. I was silly to assume it would be successful with our circumstances.
All I know is seeing him twice a week for the next 4,5 6 or more years isn't what I really want.
I will talk to him, but I'll never ask him to choose between his daughter and I, and I fear it may come across like that, so I think I'll let him lead the way in talks of our future.
Thank you for the good luck wishes.
Have a lovely weekend all. X
You're right, I was a fool to assume every answer would be constructive.
I've looked into the scheme in my local area re first time buyers and I've also registered with it (my brother and his wife got their property through a local scheme even though he had owned a property in the past-but she hadn't).
I think maybe we place too much importance on owning a home in this country. It's almost as if you're not a success unless you've owned one at my age.
For me, its for two reasons. 1)to live together with a family sooner than 4-6 years 2) to feel I am investing in something rather than throwing rent away each month.
I won't take some individuals comments to heart - but thank you for the mature input people.
I think deep down, I know where this relationship is going. I was silly to assume it would be successful with our circumstances.
All I know is seeing him twice a week for the next 4,5 6 or more years isn't what I really want.
I will talk to him, but I'll never ask him to choose between his daughter and I, and I fear it may come across like that, so I think I'll let him lead the way in talks of our future.
Thank you for the good luck wishes.
Have a lovely weekend all. X
Also you have to entertain the notion that he too would like to leave something to his children and after spending years paying off a mortgage it would be jarring to have to start again.
I agree with Gromit, I would forget about home ownership, I don't think its right for this man to have to sell the house he has worked for just to downsize and own half which could cause all sorts of disputes in the future with both families.
I agree with Gromit, I would forget about home ownership, I don't think its right for this man to have to sell the house he has worked for just to downsize and own half which could cause all sorts of disputes in the future with both families.
I haven't read the other answers yet, Anne. But of course there is nothing wrong with having your own needs and wants. The problem is, his daughter could be there for 20 years, or could move out next week, there is a lot of uncertainty.
Obviously, you need to tell your partner all this, but also, only you can decide how long you are prepared to "wait" for, if that is what it feels like. Decide yourself what you need, and be prepared to leave otherwise.
Obviously, you need to tell your partner all this, but also, only you can decide how long you are prepared to "wait" for, if that is what it feels like. Decide yourself what you need, and be prepared to leave otherwise.
I hope people would say I'm a nice person. I've been in a career for 23years where I care for others, for pretty low pay. But I wouldn't change my profession for the world. I love caring for others.
It won't be a one time posting - you have all taken the time to answer me, therfore it would be slightly selfish of me to not follow up this post with the outcome of 'our talk'. I appreciate some will not be interested.
I didn't have the opportunity to talk with him this weekend as I was spending time with his family.
I could discuss it with him on Wed, but I'm travelling to see my dad at the weekend who is fighting cancer, so I'm frightened on taking too much emotionally beforehand, as it's going to be a little tough without the added pressure of a relationship breakdown.
That said, I've backed off a little from my partner and our situation. It is like the elephant in the room (well certainly for me), and that's causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety, as truth be told I'm anticipating the break down of our relationship, and as like a few of you have mentioned, he is unlikely to want to give up his home, and it would be unfair to expect him to do so, and even though I would really wish for his daughter to live with us(and I mean that) , she may not want to, and I would never want him to live with any kind of guilt that he potentially was responsible for his daughter living with her mum full time.
All I know is to see my partner twice a week for the next 4-6 years (or even longer) is not what I want, I would like to think it would happen in the next 2 years, so, as much as I love him, it's really hurting me, so I think I will have to walk away and work on getting a property myself and building a future for my daughter and I, and build a future that way.
I've been a single mum for 12 years, so I know I can do it alone. I will be strong. I will update, but i understand that some of you will not be interested.
Thank you to all who have been so kind to me. Xx
It won't be a one time posting - you have all taken the time to answer me, therfore it would be slightly selfish of me to not follow up this post with the outcome of 'our talk'. I appreciate some will not be interested.
I didn't have the opportunity to talk with him this weekend as I was spending time with his family.
I could discuss it with him on Wed, but I'm travelling to see my dad at the weekend who is fighting cancer, so I'm frightened on taking too much emotionally beforehand, as it's going to be a little tough without the added pressure of a relationship breakdown.
That said, I've backed off a little from my partner and our situation. It is like the elephant in the room (well certainly for me), and that's causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety, as truth be told I'm anticipating the break down of our relationship, and as like a few of you have mentioned, he is unlikely to want to give up his home, and it would be unfair to expect him to do so, and even though I would really wish for his daughter to live with us(and I mean that) , she may not want to, and I would never want him to live with any kind of guilt that he potentially was responsible for his daughter living with her mum full time.
All I know is to see my partner twice a week for the next 4-6 years (or even longer) is not what I want, I would like to think it would happen in the next 2 years, so, as much as I love him, it's really hurting me, so I think I will have to walk away and work on getting a property myself and building a future for my daughter and I, and build a future that way.
I've been a single mum for 12 years, so I know I can do it alone. I will be strong. I will update, but i understand that some of you will not be interested.
Thank you to all who have been so kind to me. Xx
Hi people,
I'm sure most of you won't really be interested in this, but i promised an update and i am true to my word.
I took on board a lot of your opinions both negative and positive and mulled them over for some time.
I agree, it was unfair to expect him to want to move to a central location when I have so little to bring to the table.
If i'm honest, i've always felt a sense of inadequacy because of this ( I know we shouldn't measure ourselves on material assets-but it's hard not to sometimes).
In his defence he always reassured me on this front.... he loved me, and that was enough.
But what unfolded was something i never saw coming.
A few weeks ago, a message popped up on the front screen of his phone from his best friend (who knew my partner was with me at the time) that said, 'saw that girl lady who fancies you in the pub last night'
my partner had responded 'who?' then subsequently sent, 'send me a pic of her' followed by 'does she have a mortgage? lol' then 'and does she have a big bust, because you know that's my achilles'
(I only saw these messages as he was in the shower and they lit up on the front screen of his phone as i was doing my make up-so no, no snooping).
I felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach if i'm honest.
So yeah, that inadequacy that i was feeling- ROCKETED!
I told him to leave- and didn't see him for a while. We've since spoken, he's apologised, he loves me bla... but i can't shake the feeling that i am a bit of a joke (which is on me, i recognise that). However, I can't see this feeling disappearing quick, and it would be unfair to continue our relationship treading on egg shells.
He thinks 'my distance and low mood' are related to my father being ill, to a degree they are, but this episode has made me feel pants. His defence being that 'it was only said in jest'. My point being, love IS respect, and for him to joke about a situation he knew i felt ashamed of,was in poor taste, aside from the fact he requested pictures of another woman?!
I think i'm better off on my own, with my daughter- skint, but free from drama! haha
So there you go, i promised an update, and although it wasn't positive, it was what you deserved, as you had kindly taken the time to respond to me.
So thank you.
I'm sure most of you won't really be interested in this, but i promised an update and i am true to my word.
I took on board a lot of your opinions both negative and positive and mulled them over for some time.
I agree, it was unfair to expect him to want to move to a central location when I have so little to bring to the table.
If i'm honest, i've always felt a sense of inadequacy because of this ( I know we shouldn't measure ourselves on material assets-but it's hard not to sometimes).
In his defence he always reassured me on this front.... he loved me, and that was enough.
But what unfolded was something i never saw coming.
A few weeks ago, a message popped up on the front screen of his phone from his best friend (who knew my partner was with me at the time) that said, 'saw that girl lady who fancies you in the pub last night'
my partner had responded 'who?' then subsequently sent, 'send me a pic of her' followed by 'does she have a mortgage? lol' then 'and does she have a big bust, because you know that's my achilles'
(I only saw these messages as he was in the shower and they lit up on the front screen of his phone as i was doing my make up-so no, no snooping).
I felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach if i'm honest.
So yeah, that inadequacy that i was feeling- ROCKETED!
I told him to leave- and didn't see him for a while. We've since spoken, he's apologised, he loves me bla... but i can't shake the feeling that i am a bit of a joke (which is on me, i recognise that). However, I can't see this feeling disappearing quick, and it would be unfair to continue our relationship treading on egg shells.
He thinks 'my distance and low mood' are related to my father being ill, to a degree they are, but this episode has made me feel pants. His defence being that 'it was only said in jest'. My point being, love IS respect, and for him to joke about a situation he knew i felt ashamed of,was in poor taste, aside from the fact he requested pictures of another woman?!
I think i'm better off on my own, with my daughter- skint, but free from drama! haha
So there you go, i promised an update, and although it wasn't positive, it was what you deserved, as you had kindly taken the time to respond to me.
So thank you.
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