feel like i doon't want to be in my relationship

[TERRYLYNN]

been with my partner for 2 and half years now. recently i jokingly said 'lets get engaged' his response blew me away! it felt like he ripped my heart out and trampled al over it. not what i was looking for. reaching forty this week and have been a single mum of 3 for the last 8 years. met this one and everything pointed to us being together forever, but now after this i wonder what i'm doing. feel really distanced from him now

[originalspa]

What exactly was his reaction?

If you love him and you've been with him as long as you have, you need to sit down and have a chat to see where he sees the relationship going and what he expects from the future.

If there wasn't a problem before and you're distancing yourself because of his reaction, that's really not going to help matters I'm afraid! You need to talk to him. Maybe he's had a bad marriage/ experience before?

Alot of people stay together for a long time without getting married.

Good luck and stay strong!

[TERRYLYNN]

Hi thanks. There was no problem before, he is very emotionaly witheld and it takes quite alot for him to show his feelings, me on the other hand am very emotional. His job s abit of a bug bear, he works long hours and at the moment it is the shootig season so it involves alot of long hours. i don't resent his job i resent the fact that he seems to have no real family comitment. He never seems to have any family time. He does live with us officially! he has his house where he showers, checks his emails and changs his clothes! I JUST KNOW that i was so madly in love with hime before this and now I'm cold. He has been married before and yes he has said that he'll never marry again, but i just want to fel like i belong to him in some way other than someone he shares his bed with.

[originalspa]

He likes his own space!!

Why do you feel like you need to belong to him in some way?

I've been with my partner for the last 5 years and both of us are commited to each other without the need for rings but we do talk and go out regularly. Maybe you need to spend more quality time together?

I still think you need to sit down and have a frank chat though as he's probably unaware of all this unless you tell him how you really feel.

Good luck!

[mullein3]

In relationships things develop, good, bad and indifferent. You have your idea of what you want, I suspect your partner has an opposite idea to what you have. The fact that he has not fully committed himself to you and still has another address tells me that.
What you need to find out is what do you want?. He works, he contributes to your home and life style, he shares your bed and must be good company to a point. Are you happy to stay like this suspecting that he will nevere truly commit to you and could one day walk out on you, or do you realise that you want someone to commit to you for the rest of your life, that special person thats makes you feel lovely and warm inside and who does want to commit to you, live with you in your house and grow old together.
It's your life, you choose what you want. But choices have consequences.

[WendyS]

I suspect that you both need the companionship of your relationship but in reality really need totally different things apart from this. You want emotional warmth and commitment after the failure of a previous relationship. He wants his emotional space and definitely doesn't want long term commitment. So maybe your casual suggestion to get engaged has exposed a major fault line in your relationship which has been lurking beneath the surface for a long while and you need to ask yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life (partially) living with somebody who will never totally emotionally commit to you. That is a very scaring prospect which will probably continue to gnaw away at you as the years pass and you lose the chance to make a permanent life with somebody who is prepared to be 100% commited. It's a hard dilemma for you but now you know how he really feels, don't ignore it and hope things will change. They quite possibly will not.

[Amiira]

Can sympathise with you on this one TERRYLYNN. Cant advise sorry, as I have posted similar question. But I feel like I have wasted years in a relationship that obviously to him has no future.

Decide what YOU want. Its what I am now going to do. Life is too short.

[joko]

from what you have said, your "jokingly" suggestion to get engaged was highly loaded and probably comes off more like nagging - if it was a joke why are you so astounded that you didn't get the "response you wanted"?
what did you expect from a "joke"?

I think you need to be honest with yourself and him - pretending it was a joke (you still haven't actually told us what his response was...?) meant he probably responded back in the same 'non-serious' way.

the fact that you say he 'officially' lives with you, but he actually does most things at his house, says a lot.

it sounds like he feels you have tried to map out his future for him (2 years is not actually that long) and he has not liked this.

he is not committed to you in the way you want him to be - sit him down and tell him straight what you want and expect from this relationship - no 'jokes' - and if he can't or won't accept this then its time to move on.