My Mum

[Bowieblue]

Just wondering if anyone on here has had similar experiences to me with their mother. I'm 50 she is 79. I'm finding she undermines my confidence by not trusting my judgement. I am an ony child and understand about being 'over protected' which I think I was when I was a lot younger. I've been married, divorced, two children, long term relationship that didn't work - now in another relationship, but my Mum doesn't seem to want to support me, just throws negative comments and pushes me to distrust everyone I meet. She can be very kind and I love her very much but I feel I don't want to discuss or tell her anything anymore, not that I've ever confided in her about everything because she is very disapproving of some things. Sorry to ramble. Has anyone else got through this and come out the other end? or is it just a different generation thing.

[raysparx1]

Bowieblue, Reading your question I really think your mum is frightened of you getting into a relationship and being left all on her own, if she puts you off of other people she can keep you all to herself, she is getting old and is feeling vunerable I would just ignore the negative comments as if I hadn't heard them, she doesn't mean anything by it, I might be completely wrong but that is how I read it, good luck, Ray

[noxlumos]

For the record, sounds as if Ray is 100% on the money. She loves you and is scared of losing you so try and bear that in mind.I don't think there's any malice there intentionallly.

[lady_p_gold]

Well I don't know who said 'your parents screw you up and then they die' but it is very apt! It could be that she is protecting you from being hurt if you have gone through the mill with your divorce, although I suspect the latter answers are probably more true. The fact that she has the ability to undermine your condfidence may indicate that you still have some issues about your own worth ..... best thing is just to put her to the side, listen but don't take it to heart, and just rely on your own judgement. You don't have to confide in her, just stick to everyday things and if she starts asking just make it clear you are not willing to go there.

[Eve]

I've had all kinds of issues with my mum and over time i came to realise that, as it making me bitter and angry towards her, I just had to accept her as she was and make the best of the good things that I could have with her.

It can be hard sometimes and there's a lot of tongue biting from me going on but it's much better than what is was.

She knows very little about my lovelife and I like to keep it that way.

[Le Chat]

Only tell her what she absolutely needs to know and have the confidence to trust your own judgement. I find saying to my mother the following ..." I hear what you're saying and I'm thankful for your input, however I wont substitute my own opinion for yours on this occasion - but next time, who knows!!"

[Carakeel]

Bowieblue, I have been in a situation much the same as yours. I was married twice. My first husband was a bully and control freak and my parents hated him for what he did to me. After 10 years I couldn't endure the mental and physical pain any more, took my three young children and left. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
My second husband was a lovely man and my mum was terribly fond of him. Unfortunately things suddenly went pear-shaped when I was diagnosed with bone cancer. The day I told him, my husband left me with the words "I love you too much to watch you die". I realised then that we had very different views on what love is. Anyway, I went through my cancer without his support, then through my oldest son's cancer and death - again without the support of a loving partner. I cannot describe just how hard these times were for us. After my second husband left, I stayed on my own for 20 years. For the best part of about 15 years my Mum, now 90, has lived with me and had me to herself. I had no intention of dating or ever entering into a relationship again. I was perfectly happy on my own and Mum and I got along beautifully.
Then one day I was approached by someone interested in art. We met purely as friends though, me being an artist. Little did I know that I had just met the most kind, loving and generous hearted man on this planet, who would dispel all my past fears, incl. my distrust of men and give me back my self-esteem as a woman. My mum, while always saying I needed to find someone who would take me out occasionally, felt quite threatened by this new entity into our lives ... this man. ... continued ...

[Carakeel]

... continued ... At first she liked the fact he was visiting. When she realised he was here every weekend, she started to worry. When she realised he had tattoos, she was really, really worried. God only knows what she would have said about the piercings! He was so not clean cut like my darling father, the only man Mum ever loved. In the end she admitted that she was afraid I would get hurt again, as in the past my choice of men had not been great. The fact that over 20 years had gone by since then didn't count for much in her eyes. At 55 I was still her little girl and she didn't trust my judgement at all! My years alone and the traumas I had been through had enabled me to re- evaluate myself and find out what it is I wanted from life. I was never going to actively look for a partner again, nor was I ever going to let anyone into my life who would change the balanced, happy and loving feeling within my home. But here he was, this man who had found me amongst my paintings. Since the day we met, 22 months ago, we have only spent one weekend apart. We have lived together for the past 15 months and have never had cross words with each other. He is as easy-going and patient as I am, treats me and my darling Mum with total respect and is the most loving, caring person I have ever come across. My Mum, although so reluctant at first, now loves him to bits and this morning even compared him to my father, a man of great integrity, compassion and generosity of heart! Perhaps the fact that my partner has always respected her space, her values, and her way of life and has never tried to change us or the way we live, is the clue to her happiness. He let her allow him into her life at a pace she could accept and now she is so proud of him and intensely happy that we are together. So you see Bowieblue, it can all go right, if you are respectful, loving, don�t let your Mum feel left out and are with the right man. Good luck, I really hope you can find the balance and be happy.