Jealousy

[Cymbeline]

My jealousy is ruining my relationship. I wish I could just bite my tongue whenever I feel it start to niggle but I cannot and I know that I will drive my boyfriend away if I don't change. Can anyone please offer some practical advice on combating the evil green eyed monster?

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, firstly you have to understand in yourself whats making you jealous. Does he do certain things to make you paranoid? Write down what he does to make you feel like this and then have a good chat with him and tell him you feel like you do because of these things. Hopefully if he likes you enough he will work with you to overcome some parts of your jealousy.
Your never gonna be cured fully, and its good to be jealous sometimes. it shows the other partner that you care about them. Like i say, hopefully he will sense this and help you...

[boro1986]

Yes stop been such a bunny boiler. I once was seeing a girl like u hence i ended it after not very long

[PinkFizz]

Hi cymbeline.I know exactly what you mean. I have always been a terribly jealous person - I am not quite sure why.I was pretty bad with my current partner when we first met even though I tried hard to disguise it,and in the end one day he just snapped and said if I didnt pack it in he would leave!!

So as hard as it is I have controlled it ever since. It's not easy but it can be done.x

[Cymbeline]

Thanks PinkFizz, I really appreciate your understanding. Obviously I know it is my problem, I think I made that clear in my question so a response like boro1986 was pretty mean but hey..I guess he's lucky enough not to have experienced such a thing and I hope he never does. Can I ask how exactly you control it? Is it a case of counting to ten before you open your mouth??

[PinkFizz]

Well he has never ever given me cause to be jealous,but for some bizarre reason I was. I used to be paranoid coz he used to get changed into 'decent' clother to do the shopping on the odd time he went instead for me. In the end I had to decide - if I carry on looking for things then he will either leave me or have an affair.So I either bite my tongue totally,think twice ,even 3 times before I say anything If I really feel I have to,but more often than not I make a joke out of things. The more you question the more he will get wound up so I soon foound that if I DIDNT ask how his day was,who he had lunch with etc,he would voluntarily tell me himself.

[WendyS]

I was once in a jealous possessive relationship and felt totally strangled by it. When I finally had the sense to break free it felt like walking out of prison, so yes, if you can't change, you may kill your relationship. But the important thing is to understand why you feel as you do. Are you low in self confidence? Do you feel insecure and not value yourself for what you are, only being able to see yourself as an appendage in somebody else's life? Perhaps if you could value yourself a little more in your own right you would not feel the need to cling to somebody else quite so strongly. Are you frightened of being alone? If your boyfriend flirts all the time with other women, perhaps your emotions are understandable, in which case, maybe it's the boyfriend who is the problem. But if you can try and get used to giving him a little space and trusting him, perhaps you will slowly feel more confident in the relationship knowing he won't let you down. If you don't trust him, then perhaps it's time to make the break. I suspect that if you feel truly safe and confident in somebody's company, you would not need to feel jealous or possessive.

[Cymbeline]

WendyS - I can answer yes to all your questions and that is why I know I have to change. However it is not as simple as that. I found out last year that he had told two huge lies about his past, neither of which were to do with infidelity but since I wasn't a jealous person before this revelation I suspect it is because I don't trust him at all that I am now so suspicious. He doesn't flirt with other women and I know he loves me absolutely but since I have become jealous and fly into rages he hides things from me like another woman's interest in him, for example, and it is the deceit which leads me to suspicion and mistrust. We have talked and tried to put the past behind us but I don't know how to start trusting him again or if it is possible. Thank you for your wise words though, they have made me think that perhaps love isn't enough once the trust is gone.

[PinkFizz]

Cymbeline - how wierd - my partner also told me a couple of stupid lies overy daft things.I did tell him that I could not cope with a liar in a general conversation one day,and we are fine,infact very good now.

[Cymbeline]

Dear PinkFizz, perhaps it is not my jealousy that is the problem then, perhaps that is just a symptom of the lies. That would make sense. I am reassured that you managed to find happiness though. I think in my case his wrongs have been clouded by my jealousy and now I am the one to blame. Groan! Will the misery ever end?

[suzi-q]

Why did he lie? Was it to cover up insecurities of his own. In other words, can you find it in you to understand why he lied and forgive him - after all we are all human and we have things we would rather someone who loves us doesnt know about. If you can forgive him his silly lapse and he can help you with your very human jealous emotions maybe you can come to a new understanding.

I totally understand jealousy and insecurity in a relationship. I totally adore my husband and get wound up at the very mention of one of his ex'es name. No sensible reason I suppose - I just get knotted up inside. He's never done anything to make me feel like this. Its just me.

You have to decide if his lies were a forgiveable human lapse that you can understand and overcome or something you will never get over.

Men eh? Who'd av em?

[Cymbeline]

Dear Suzi-q. Thanks for your answer. His lies were part of his insecurities-yes and something I chose to forgive and move on from. I suppose that what I didn't expect was to be so affected by it. But since I made the decision to forgive and forget I guess I have to do it wholeheartedly. I know we all feel jealous sometimes and I'm sure he does too. Men are just better at dealing with these things!

[Amber1571]

Hi, I think WendyS is spot on. I am an extremely jealous and insecure person - to the degree that I make myself ill, but still I do not learn. As hard as I try to 'bite my tongue' or 'make a joke of it' it just eats me up inside until I say something, which is not a statement or question but more of an accusation which leads to rows, etc., etc. My boyfriend has never given me any reason to doubt him, I have always been like this, in past relationships too, which have ended because of my jealousy, but try as I might, I cannot curb it. I really want to, like I said I make myself ill with worry - worry over nothing. Its a side of me which I detest (and my backside too!). If you have any ideas to curb me, I would be grateful too!! Cymbeline, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. x

[PinkFizz]

Cymberline(and others) if you ever want to chat on msn then my add is :

[email protected]

xx

[Cymbeline]

Thanks Amber1571 and I know exactly what you mean!! I try so hard to not say anything but you know how you get those knots in your stomach and you feel sick and shaky and before you know it you are accusing them and hating yourself for doing it! The thing is...and this is my rationale although it counts for nothing when I'm mid rant, if they are capable of lying they will just to stop us going crazy, if they want to cheat they will whether we rant or not and probably are more likely because we have driven them to it so it's lose lose for us as the jealous ones. Not to mention the madness and sickness we create for ourselves. But knowing all that doesn't stop it, does it? There's got to be a self help book or something?!xx

[lizzydrippin]

Its very much a vicious circle. The partner who's the jealous one originally feels that way because they may have been hurt in the past or betrayed in some way by someone they were close to once. They may have simply grown up with low self esteem and they find it hard to believe that another person finds them desirable and attractive. So they automatically think their partner will eventually run off with someone else. They'll be constantly looking for signs of cheating. The partner feels hurt (or annoyed even) that he's been unjustly accused, so next time he bumps into a girl he used to work with he thinks better of mentioning cos he knows he'll get the first degree
He keeps quiet about it. Jealous patner happens to hear about it from another source and immediately thinks the worst because she wasnt told about it by him. Fireworks........accusations........ and it goes on and on till the relationship is ruined.
I was a very jealous person when I was younger but with hindsight you always know deep in your heart whether you can trust someone or not. When that person comes along your jealousy will after a time , just fade away.

[bounce]

From my experience, I have had a known something bout their past I was a bit surprised, I didnt stay long after that. I maybe wrong but if you are surprised by this news maybe best to walk away as you are two are too different. I know most or all people have some kind of hidden thing they like to keep to themselves but if you are bit shocked or surprised by it, its not usually a good thing. If you can fully move on by this news good for you :)

Does anyone agree?