ChatterBank1 min ago
bullied?
27 Answers
I feel bullied into having sex with my b/f whenever he wants it. He goes all moody if i don't feel like it and it has got so bad over the last few years, that i only really have sex to avoid an argument. I dont think i have a particularly low sex drive, twice a week is more than enough for me. When this happens, because i have to admit, its not every week due to circumstances, although even if we dont have full sex, we do other things,it' s not enough for him and he's always saying that we never have sex, making so much more of an issue of it than it actually is. I dont associate sex with love anymore but with arguments.To me the whole things makes me feel bitter and like its a chore.I feel so sad and this has put so much pressure on our releationship. I do love him but to me, its not the be all and end all of everything. What can we do when we have differing sex drives, Is there anything or do i have to just put up with it?
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You certainly do NOT have to put up with it!
the fact that an aspect of your relationship ddesigned to experience closeness and love is becoming a worry and a chore to you, and completed under duress, shows a serious problem in your relationship.
If you sit down and talk this over with your boyfriend, maybe you can resolve it. Explain exactly how you feel, that you feel pressured and almost bullied by his attitude, and point out that it shows a lack of consideration for your feelings, and indeed for you as a woman.
Try and have your discussion in a public place - over a meal is good, it stops trempers getting frayed and voices being raised.
If your boyfriend can't or won;t see your point of view, you need to ask yourself if he loves ytou anything like as deply as you love him, and whether this is what you want of of a loving relationship.
It's always worth working at issues like this, but be prepared for the fact that your attitudes to se, and love, are too different for you to be able to be together.
Good luck.
the fact that an aspect of your relationship ddesigned to experience closeness and love is becoming a worry and a chore to you, and completed under duress, shows a serious problem in your relationship.
If you sit down and talk this over with your boyfriend, maybe you can resolve it. Explain exactly how you feel, that you feel pressured and almost bullied by his attitude, and point out that it shows a lack of consideration for your feelings, and indeed for you as a woman.
Try and have your discussion in a public place - over a meal is good, it stops trempers getting frayed and voices being raised.
If your boyfriend can't or won;t see your point of view, you need to ask yourself if he loves ytou anything like as deply as you love him, and whether this is what you want of of a loving relationship.
It's always worth working at issues like this, but be prepared for the fact that your attitudes to se, and love, are too different for you to be able to be together.
Good luck.
Hmmm, personally i think you should just split up. unless you dont mind him sleeping around. If one person has a higher sex drive than the other, then it doesnt work normally.
I dont see there being anything wrong in him wanting sex from you, as you are supposed to be his partner. I know you say you only have sex just to keep him quiet, but maybe you should look at it from his point of view.
Having sex is part of a relationship, and maybe thats part of what kept you together all this time. If you suddenly change, then surely he will fall out of love with you.
The things you should be looking at are why have you gone off sex, and why you feel the need to just have sex for 'a bit of peace'.
I dont see there being anything wrong in him wanting sex from you, as you are supposed to be his partner. I know you say you only have sex just to keep him quiet, but maybe you should look at it from his point of view.
Having sex is part of a relationship, and maybe thats part of what kept you together all this time. If you suddenly change, then surely he will fall out of love with you.
The things you should be looking at are why have you gone off sex, and why you feel the need to just have sex for 'a bit of peace'.
Hi - I was in this position for years. Sex becomes a resented chore rather than something you do out of love and desire. In my case it was because my husband was so moody and foul so often that I just didnt want to have sex with him and I couldnt just forget the horrible behaviour at bed time. So then he got snotty and another week was crap. He used to sulk and ignore me for days. Then he "allow" me to make him dinner or something when he decided to forgive me. How the hell did I put up with that??? Thankfully we are now divorced!!!!
The more you feel like this the less you feel like sex. Its really a vicious circle.
Unless you can come to some arrangement that you are both happy with regarding frequency of sex then I think it will continue to be a problem.
Is he a good man in other ways? Or do you resent other things in your relationship. Is sex a bit of a power struggle where withholding it is the only way you feel you have some control?
The more you feel like this the less you feel like sex. Its really a vicious circle.
Unless you can come to some arrangement that you are both happy with regarding frequency of sex then I think it will continue to be a problem.
Is he a good man in other ways? Or do you resent other things in your relationship. Is sex a bit of a power struggle where withholding it is the only way you feel you have some control?
thank you all for your answers. I do appreciate them all.
We have kids so splitting up is not really an option at this time.Its not that i have gone off sex, its just that i dont need it as regularly as him and I resent being made to feel like dirt if im not in the mood. He doesnt go short but always wants more and more. I always say to him if we had sex 7 days a week, it still wouldnt be enough. Its the moods when it doesnt happen that get me down so much.
Suzy-q you are so right about the vicious circle. That is exactly how it is unfortunately. He is a good man in many other ways but this subject just seems to get in the way of us being happy, this is why i feel so bullied on this issue, i want sex to be a happy and enjoyable thing again..
We have kids so splitting up is not really an option at this time.Its not that i have gone off sex, its just that i dont need it as regularly as him and I resent being made to feel like dirt if im not in the mood. He doesnt go short but always wants more and more. I always say to him if we had sex 7 days a week, it still wouldnt be enough. Its the moods when it doesnt happen that get me down so much.
Suzy-q you are so right about the vicious circle. That is exactly how it is unfortunately. He is a good man in many other ways but this subject just seems to get in the way of us being happy, this is why i feel so bullied on this issue, i want sex to be a happy and enjoyable thing again..
Totally agree with andy and see what MrB is trying to put across, however (no dig at MrBen) it is annoying when women are always seen as the ones having the problem when it comes to sexual issues in a relationship - yes there is obviously a root to the woman not wanting sex 10 times a week, but there are also too few blokes out there that appreciate they're the ones who are causing the woman to go off sex in the first place sometimes! (of course this is not correctin all circumstances...) Good luck pigsmightfly :)
MrBen 5 - no there is nothing wrong with pigsmightfly's partner wanting to have sex with her - what is very wrong is his behavious if it is not forthcoming.
Sex as part of a loving relationship is wonderful - it is not a partner's by right to take as they wish, and sulk if they are denied it - that is imature selfish destructive behaviour.
Why should pigsmightfly have to put up with the notion of her partner sleeping around? We are talking sex not oxygen - no-one HAS to have it and go elsewhere if it not forthcoming at home. If her partner can't tlk over the issue as a mature adult with the woman he lovves, then she would be better off without him, and so would her children. This destructive poisonous atmosphere whihc he creating with his Neanderthal attitudes is no good for anyone.
He should learn to grow up, think outside his own desires and put someone else first for a change - or if he wants to be a pig-headed selfish chauvenist, he can do it on his own, and have the pick of any likeminded women oht there - which hurts no-one.
Sex as part of a loving relationship is wonderful - it is not a partner's by right to take as they wish, and sulk if they are denied it - that is imature selfish destructive behaviour.
Why should pigsmightfly have to put up with the notion of her partner sleeping around? We are talking sex not oxygen - no-one HAS to have it and go elsewhere if it not forthcoming at home. If her partner can't tlk over the issue as a mature adult with the woman he lovves, then she would be better off without him, and so would her children. This destructive poisonous atmosphere whihc he creating with his Neanderthal attitudes is no good for anyone.
He should learn to grow up, think outside his own desires and put someone else first for a change - or if he wants to be a pig-headed selfish chauvenist, he can do it on his own, and have the pick of any likeminded women oht there - which hurts no-one.
Hmmm, i totally agree with you andy-hughes. Sex is good as part of a relationship. It shouldnt be denied just because the other doesnt feel like it. Obviously he is going to sulk if he doesnt get it as his sex drive will be high. All i am saying is i can understand why he wants it. I dont know what pigsmightfly looks like, but i am guessing she is goodlooking, which is one of the reasons her husband must want it so much.
I disagree that she and her kids would be better off without him, as kids need a mum and dad.And it would be pretty petty just to split over something so trivial. I dont think he is being pigheaded, i just believe he is normal. Every guy wants (and needs) sex.
Judging by your strong opinions i guess you dont have a partner and are a little miffed that she likes this guy so much, as to want to sort it out. in some way in the back of your mind you long for her to be with you. You seem like a very jealous and domineering person, which is much worse than this guy just sulking when he doesnt get things his way (which is what all us guys do)...
I disagree that she and her kids would be better off without him, as kids need a mum and dad.And it would be pretty petty just to split over something so trivial. I dont think he is being pigheaded, i just believe he is normal. Every guy wants (and needs) sex.
Judging by your strong opinions i guess you dont have a partner and are a little miffed that she likes this guy so much, as to want to sort it out. in some way in the back of your mind you long for her to be with you. You seem like a very jealous and domineering person, which is much worse than this guy just sulking when he doesnt get things his way (which is what all us guys do)...
Actually MrB i think that Andy is showing a lot of respect to pigsmightfly and others out there. You do not 'NEED' sex, and as much as some men believe they will die without it, they won't. "It shouldn't be denied just because the other doesn't feel like it"? I don't know about you, but as far as i am concerned sex involves two people, two peoples feelings and two people who respect each others wishes.
Hello again MrBen5.
We will just have to agree to differ on our attitudes to sex in a relationship. I would certainly never dream of trying to instigate sex if my partner didn;t want it - it would be of no pleasure what ever to me to simply use her as some sort of living sex aid - but as I say, we must agree to differ.
I do have a partner - I have been married for twenty years.
I have no resentment regarding this situation whatever, and, as any regulars on the AB will testify, I am certainly not domineering, I have no desire for pigsmightfly to be with me, I don't know the lady at all, and I for one, do not sulk when I don't get my own way.
Finally, you refer to this issue as 'trivial' - I'll think if you re-read the initial post, you'll find that pigsmightfly doesn't entirely agree with you on that view.
We will just have to agree to differ on our attitudes to sex in a relationship. I would certainly never dream of trying to instigate sex if my partner didn;t want it - it would be of no pleasure what ever to me to simply use her as some sort of living sex aid - but as I say, we must agree to differ.
I do have a partner - I have been married for twenty years.
I have no resentment regarding this situation whatever, and, as any regulars on the AB will testify, I am certainly not domineering, I have no desire for pigsmightfly to be with me, I don't know the lady at all, and I for one, do not sulk when I don't get my own way.
Finally, you refer to this issue as 'trivial' - I'll think if you re-read the initial post, you'll find that pigsmightfly doesn't entirely agree with you on that view.
This wasnt intended to cause any arguments guys. Mr Ben, i can see, slightly, where you are coming from but i dont think sex twice a week is really denying him is it? This is why i get upset, because he gets sex, but always, always wants more. That is the whole problem. I like sex and i dont have a problem with it. I have a problem with his moods if he doesnt get what he wants. That isnt hard to understand is it? I feel like im dealing with a spoilt child. I get him saying i dont love him and cant bear him near me. so you see, it is a major problem. I would say that is him wanting a certain amount of control and bulllying me into giving in. He blames me when it doesnt happen even if circumstance dictate it doesnt , i.e, small children, work etc.....
andy, thank you for your advice. As always, it is good, strong advice. I am a regular ab member but due to the nature of my question, i wanted to remain anonymous. Thank you for understanding that this issue is not trivial. It rules our lives and has done for about the past 8 years. Not trivial at all. All he continues to do is put me off sex. Sometimes just when i think we're back on track with it, he starts another argument because he cant get his own way and there it goes again.
LostStar, you understand so totally and i am grateful for you putting your point across. Its reassuring to know im not the only one who puts up with this sort of thing. Many many thanks.
andy, thank you for your advice. As always, it is good, strong advice. I am a regular ab member but due to the nature of my question, i wanted to remain anonymous. Thank you for understanding that this issue is not trivial. It rules our lives and has done for about the past 8 years. Not trivial at all. All he continues to do is put me off sex. Sometimes just when i think we're back on track with it, he starts another argument because he cant get his own way and there it goes again.
LostStar, you understand so totally and i am grateful for you putting your point across. Its reassuring to know im not the only one who puts up with this sort of thing. Many many thanks.
Sorry guys, i suppose i am misunderstanding the Q's and answers. i apologise also andy for the comments about you being unmarried and domineering.Definately not arguing though pigsmightfly, just difference of opinions :)
I still dont understand though why you feel he is being childish for going into a mood because he cant have sex. Sex drives for men are completely different than womens. (despite all the comments about guys not needing it). His sex drive wont change overnight. you have to come to terms that he needs it a lot more than you. there are only a few things you can do to overcome this.
1. Let him have sex with other women (this will cure his moods)
2. Give him other kinds of pleasure.(need i say more)
3. Split up and go your seperate ways.(of which will happen anyway if things carry on, as he will no doubt 'get it' elsewhere).
Like you say, relationships are a 2 way thing and you have to give and take. He is going through hell by not getting the satisfaction he wants off you and you are going through hell when he goes all moody.
Sorry if it does sound a bit harsh and trivial, but it is a trivial problem that can be resolved easily...
I still dont understand though why you feel he is being childish for going into a mood because he cant have sex. Sex drives for men are completely different than womens. (despite all the comments about guys not needing it). His sex drive wont change overnight. you have to come to terms that he needs it a lot more than you. there are only a few things you can do to overcome this.
1. Let him have sex with other women (this will cure his moods)
2. Give him other kinds of pleasure.(need i say more)
3. Split up and go your seperate ways.(of which will happen anyway if things carry on, as he will no doubt 'get it' elsewhere).
Like you say, relationships are a 2 way thing and you have to give and take. He is going through hell by not getting the satisfaction he wants off you and you are going through hell when he goes all moody.
Sorry if it does sound a bit harsh and trivial, but it is a trivial problem that can be resolved easily...
Right MrBen, let me explain, despite his moods, my b/f loves me dearly and i am in no doubt whatsoever that he would not want to have sex with anyone else. Secondly, im glad you dont think going into a strop when you dont get what you want at the age of 40, isnt childish. I beg to differ, He throws himself round the bed, shoves the covers between us and and wont speak to me if he didnt get it! thirdly, why oh why is it always the womans place to give into demands, no matter how unreasonable?. Why shouldnt he do what i want, why is he the one who has to get his own way! Where's the give and take on his part that you are proclaiming is so important in a relationship? Equality isnt all its cracked up to be is it?
Hmmm, but have you actually told him what you do want, or are you just telling him what you dont want? Its easy to blame a guy for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. What is he like if he does get it? is he a better person? If so, then isnt it worth giving him what he wants to see his better side?
The majority of guys will sulk if they dont get what they want. Just like the majority of women sulk if they dont get something bought for them every few weeks. The equality is you do what you need to do to make each other happy. If giving into him makes him happy, then why not give in to him? I dont understand. Does he not do things with you that make him unhappy, or is all a one way thing and its actually you who is the spoilt child?
The majority of guys will sulk if they dont get what they want. Just like the majority of women sulk if they dont get something bought for them every few weeks. The equality is you do what you need to do to make each other happy. If giving into him makes him happy, then why not give in to him? I dont understand. Does he not do things with you that make him unhappy, or is all a one way thing and its actually you who is the spoilt child?
I think whether or not people 'sulk' is to do with the person not actually seeing the other persons side of things - maybe they don't want to admit they are in the wrong, maybe they are self-centred, but there is no excuse for behaving like a spoilt child because they are not getting any nooky - it just shows how arrogant they are. I agree, there are some materialistic people out there, as much as there are men who think that flashing their money around is going to make every girl fall at their feet. But i think you will find it's the majority of women would actually prefer someone who cares enough about them to consider their feelings, values, by showing respect, rather than getting a new pair of shoes (which by the way, many women are NOT obsessed about, i hate the shoes and handbag stigma.)
Pigsmightfly, it sounds like your man is take, take taking. I think out of the general population, having sex 1-3 times a week in a relationship would be totally normal and some people probably don't get that!
And MrB, if a bloke is 'sulking' because he is not getting enough sex and thus, goes elsewhere, then i don't think it is an issue about sex-drive, it's a commitment issue.
Pigsmightfly, it sounds like your man is take, take taking. I think out of the general population, having sex 1-3 times a week in a relationship would be totally normal and some people probably don't get that!
And MrB, if a bloke is 'sulking' because he is not getting enough sex and thus, goes elsewhere, then i don't think it is an issue about sex-drive, it's a commitment issue.
I give up! You are obviously a mans man who think women should open their legs as and when their man demands, regardless of family situations, kids, work anything else getting in the way. It is after all his God given right to have what he wants. Can i just add also, that i am a woman, a human being with feelings, not just a lump of meat there to satisfy a mans sexual demands and be emotionally punished when i don't. I am in no way spoilt and i don't get presents every few weeks and don't expect them and as far as i know, i don't make him do anything he is unhappy with. I have more respect than that. Thanks for your opinion anyway, i guess just being told to do as he wants as and when wasn't the advice i was after. .
Hmmm, hold on a minute little miss pigsmightfly. i never said women should just open their legs to just any man. Dont give up tho , its just my opinion. I am just saying i understand why he gets moody. I only know what you have said. Obviously there must be other issues surrounding the circumstances. I am merely saying that in a relationship you have to do things that make you unhappy sometimes. (It shouldnt be all the time, but the odd occasion). I know you dont want to hear what i am saying but you need to look at it from his point of view too.
I am not saying a guy will go elsewhere, but that is one of the main reasons for it. Surely your not naive enough to think that a guy should accept that he is just gonna forget about sex?
I do sympathise with you pigsmightfly, but like i said earlier, i understand why he gets moody. Obviously its childish, but come on, can you name any guys who arent childish? The majority of women are more mentally mature than guys. He might be 40, but mentally he is probably still 25. Have you tried sitting down and having a proper chat with him, when there is just you 2, with no distractions? Try it, if you havent, as it does wonders...
I am not saying a guy will go elsewhere, but that is one of the main reasons for it. Surely your not naive enough to think that a guy should accept that he is just gonna forget about sex?
I do sympathise with you pigsmightfly, but like i said earlier, i understand why he gets moody. Obviously its childish, but come on, can you name any guys who arent childish? The majority of women are more mentally mature than guys. He might be 40, but mentally he is probably still 25. Have you tried sitting down and having a proper chat with him, when there is just you 2, with no distractions? Try it, if you havent, as it does wonders...
