Can a marriage survive an affair?

[The Tiggster]

Sorry for the length of this question -
Been married for 4 years tomorrow (Thursday) have a 14 month old son & just found out yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for 18 months (since I was 6mths pregnant). Absolutely gutted, not slept or eaten since Monday night and don't know what to do.

On top of that I have been getting treated for postnatal depression & had an ovarian tumour (benign) removed in November. Reading all that I'm wondering why i am still letting him be in the same house as me.

He says he loves me & our son & was silly to get caught up in the excitement of another woman. He says he does love her, but finished the relationship last night & wants us to make a go of it. I asked why he didn't finish it before I found out (saw a text on his phone) & he said he didn't want to hurt her.

I don't know what to do, I am gutted & feel like my & my son's life is a lie. If this had happened before I had my son I wouldn't think twice about separating from him, but at the end of the day he is a very kind & loving man, even though he has been having this affair, and I can't see my life without him & still deeply love him, as up until yesterday I thought he was my soul mate.

I am financially independent from him & would have no real money worries as I have a very good job & could manage the mortgage so that is not why I can't say to him go.

My question is where do I go from here? What are your experiences, can marriage survive an affair?
Thanks, Tiggs. x

[lady_p_gold]

Well Tiggster everything is very raw and painful and as you only found out yesterday you must be in a total state. First of all in answer to your question, yes, a marriage can survive an affair. However, the betrayal you have suffered, especially while being pregnant and with your medical problems will go very very deep and you may not be able to recover. That is something that it is far too soon to say. You have your son to think of and obviously it is better for a child if the parents stay together. I think first of all you need to find out the reason for the affair. It could be that you went off sex, and although this in no way condones it, that could be a factor. Or he could be a complete lying womaniser who is going to lead you through a life of affairs and worry. Only you know your husband and must sit and talk it through. But before that can happen you will have grieving to do because you feel you have lost your soulmate. Will you ever be able to trust him ever again? He may have just been foolish and really wishes it has never happened. I have a lot of experience of life and I think the key is, what is at the heart of this and why did it happen. If it was for 18 months then that does not sound like a one off temptation and I would be interested to know what he told the lady involved, because she might be hurting too although you will not have any sympathy. So its pretty bad to hurt you, her and your son .... but in the end it is your life and decision and you sound a strong person. Good luck .

[Presario]

If I were in your position I would leave him. He has betrayed you and your son. He has put his own sexual gratification before his family. He has been unbelieveably selfish. If he loved you why would he want to be with another woman? Lady_p's answer was fab and I imagine a more realistic way of dealing with your problem. But just from my point of view, if my husband did that, it would be over.

[havinmysay]

u have to ask your self if u didnt find out how long would this affair have gone on for?
can u really get back your trust?
for the last 18 months he has been feeding u a pack of lies.
he says he loves her and i dont think he will forget her like the drop of a hat and ''he didnt want to hurt her'' WHAT ABOUT U your his wife, u have a son together
only u can decide weather u can stay with this man,if you think u would be happier on your own go for it,it is hard but u'll manage
sorry i cant advise u any better but i wish u all the look

[unruliejulie]

I could forgive if i thought it was just sex,(not that i would find it easy) but for him to say he's in love with her is so much harder and love doesnt just disappear. I have my doubts that this relationship will end, it might for the time being but the chances are it will re- ignite if he is in love with her.
The trust is gone and that is the begining of the end i think but it is a very personal decision and im sure you will do what is right for you and your son.
All my very best Tiggster x x

[PinkFizz]

Personally I could not forgive this. And why he told you he loves her is just plain cruel. As havingmysay said - how long would it have gone on if you hadn't seen the text?He has been very selfish and hurtful to do this to you when you have been pregnant, and then poorly. I would tell him to leave, but that is just my opinion. Good luck honey.xx

[Casey]

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. There is so much to consider your head must be all over the place! There is your son to consider, if you can ever trust him again, and of course your feelings towards him. I don't believe he does love this other woman in that kind of way, otherwise he'd finish it to be with her. She probably means something to him, i'd say it's more lust! But on the other hand, can his feelings for you really be that strong if he can betray you in such a way? If it were me i'd never be able to trust him completely again and i'd feel that i deserve a lot better. You sound like a very smart, independent woman and i'd seriously consider leaving him and starting a fresh. It might seem the end of the world right now but I guarentee you will meet a really special man who you can rely on 100 percent and trust with your life. If you do decide to forgive him, I wish you all the luck in the world but in my opinion he doesn't deserve you! x

[888sally888]

My first husband went off with one of my best friends (ex now!!). I would never have had him back as the trust and respect was gone big time. I then had a series of unsuitable boyfriends (but lots of fun) and have now remarried a nice man I trust. If he ever cheated on me whether it was a one night stand or 18 month affair he would be out - no second chances.

I think you deserve better and should be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to recover. Surround yourself with good friends, family and of course your son. Think about having some counselling and be really honest and say everyting you feel - however bad you think it sounds.

You will get over this and your son will always be your reason to go on. Friends used to say to me 'i dont know how you do it' but........what choice do you have as a mother?

One last thing, another friend's husband had an affair with HER best friend and she took him back - the realtionship now is so tense and false, that I think they did the wrong thing.

Good luck and please keep in touch - I am happy to help x

[Mammar]

I feel for you.
What gets me is the length of the deception.
It takes a lot of lying and time management and bare-faced front to sustain an affair for that long. On top of that, he has actually said to you that he loves her?
However, having said that, it will take time before your head and heart can process the shock and reveal what is best for you to do. There are other people in the equation too and, regretfully, things may change. He may yet decide it is really her that he wants.
Give the whole thing time and let your heart and head come to their own conclusion. Your marriage may yet survive if you both want it to. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

[jno]

He told you that he loves her? That must be painful... but maybe it is actually a good sign, indicating that he is trying to be honest about what happened. Sounds like both your lives are a mess, but I think there is hope for your marriage, if you both sit down and discuss it and are completely honest about what you want of each other. If possible, don't do it right now as you will obviously (and understandably) be feeling very raw. But if it can wait a couple of weeks, you mght have your own thoughts and feelings more in order.

Of course you have every reason to leave him, and it's good that you are financially independent; so many women, especially young mothers, aren't. Nobody could blame you if you did split up. But only do that if it's what you really, really want. My own guess is that relationships are worth saving if both parties want to do so. Up to you whether that's how you feel.

[Reverandfunk]

Im a bloke and kick him out. If you do it once you can do it 20 times. It's okay trying to forgive and forget but everytime he's out you'll be thinking I wonder who he's with and when you have to check each others phones all the trust has gone already. It will hurt to start with, but you have to have a bit of pride and dignity.

[lizzydrippin]

He sounds like a very weak man and I think you really do deserve better. Once the trust has gone it will be all downhill and not a happy atmosphere for your child. Once you've recovered from the shock and upset of it all you'll be glad you made the break and gave yourself the chance of meeting a man that really knows how to love and care for a woman. Please forget this notion that he is a kind and loving man because its not kind and its not loving to betray and deceive the woman he chose to marry and who's the mother of his son. How could he do that? He certainly wasnt thinking you were his soul mate was he?. I wish you all the best Tiggs xx

[lounurse]

I thought I would answer this as a look on the other side. I had an affair we were both married and left our partners for each other (I know I should burn in the fires of hell and I am sure I will). At the time my partner was in a mess at home things had been bad for 10 years, but I look back and think that they could have sorted things out and been happy again. He doesn't want to go back and never has, but from my view I should have walked away and let them sort things out, it could have worked and turned their relationship around. You get caught up in the excitement and the attention you don't see the pain that you are causing at the time. Only you know who your relationship is and whether it is strong enough to come back from this. If you think that it is worth saving give it another go it may be the turning point you needed to get back on track. You have nothing to lose at this stage. I wish my children still had their dad at home every day

[The Tiggster]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to answer in such an honest & heartfelt way. I have seen my GP who has suggested I up my doze of antidepressant's just to get me through the worst of this. She has also asked me to go back next week to see her as she doesn't want me making any rash decisions without speaking to her. She has also offered me some local help groups to speak to (over the phone) and the services of a psychologist if I need to speak to someone to stop things piling up in my head. She has also suggested that my husband & I go to couple counseling, which may help with some of the anger & upset I have with him. I am thinking that I would take her up on the offers as I have too much "stuff" going on in my head & can't seem to sort any of it out just now.

I have asked my husband to leave for a few days (he's in a hotel) to let both of us have time to reflect & I have asked him to write me a letter to try answer some of my questions, explain what he is sorry for & what he would do to start making things better. I think if I have this time on my own I will not be as raw & be able to have a rational conversation with him, which I am unable to at the moment.

So to summarise, it's still all up in the air, I still love him deeply, but hate him for what he has done. He has finished the relationship, told her it was a mistake & never intended to leave me, deleted all her numbers/texts/photos, applied for a new mobile number, gone to his GP for STI tests & asked that we talk again after our few days apart, which I think I owe to myself, even if I only just get a few more things off my chest.

Thank you all very much again, you have been kind in taking the time to reply.
Tiggs x

[jno]

that's a good GP you've got there, with good advice. I think you're doing the right thing. I know not everyone will agree, but a relationship does need working at and I think you should try that before giving up. But it will require some honest responses from him.

[lizzydrippin]

Thats great Tiggs that you have such a supportive GP who has given some excellent advice. It seems you are making some positive decisions and your husband definitely seems like he is doing everything he can to put right his mistake. Its going to take time to get things back on track and I wish you all the best. If you love him it'll certainly be worth giving it a good shot.

[lady_p_gold]

Maybe let us know how you are in a few weeks ??? x

[poopy]

Or my god. That is awful. Ive been with my partner for 9years now and he had an affair with a right slapper 2 years ago. Ive been trying to get over it but its really hard. I still cry to myself 2 years on and Im so depressed I want a councillar or shrink to help me get over it. I cant imagine life without him but I think its too late for us - things just arnt the same.
Im totally dependant financially on my fella so if I left him Id have nothing - but at least Ive got my beautiful baby boy.

Only you can make the decission on where you go from here. My parents have survived an affair and are now so much stronger than before. But I cant cope, Im trying but its hard. Good Luck with your decision, I wish you happiness. xx