Why am I still bothered?

[Lil H]

I split up with my ex 4 years ago, well, he left me for someone else. I was devastated at the time but looking back it was the start of good things for me. He was controlling and wore down my confidence. Over the years I have built it back up, have become more successful in my career, have lots of friends and a fantastic new bf who I have been with for 2 years (so not so new but still feels fresh and exciting!)
So why am I still bothered about my ex? We have had no communication since July 2005 when he text me to check that I was ok when the bombs went off in London. But I do wonder what he's up to, I want him to see how successful I have become and how great my life is. I guess I am hoping it will be a big two-fingers to him for treating me so badly. Do you think it's normal? Does it reflect badly on my current relationship?

[4getmenot]

You are still bothered because of what he did to you. Its very hard not to get some sort of revenge for that and you showing you have a great life now would be the best way you can get that revenge.

[sez1977]

hi glad you got back on with your life.yes i do think it may be normal for you to feel like this i still do and im only on the first year,but then in a way no you shouldnt be thinking about him as you have moved on to a happy new life with a great guy why should he enter your head r u sure your 100%over this dood

[jno]

up to you to decide how your current relationship is going, but yes, dwelling on past relationships may be an early sign that you are having some doubts about your present one. Or it may not, it may just be as 4getmenot says and scars don't vanish in a hurry. So have you got any suppressed doubts about your new bf? Can you put your finger on what exactly triggers memories of the last ones? (Particular foods or songs maybe?) This is basically all in your head, so only you can really sort it.

[Lil H]

Thanks for all your answers!
I am 100% sure of my new bf, things are great, there is no way in the world I would want my ex back. I guess I have never got over the feeling of rejection and every time something goes well, ie last week I got a big promotion, I wish he knew. He held me back in my career (would ring my boss if I was half an hour late out of work!) and generally made my life a misery. I guess this is my form of revenge...

[~Wingnut~]

Hi Lil H :o)

I know someone who went through the same sort of thing. She was treated very badly by an ex and we were all so proud of the way she turned her life around when she eventually left him. I remember her saying once that she wished she could ring him up and tell him how better her life was since leaving him (this was a good 5 years later) and what a success she had made of things (he really trod her down). So yes I think you feel this way because he treated you badly and you want to rub his nose in how well you are doing and have done since not being with him, proving he wore you down. I don't think it reflects on your current relationship at all other than that you feel it is your best yet.
Like 4getmenot says this is your revenge :o)

[4getmenot]

Just coz you have these feelings doesnt mean you're not happy, there are plenty of times I want to tell my ex things bcoz basically he hates me being happy when he's not and through no fault of his own.

[jno]

there you go then, 4getmenot is right on target. The main thing is you are feeling good about yourself. I'm not sure you'd actually feel any better if he knew about it, but if it cheers you up you could always get a mutual friend to let him know in a roundabout way... but personally, I wouldn't bother; you no longer need his approval, or his disapproval.

[4getmenot]

wow I should be a Councillor :-)

[salisbury]

i know exactly what u mean, i have been trying to pass my driving test for 7 years and with my ex we lived miles apart and the one thing that would have improved our relationship would be one of us passing our test.

anyway weve been split a year now and i finally passed my test and it was so hard not to ring her up and tell her as i used to love tellin her my good news but i guess u just have to move on and appreciate everyday for what it is and the people around you who truly love you and will be around no matter what.

everything moves on and gets better eventually, it just takes time to realise its happening

i will just enjoy being single and hooting at young girls in my new car : )

[Love-Lee]

lovin that answer salisbury!

But back to you Lil H - I totally understand where you are coming from. I bet he already KNOWS in his heart of hearts that you would be sorted in every way. That's why he was such a controlling and manipulative t*at in the first place, probably. cos he could never match up. But well done for all you've achieved despite it all.

Hope that makes sense.