ChatterBank0 min ago
Husband has found someone else
22 Answers
I found out today my husband has been seeing someone else since at least before Christmas. He denied everything untill I hit him will the facts. He says he is not coming home but is happy for me to stay in our house for the time being. He will pay the mortgage and bills. He will pop round twice a week for his office and post and to see the dogs. This will be while I am work. He wants us to remain friends but doesn't have any feelings for me the way he did and that he has been unhappy for a long time. I am seeing a solicitor this week. I don't want to rock the boat but does it sound like he is keeping his options open or is it really over
Answers
Best Answer
No best answer has yet been selected by maggie01. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.
I'd say move out and tell him where to stick his money too. Why do you even want to know if he's keeping options open. He's slept with someone else, I couldnt even stay friends. I know alot of exs stay mates and I am with mine but not with someone thats done that. Have some more dignity girl and get away. Unless there are children involved etc. you dont owe him a thing.
Hi Maggie, sorry to hear that but I agree with 4getmenot, you should draw a line under this, he may be trying to let you down gently by letting you stay in the house etc but this is only to salve his own conscience, and believe me this is likely to change in time. If he had felt this way for a long time why didn't he leave then and walk away with respect, why wait until someone else comes along and continue with the pretence, because he is spineless.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear but you must look after number one, that is what he has done, be strong and take charge of this.
Take care
warpig
XX
I know this is not what you wanted to hear but you must look after number one, that is what he has done, be strong and take charge of this.
Take care
warpig
XX
He sounds like he feels very guilty, I think he is trying to avoid a war as well (by staying friends), I would say he was trying to keep you sweet so that he can lay claim to the house ect without draggin it through a court.
as he was in the wrong there is a good chance that he would come off badly in court, so it makes sense to keep it amicable. I really feel for you, like warpig has said you have to look after number 1, be strong and rational, dont let him have the best of both worlds!
as he was in the wrong there is a good chance that he would come off badly in court, so it makes sense to keep it amicable. I really feel for you, like warpig has said you have to look after number 1, be strong and rational, dont let him have the best of both worlds!
That's what he wants , but what do you want? YOU count-!YOU matter ! Do you want him in YOUR house when you are not there? Can you pop round to his new place while he is not there? I bleedin' wouldn't let him. He made his choice, now he has to stick to it. He is using the situation that you are new to the facts ... even if you had suspicions ... to take the pee, he want's to eat his cake and still live in 'cosy' world - tell him to get stuffed. How kind of him to safeguard his asset (yours too ) by paying the mortgage ... and keeping you sweet so he can convince himself he is a nice person. ( By the way if he put assets in your name now might be a good time to put the docs. in a cheap fire safe that he does not have a key/ code for , to ensure fair play , also if you think he might lie about assets or pensions take photo copies and retain for future use in the safe, a girl has to be smart at times like these ) Remember to use abstract code not your birthday or anniv. ( god forbid) something he cannot guess.
This is about public perception in probability, not 'cos he want's to do you any favours. Do you have children or can you pick up and move on quite quickly. Easier said than done ... I know... I really feel for you ... I am sorry that you find yourself in this position ... but to give yourself some ideas on issues that might become pertinent : type divorce into site search ( this is under topics list on lhs <<<<< as there are lots of useful links lurking - that might make you think about your plan of action. Let us know how you are getting on, or just have a wee moan if you need to ... I am going to subscribe to thread ... and check in later. May the force be with you, certainly the ABers will be - if you need us. You are not alone, do a search and you will realise you are not alone, dealing with stuff like this, which is sometimes a big help in itself. Love Sense.X.
This is about public perception in probability, not 'cos he want's to do you any favours. Do you have children or can you pick up and move on quite quickly. Easier said than done ... I know... I really feel for you ... I am sorry that you find yourself in this position ... but to give yourself some ideas on issues that might become pertinent : type divorce into site search ( this is under topics list on lhs <<<<< as there are lots of useful links lurking - that might make you think about your plan of action. Let us know how you are getting on, or just have a wee moan if you need to ... I am going to subscribe to thread ... and check in later. May the force be with you, certainly the ABers will be - if you need us. You are not alone, do a search and you will realise you are not alone, dealing with stuff like this, which is sometimes a big help in itself. Love Sense.X.
4getmenot. From the day we got married I have always said that if I found out he had been sleeping with someone else then he would be out the door. Easy said when it is not happening. It takes two to want to make a marriage work and clearly at the moment he does not. I think you can come out stronger. He has always been excited and happy in the chase of whatever he goes after but once he has it, the interest seems to fade. This is what I would like for the interest in this woman to fade. I don't have any children at home, they are grown women now. I just have my two dogs.Dignity is something I do not have at the moment. He did say that if I wanted to sell the property then we should just split it 50-50 and I told him he may be surprised about that. I don't know what I really meant but I saw his face change. Thanks I will look on the divorce site and see what I can find out.
Sorry to hear about that.
If you did sell you would probably get more than a 50-50 split seeing as he was the one that left etc.
To me, it doesnt matter if he is keeping his options open, its only what YOU want that counts. Sounds like you think you might be able to forgive him. Why are us women so weak when it comes to loving men.
This relationship could fizzle out but do you really think you could be back with him knowing he has been unfaithful and has been unhappy enough to do it in the first place. Have you been married a long time and are your girls his?
If you did sell you would probably get more than a 50-50 split seeing as he was the one that left etc.
To me, it doesnt matter if he is keeping his options open, its only what YOU want that counts. Sounds like you think you might be able to forgive him. Why are us women so weak when it comes to loving men.
This relationship could fizzle out but do you really think you could be back with him knowing he has been unfaithful and has been unhappy enough to do it in the first place. Have you been married a long time and are your girls his?
Maggie01,
Firstly let me say how saddened I am by another statistic added to those that are already there. How saddening it is to see a relationship break down because of sex.(cos how i understand it thats prolly what it was).
Anyways my twopence worth is this.
Firstly this is a very emotional situation you are in so you need to be strong mentally and making snide comments about you losing your dignity wont help you.
You have not lost your dignity, or self respect for that matter and you should be strong enough to ignore what other people say or do unless it is fruitful and helps you.
there that said and done,
What you need to do is say quite plainly and calmly to your partner / ex or whatever his relationship is to you now that basically he has made his mind up and the fact that he wwent chasing skirt when he could quite easily have got everything from you at home it is for the best that we split and also tell him that you do feel angry and hurt that he destroyed the trust the two of you had and how he had no regards for his family when he went seeking the pleasure of a t art basically.
After this you should say to him that you don't want him to come round, and you need to say thsi very firmly so he understands because effectively he is trying to dip his fingers in every pie(no pun intended).
And should you need a shoulder to cry on do me a fav and find a woman freind you are close with because beleive me it is quite easy to be lured into a false sense of security and next thing you know your laying your body on the table for every tom dick and harry.
Sorry if this post has been to direct or in your face but you really do need to deal with this is a mentally strong and mature manner.
Mr T. A crazy fool.
Firstly let me say how saddened I am by another statistic added to those that are already there. How saddening it is to see a relationship break down because of sex.(cos how i understand it thats prolly what it was).
Anyways my twopence worth is this.
Firstly this is a very emotional situation you are in so you need to be strong mentally and making snide comments about you losing your dignity wont help you.
You have not lost your dignity, or self respect for that matter and you should be strong enough to ignore what other people say or do unless it is fruitful and helps you.
there that said and done,
What you need to do is say quite plainly and calmly to your partner / ex or whatever his relationship is to you now that basically he has made his mind up and the fact that he wwent chasing skirt when he could quite easily have got everything from you at home it is for the best that we split and also tell him that you do feel angry and hurt that he destroyed the trust the two of you had and how he had no regards for his family when he went seeking the pleasure of a t art basically.
After this you should say to him that you don't want him to come round, and you need to say thsi very firmly so he understands because effectively he is trying to dip his fingers in every pie(no pun intended).
And should you need a shoulder to cry on do me a fav and find a woman freind you are close with because beleive me it is quite easy to be lured into a false sense of security and next thing you know your laying your body on the table for every tom dick and harry.
Sorry if this post has been to direct or in your face but you really do need to deal with this is a mentally strong and mature manner.
Mr T. A crazy fool.
I have been married 40yrs in June. No! one of my daughter's have children of her own and the other is due to be married in 5weeks time. I know I should say on yer bike but we have been together for 44yrs and it hurts. The fact that he has supposedly told this woman that he is younger than he is and that he has no grandchildren also hurts as we have 5 grandchildren but I would still like the opportunity to have him back. I don't know maybe given the choice, I may decide that isn't what I want. Women are weak especially when you don't see it coming. It also hurts that he can find the time off from work to take her out for the day and spend time in the evening with her when he was always saying work had to come first. It's what pays the bills. I really don't know what I want at the moment. I have never lived on my own as I got married at 19. Maybe this is what scares me.
Sorry didn't read that properly about if my girls are his. Yes they are. We still had a proper relationship up untill 2 days before he moved out. Maybe if I was his only partner, he was curious as he always said that you only have one life. I don't know what to think or how to feel. Hopefully as the days go on I will get stronger. Eager to see what solicitor has to say tomorrow.
Wow that is a long time, it must be incredibly difficult for you and you do have my sympathy. Maybe he is just going through a 'phase'.
How did you find out about the affair? Sounds like he has been flirtatious in the past.
I know what you mean about being scared to live alone, I have always lived with someone myself and the prospect of living alone is a scary thing although in reality it is probably very liberating.
How did you find out about the affair? Sounds like he has been flirtatious in the past.
I know what you mean about being scared to live alone, I have always lived with someone myself and the prospect of living alone is a scary thing although in reality it is probably very liberating.
He is a very friendly man not flirtatious. His work takes him into peoples house every day. I checked his e-mail and found something he had bought for this person on his credit card. It wasn't jewellery or anything. He put on the order that under no circumstances was the invoice to be sent to our addresss. The order was about 6weeks ago. I drove to the house that evening latish and his van was there. He had spoken to someone about leaving and when I mentioned about finding his van outside this property everything came out. I bluffed it with my husband making him think I knew more than i actually did and it worked. He says he is not living there and it is just a casual thing. He has worked for this woman years back and she needed some work doing again now. Whether she is divorced since the last time he worked for her or not I have no idea. I can't believe he has done this but he was 60 in March and he had been really moody and depressed at reaching this age as if life was passing him by. She is about 15yrs younger than me by the way. Another smack in the face.
Don't get hung up on the age thing, I bet you she may not be as nice, as considerate, etc etc as you. These things are never cut and dried like that. He is possibly delusional, idiotic and suffering from 'grass is greener' syndrome. Perhaps he was going to wait until your daughter gets married before he dropped the bombshell, how do think you will cope with that have you thought about that yet? Do your girls know? Do you have someone you talk to who doesn't know you both? He is not going to be happy for very long if he has to lie about family etc ... Shame on him! I completely understand about the making time thing for someone being hurtful, I think that would really irke me most of all. Go to the Post office and pick up a change of address form for him, unless you want to monitor his business activites. Good luck with the Solicitor, come on sweetheart get your thinking cap on you need to be able to detach your self on some level and treat these things as good business decisions or you may regret that you reacted to his choices instead of making them on your terms.
There are lots of people who can understand and support you on here, if you need it. But please don't drink and type it never looks pretty the next day < smiles at Maggie> onwards and upwards Sweetie - choices to make - Solicitor to see - Dartboard to buy!! keep your chin up. Love Sense.X
Click on this link and check out some of the issues other people are wrangling with, some will make you cry some you want to reach in and bang heads together and some will make you feel sooo much better about yourself and events.
http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/forum/toast.as p
Don't forget to clear the history section if you are using a joint computer so he can't check what you have been looking at.
There are lots of people who can understand and support you on here, if you need it. But please don't drink and type it never looks pretty the next day < smiles at Maggie> onwards and upwards Sweetie - choices to make - Solicitor to see - Dartboard to buy!! keep your chin up. Love Sense.X
Click on this link and check out some of the issues other people are wrangling with, some will make you cry some you want to reach in and bang heads together and some will make you feel sooo much better about yourself and events.
http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/forum/toast.as p
Don't forget to clear the history section if you are using a joint computer so he can't check what you have been looking at.
Thank you for all the advice. I will try to take it on board. My girls know about it My younger daughter is trying to keep peace with everyone because of the wedding. My eldest daughter told him what she thought of him ie that he is a coward and selfish for not telling me what was going on instead of me having to snoop around and find out for myself. This was before she knew he had said her children didn't exist. so I don't know what she is feeling now. I thought when I reached this age, it was time to enjoy life not have it turned upside down. Pity we can't look into the future 'cause perhaps there is something there to look forward to. I hope so.
Who knows it could be the start of something great for you ... once you get over the shock !! He might turn into a miserable old git, and you will be too busy living it up to notice. Make an effort to meet people who don't know you as one half of a couple ... perhaps a theatre outing group or an evening class. Whatever tickles your fancy ! you go girl - as they say on Oprah!!
my neighbour divorced her husband late in life, she has been living on her own for over 10 years she is in her late 50s. she said she wouldnt have it any other way now, sometimes although its heartbreaking it might be a really positive thing especially if you were not happy in the last few years.
he may have did you a favour
he may have did you a favour
