ChatterBank3 mins ago
Should I stay or should I go?
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I am 99% sure I don't love my wife anymore and am wondering now if I ever have done at all. We have two young children who I love with all my heart. Is it right to stay with someone just for the kids sake? I feel that I would like to live on my own but I would miss my kids by not seeing them everyday.
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My parents broke up when i was 6, im now 21. It happened becos my mum realised she just didnt love my dad anymore and she couldnt stay with him for the sake of me and my sister. I dont blame her for leaving and it didnt affect my childhood in any way. I still see my dad regulary as i am lucky that they have remain friends and they didnt need to settle childcare arrangments through court. Your wife shouldnt stop you seeing your kids so id say u need to do this to be happy.
Thanks for your answer. I really hope we could stay friends for the kids and our sakes. I really care about her and don't dislike her, I just don't love her. I am not entirely sure how she feels about me, she says that she loves me but who knows, she has a funny way of showing it.
Neither of us are seeing anyone else but if and when it does happen I'm worried that it would really complicate things.
Neither of us are seeing anyone else but if and when it does happen I'm worried that it would really complicate things.
Kids can be remarkably springy.
If you and your wife take pains to handle the divorce in a mature manner and don't use the children as weapons to beat each other with and combine that with a lot of reassurance to them and stability then they should be ok. Not that it's not going to hurt them, it will. It's just how you deal with it.
Life is too short to waste in a loveless marriage in my opinion and also children do pick up on that and that is what they will understand of relationships.
Good luck.
If you and your wife take pains to handle the divorce in a mature manner and don't use the children as weapons to beat each other with and combine that with a lot of reassurance to them and stability then they should be ok. Not that it's not going to hurt them, it will. It's just how you deal with it.
Life is too short to waste in a loveless marriage in my opinion and also children do pick up on that and that is what they will understand of relationships.
Good luck.
hi there pjm007! i so sympathise with you over this, i felt the same way 7years ago, my children were only 6 years and 9 months. I deliberated for a long time as to whether i should stay with their father as i like you was 99% sure i didn't love him. Shouldn't have gone onto have the 2nd child with him really when you feel that way, but we keep things going cause we're scared of what will happen next. Anyway i'm glad i did decide to get divorced, my children have not suffered - in fact they spend nearly as much time with theire father and they are both well adjusted kids. at the end of the day you have to look at it this way - life is far too short to waste (especially with someone you aren't in love with).
hope all goes well.
hope all goes well.
Thank you all for your answers. I really don't wish to spend my life with someone I don't love. Most of my mind is made up already. I have the perfect opportunity to make a fresh start now as we are selling the house due to financial problems. It's just the children that are my main concern.
She knows how I feel but is finding it difficult to accept, I guess I've been trying to convince myself for years that I love her. I find it hard to talk to her and this was a very difficult thing to do, I don't want her to hate me.
I suppose its simply a case of taking each day as it comes.
She knows how I feel but is finding it difficult to accept, I guess I've been trying to convince myself for years that I love her. I find it hard to talk to her and this was a very difficult thing to do, I don't want her to hate me.
I suppose its simply a case of taking each day as it comes.
I think there are two 'sides' or 'answers' to this.
I think, on the one hand, that it would be best if you separated, especially while they are still young, as it may be easier for them to get used to and they might not be emotionally affected by it in a very severe way if you can still see your children regularly and show them that you and your wife are still friends and get on. Showing them that it's best for everyone will leave them not totally unaffected, but not bitter or angry.
However, I do think that if you do feel that you could 'stick it out' so to speak, for the sake of the children, then maybe you should, but it doesn't sound like you can.
I think that if you do leave, it has to be for good. If you come back, I think that it will only be more confusing for the children and make it all worse.
It's easy for me to say all this, as its not me in the situtation, but I'm just taking my opinions from my own experience of my mum and dad separating - I think it would have been best done when I was young.
I think, on the one hand, that it would be best if you separated, especially while they are still young, as it may be easier for them to get used to and they might not be emotionally affected by it in a very severe way if you can still see your children regularly and show them that you and your wife are still friends and get on. Showing them that it's best for everyone will leave them not totally unaffected, but not bitter or angry.
However, I do think that if you do feel that you could 'stick it out' so to speak, for the sake of the children, then maybe you should, but it doesn't sound like you can.
I think that if you do leave, it has to be for good. If you come back, I think that it will only be more confusing for the children and make it all worse.
It's easy for me to say all this, as its not me in the situtation, but I'm just taking my opinions from my own experience of my mum and dad separating - I think it would have been best done when I was young.
I totally agree with what China Doll says about using the children as weapons. I see it so often, and its really saddening.
As a child back then, I often felt like 'piggy in the middle' and feeling as if I had to choose a 'side'. I know its about you and your wife, and thats the way it should stay. It will affect the children but I really wouldnt want to see any child in that situtation where they end up disliking their own mum and dad and trying to 'play them against each other' because of their parent's immature behaviour.
There's no denying that a separation is really difficult, but I think its important not to let the children know about any feelings of anger or bitterness you might have towards your wife.
As a child back then, I often felt like 'piggy in the middle' and feeling as if I had to choose a 'side'. I know its about you and your wife, and thats the way it should stay. It will affect the children but I really wouldnt want to see any child in that situtation where they end up disliking their own mum and dad and trying to 'play them against each other' because of their parent's immature behaviour.
There's no denying that a separation is really difficult, but I think its important not to let the children know about any feelings of anger or bitterness you might have towards your wife.
Personally i tried to stay with my husband for the sake of my three children, after he had an affair so a bit differnt to your situatuion, but also i stopped loving him and i can say it did not work for me to stay for the childrens sake, when finally we did split my children especially my eldest was releaved as i was so unhappy and crying alot he could see i was much better when we split.
But at least i can say i tried for them and it didnt work, seems you have already tried this.
The best way to 'split' so to speak would be to discuss it togther i think and remain civil, i didnt have that but after 2 years we now are civil to each other but for the sake of the chidlren to remain civil and have good communcation with her would definatly benefit them, i dont know if you are able to both sit down with your children if/when you decide to split to both explain it to them, i had to do this alone and found it very very hard, it would have been so much easier to do it with my ex as my chidlren were asking questions about 'daddy' that i felt he needed to answer.
Good luck and best wishes with it.
But at least i can say i tried for them and it didnt work, seems you have already tried this.
The best way to 'split' so to speak would be to discuss it togther i think and remain civil, i didnt have that but after 2 years we now are civil to each other but for the sake of the chidlren to remain civil and have good communcation with her would definatly benefit them, i dont know if you are able to both sit down with your children if/when you decide to split to both explain it to them, i had to do this alone and found it very very hard, it would have been so much easier to do it with my ex as my chidlren were asking questions about 'daddy' that i felt he needed to answer.
Good luck and best wishes with it.
Hi pjm007, i understand totally how you are feeling on this. I have not loved my husband for some time now and have had difficulty admitting that to myself, let alone anyone to anyone else. I finally made my decision last week realising that life is too short to spend it in a loveless marriage. I need to feel more than this. It is the hardest decision i have made because we have a young son together but i know in the long run that he will be happier because i am. It is with immense sadness that i ended my 12 year relationship last week but already i feel more at peace with myself , happier and calmer. I didnt think it was fair on him either to have a wife who couldnt love him the way he needed to be loved so i would say, for all your sakes, althopuh it might not feel like it at the moment, you will all find hapiness in the future. Be as kind to oneanother as you can possibly be in the circumstances. The children are your main priority in all of this.
I wish you all the very best x
I wish you all the very best x
I think that you need to earn your way out of the marriage. By this, you need to be completely honest with your wife and then try everything you can to make the marriage work, counselling, etc etc. Then and only then, if you still feel the same, you can walk away knowing that in years to come, when your children want to know why you and mum split up, you can have the peace of mind in say ing that you tried everything to stay together but you couldn't make it work.
Le Chat, if the love has gone, what is left to work at? It certainly isnt fair on the partner who isnt loved anymore and I think the kids deserve their parents to be happy. This happiness is not achieved just by them living under the same roof. I lived with warring, unhappy parents for about 3 years and let me tell you, it was awful. The day my Mum walked out was such a huge relief . We ALL began to live again without the pressure of them "trying" to be happy!
unrulyjulie- Yes , I do agree with you..if the parents are constantly arguing, then it is better to seperate sooner rather than later! pjm007 does not say that in his post though, so I am only going on the information he provided - that he's not completely sure of his love for his wife. Sometimes, when a couple have been together for a long time, you do 'go off' them. I have experienced this in the past and finished with perfectly great boyfriends because I didn't appreciate the ebb and flow of feelings in a long term relationship. So considering that marriage vows were taken, children were born and are still very young, I think he really needs to try every avenue before quitting...but you don't have to agree with that, I know!
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