Help me be assertive

[HJT40]

Hi, please help me, this seems to be becoming a patern and I don't like it! It is actually making me feel physically sick.

I have met a person of the opposite sex, who is a really nice, funny person, but that is as far as it goes, no romance potential. We got on well from the time we met and he suggested meeting up for a drink sometime. I was quite happy with this, but I thought I made it clear it would be as friends and no more, and only when my child was at her dads. Now I am getting emails, text messages, asking to chat, asking if I still want to to go out for a drink a few times a day, on a daily basis. I do not want to be rude, but this is making me want to run for the hills. But I don't know of a way of saying how I feel without hurting his feelings. It may be that we will have to work together again.

[VillageVicar]

Well, first and foremost, please don�t do this in a text message. Possibly an email if you don�t feel comfortable in speaking on the phone or face to face. Also, having an email of the message, �may� protect you if it starts to get out of hand.

Joe

Whilst I found our brief (drinks, meals, etc) together to have been nice. I realise that our personal directions are different. You�re a lovely person. However, I don�t feel there is any point in us pursuing this further. I have met someone and have been building that friendship, which is growing every day.

Again, you�re a lovely person. However, I feel it is best that we cease any further communications outside of the work environment. I do hope you will respect my wishes.


I wish you well

Fr Bill

[lilminxlou]

erm, tricky one! try telling her that yeah you could meet up for a drink but make it clear its only casual. you could ask her if she wants to invite some mates and you could take some m,ates thats always an off putter and tell her that you found the texts and emails and stuff a bit overwhelming.

lol one thing i always use if someones interested but im not is that im kinda hooked on someone else at the mo and dont want to jepoardise chances with that someone else :)

wouldnt mind if you didnt take my advice just read it, shouldnt have posted it probs its probs no help

but gd luck anyway

[HJT40]

Thank you.

However we have not even been out and met for a drink yet. I did assure him that I would contact him as and when I could meet with him, but without giving me a chance he is contacting me daily.

This has happened to me previously and instead of being able to remain friends with someone it ends up very awkward.

[JK2]

I don't think there is any need to lie about having met someone else - as has been suggested.

Just be friendly and honest and say that you are happy to be friends but are not looking for anything more and with the commitments you have, do not have much spare time available anyway. Say that the constant messages are causing you stress and as you would prefer to remain friends with them, rather than fall out, you would be grateful if they would stop contacting you so frequently.

[JK2]

HJT40 - you say that this has happened to you before. Have you thought about why it happens to you. It hasn't ever happened to me or to any of my friends so is it something you are saying - or the way you behave - that encourages it? Perhaps, even when you are not interested in the guy romantically, you can't help flirting with any man.

This is quite common when people become insecure about their attraction or looks - particularly after a long relationship has broken up. sometimes people flirt just to get a reaction - to know that someone is interested and they could get this person if they wanted to.

On the other hand perhaps you are just a very kind person who spends too much time being kind to a "loner" who perhaps has not many friends. Maybe your kindness is misinterpreted as interest.. If that is the case, perhaps you should try not to take too much interest or be too kind - particularly if the loner is male.

Have a good think about why you attract this type of person and if you can see a reason, try to deal with it in future and avoid these sort of situations.

[HJT40]

Thank you JK2. I have thought about this before and wondered if it is something I had said or done. I was working with this particular guy on duty one night in a new area and it was quite busy, so I can;t see that I was flirting with him.

I am quite shy and insecure myself, but do talk alot when nervous, but that is not flirting because quite a lot of what comes out of my mouth at that time is utter rubbish!

Thank you for your help

[JK2]

They obviously find you delightful so be prepared for more of the same!!

Sometime you just have to stamp on something - in a nice way - at an early stage.

I'm not in favour of lying though because - especially as you say you may have to work with him again - your lies may catch you out or end up going from one lie to another.

Better to be brave & polite.