Threats in a relationship

[FEELINLOST]

I have been in a relationship for 11 years. At the beginning of the relationship I did a lot of lying which hurt my partner naturally.
I have a lot of regret for hurting him but during our relationship he has hurt me physically and then stopped but threatend me a lot & still does to this day.

I recently said that I want to go on the pill for medical reasons but he was not happy about it as hes said he didn't agree to it but yet I went a head and got it.
I wanted to talk to him about it but he said that I made my mind up so end of conversation he said!
I've noticed that he will threaten me if he knows that I want to discuss things with him.

I feel I cannot express myself without fearing that he will threaten me. Any advice please

[jkkerr]

You know what the advice is going to be - tell your friends and family how you are feeling, and get out of the relationship.

If you can't express yourself without fear of violence or threats, do you imagine it will be any different in a year's time, or longer?

I've never been in a violent or threatening relationship but I can imagine how scary it must be. However you need to think about the rest of your life.

Hope you get sorted.

[China Doll]

This is not a relationship or if it is it's a damn destructive one. Someone who has hurt you physically (even if they have stopped) and continues to threaten you does not love you. You are their puppet at best and a punch bag at worse. You are not their equal, their partner, their friend or anything else that should be apparent in a relationship that works.

You say you lied in the first instances of your relationship... Big deal, sh!t happens. Are you feeling so bad about this that you are allowing this person to treat you the way they do in order to alleviate your guilt? If so then I suggest you let it go. You're not a bad person but you are being completely controlled.

You talk like you have the problem or the relationship has a problem because you can't express yourself. That is not the root of th problem and you must know that deep down. The problem is that you are in an abusive relationship. Just because they are no longer physically abusive to you does not mean there aren't other ways to abuse you/control you but you have to allow that to happen and at the moment you are. Whether it's through low self esteem or guilt about previous lies a decade a go I don't know.

So if you leave or he leaves what do you lose? The noose around your neck? Someone who intimidates and hurts you? Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship that makes them feel like that? Think about it. I know it's terrifying going out in to the big bad world after such a long time with someone and you no doubt have practical ties as well as the ones that you believe bind you to them but do you really want this for another decade? Don't you think you deserve to be happy? Do you really think this relationship is healthy?

[China Doll]

Love doesn't live where there is physical abuse or any pleasure from putting down a partner or fear. It can't live there. The very fact of loving would negate it.

If you're dead set on staying in this relationship then I would advise contacting Relate. They're very good and you can see them alone or with your partner.

But ultimately... well I'm not suprised you're feeling lost but the signs are there. Follow them. You're not happy and the reason is not as easy as not being able to expresss yourself.

Good Luck.

[Jazzmanrules]

I think your only choice is to tell someone you COMPLETELY trust as your relationship is detoriating rather quickly.
I agree with jkkerr as your family & friends need to know urgently & action must be taken.
I would definetly end the relationship because violence may be involved later in the relationship (If continued) &, it is apparent that he thinks he knows what he's doing.

Sorry about your relationship but I think you should leave him ASAP

[FEELINLOST]

Thank you for all your replys.

To be honest I feel very ashamed to tell any of my familiy members and my relationship with my mum is not a close so I don't feel comfortable to tell her.

I also don't really have a close friend who I can talk and confide in about my relationship. Its so hard......

[China Doll]

I'm not suprised to hear you don't have a close friend or a good relationship with your mother so you feel you have no one to confide in. Again it's often a sympton of this type of relationship, it comes back to the control thing.

I can advise you that you should talk to another family member and feel no shame but pride is a funny thing and I'm guilty of it too. Mostly I try and make it work for me so in this instance, rather than feeling ashamed to talk, be proud that you're brave enough to ask for help. Easy for me to say I know but still, I think it might be worth a shot thinking like that.

You don't have to use family members though or friends. If you're looking to get out there are other ways. Womens support grops, the CAB, that sort of thing. If you're still thinking about staying I can only really advise Relate again.

However I think your happiness is more important than this relationship and you don't sound too happy to me. Again, I know it's frightening taking the first steps but imagine a year or two down the line, no one putting you down, being able to express yourself, not feeling threatened.... It's worth a bit of fear now.

[FEELINLOST]

Thank you so much China Doll for your time and advice again.

I'm going to try & contact someone from Relate or CAB but I was going to ask that if my partner brings up my past and all the lies I told or what I did to him in a heated argument which is quite regular, what can I say or do? Although I know I have done wrong & have acknowledged it, he always claims I'm not loyal or this or that. But then I think to myself he's still with me!

Do u also think having a child brings people together as he is in a rush to have one ironicly! I am 27 & he is 39 in 6 months.

[China Doll]

Please don't make me send you a chastity belt! Leaving aside that a child adds more work and stress to even the most solid of relationships do you reallyw ant one more person in the equation? To you want you child to see it's mother floored, depressed, brow beaten? Catch yourself on love, a child ain't going to help and doesn't deserve to be born in to this sort of relationship. Plus the kid will just become something else to control you with eventually.

So what if he says about the lies you told a decade ago?! He's justifying his behavioud to you now and you're letting him do it. As you say, you've done wrong, so has he, how long you both going to punish yourselves? another ten years? Ye Gods woman, prisoners get out of jail in less time.

Relate can help you as a couple or individually but I suspect that loyalty will the least they'll question you/both of you on. More likely vicious circles.

CAB could help you make practical arrangements if you do want to leave him. You have to decide this for yourself, no one can tell you what ot do on this matter. I can give you my opinion which is based on some experience but it has to be you that comes to a conclusion about the way forwards.

Either way you go, you need to make sure that the next ten years are happy and full of love. Not abuse, violence, distrust and fear. That's no kind of life for a young woman. So that's your goal, a happy future, you just need to decide how that's best achieved.

[lil123]

I was in a relationship similar to yours for years and it just got worse and worse he brought up everything he could against me even stupid trivial things everytime he wanted to argue
When I had children with him it made things even worse as I was even more tied to him and it was harder to leave. He also started to turn my children against me too which he has with my eldest daughter
I had to go in a refuge last year miles and miles away from him as I couldn't tolerate his abuse any more
womens aid are great as they dont judge and make women realise it is not their fault no matter what has happened in the past
good luck and take care xx