Unwanted sex in a relationship

[Sarah1970]

My partner always wants sex, but I dont. I end up having sex with him even if I dont want to because otherwise he gets fed up with me and implies that he will finish with me if I dont because he has needs and I should look after him in that department because he does so much for me and he says thats the only thing I can do for him. I'm not happy with having to have sex with him but we have a great relationship otherwise and I dont want us to split up, we are both in our 30s and dont live together.

[NORMANTHEDOG]

you need some counselling.

[mistys]

You shouldn't be forced into having sex with someone, even if they are your partner. You need to talk to him, explain that it is making you unhappy. If he loves you then he wouldn't make you do something you wasn't enjoying. Also it's very harsh of him to imply that all you offer in the realtionship is sex, he doesn't sound very considerate of your feelings. Just talk to him, and if he doesn't change then I'd suggest you will be better off without him. Good luck with whatever you decide Sarah - xx

[Mirror]

i partially blame your partner for lack of your sex drive. if he was the hot shot he's trying to be, then he would know what to do to turn you on and make you feel sexy and in the mood. don't blame yourself. if he was a good lover you would want it every time you see him. he sounds selfish and a bully.

you are young, let him loose if he's treating you about having sex. i'm sure you'll always find someone who's compatible with you in bed and know how to please a woman.

[Gunther]

You dont need counselling.

I am in full agreement with Mirror.

Also if you are in a relationship where someone wants sex, and you dont, and they pressure you into it, it builds resentment.

Also, just because he sayes he does so much for you, it does not make it automatic for him to have sex whenever he feels like it.

Have a talk with him. Tell him exactly how you feel

[VorVZakone]

I don't think it's really down to him, people are often wired differently. It can be very hard to reconcile this big difference in a relationship.
Say a relationship is something where people find 'love' together, most would agree with that: but the problem is, he may only think you really 'love' him if you have a lot of sex with him. You may see it as other things.
'Sex' needs to be defined too. Do you dislike the amount of sexual intercourse he wants, or is it just the penetrative sex he wants so much that you don't?
Finally, and most importantly, someone that says you owe it to him, just that one thing, because of all the stuff he does for you, is what Psychologists call 'A 'w"nker'. Dump the pr''k. lol.
For me, this would be a hard situation in a relationship. I am highly sexed. lol.

[gina-g]

I had a similar problem a few years ago, my boyfriend (now husband) had a higher sex drive than myself which caused a lot of arguments for us, it wasn't his fault though, as people we are all very different. He also did everything for me, he was and still is a good man and I never wanted to loose him.

Our way out of this was easy, we agreed that if he needed sexual relief then I would help out (so to speak) this could be in the form of oral sex or masterbation. I never found either of these to be a problem and it made my husband so happy that our relationship continued to flourish into what it is now. We are very much in love and he is everything to me.

If you have a good man, don't let him get away, talk to him, find out what he really needs.

[Mirror]

treating supposed to be threatening'

[gina-g]

With regards to the comments from mirror and gunther, my husband was not being a bully or a w**ker for telling me what he needed, neither was it his fault that my sex drive was low, I had busy children who took a hell of a lot of my energy. If he hadn't told me what he needed we would not be together still and I would have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Gunther]

gina, Mirror or I did not infer that her partner was a w*anker

[scorpious321]

I think that your partner needs to be a bit more understanding, its not right that he keeps implying he will finish with you and this puts pressure on you.I think most men have a high sex drive and you both need to sit down together and really talk about this issue.You say you are not happy having sex with him so i guess there must be a underlining problem for this,even though you have a great relationship. From a mans point of veiw if each time he keeps getting the cold shoulder it will slowly build in to resentment against you and slowly you will lose him no matter what.
Even though you have a great relationship the big question is do you really love him in your heart.
Sometimes the little things in life between two people add up over the years and then this can cause a mental block against that partner.
hope you can get it sorted xx

[jno]

few people find someone with exactly the same sex drive; and it's usually the man who wants it more. But to have one partner who always wants it and one who never wants it... well, that sounds like serious incompatibility. You say you have a great relationship, but it sounds as if one of you is always unhappy. It's pointless arguing about whose 'fault' it is - you're both right... but the question is whether you're right for each other.

You do need to get this sorted out or there's a pretty good chance he'll carry out his threat. I've not met many men who'd stay in a sexless relationship forever. Try to seek counselling through your GP.

[Satan&Co]

Think of it from his pov - how frustrating is that?

Gina g has the best solution. Short of that, if you want to keep him either arrange a lover for him or put up.

[FunkyMouse]

It's not a very healthy relationship if he is making out as if he will finish with you if you don't have sex as often as he wants. He might just be saying it to get his own way if you're relationship is good otherwise, knowing that you'll give in to him.

[solitude]

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you want them sexually. The hard part is finding someone you love AND lust after as well.

[Velvetee]

I rarely want sex and my partner always claims sex is always on my terms. I think it's because I'm lazy and can't be bothered most of the time and spend more time and energy refusing it, when I could just be getting down to it and enjoying it, which I always do, when we do, do it.

My partner also does loads for me, but he would never use emotional blackmail to cajole me into having unwanted sex. Sex should be something intimate, which both people do for enjoyment and closeness. It's not something to be done out of duty or as a reward for something your partner has done for you.

Maybe you need to analyse why you don't want sex. Is it because you don't like sex full stop? Or you don't enjoy sex with this particular partner? Or you simply don't find him fanciable? Maybe he just lacks the ability to make it enjoyable for you and is a selfish, boring lover?

You claim you have a great relationship, but your partner telling you he will go elsewhere for sex, tells me you are with a selfish and uncaring man. Are you only together because you are both in your thirties and it's easier to be together than have to go to the bother of finding someone else at your age?

[Gunther]

very good of Sarah1970 to thank everyone for their help

[jno]

saying you'll end a relationship if you don't get sex isn't necessarily emotional blackmail. It may be telling the simple truth; and honesty in a relationship is a good thing. He's made clear that this is a deal breaker fo him. As Velvetee says, you need to consider why you don't like it, and what you are prepared to do to save the relationship. Counselling does sound like a good idea if you are unable to work it out between you.

[RevFunk]

Personally I think that if you need counselling and can't work it out between yourselves by being grown up and honest then it's time to pack it in.