Is it safe to say my marriage is over?

[ftj001]

I found out that my husband cheated on me last May. He was with this women for less than a year. My husband and I met in high school in 1994 and were married in 2001. We were so very close and now I feel so betrayed and angry. He has tried to do little things to make me feel secure but there is one thing that he will not do and that is he will not let me know see who this women is. I don't want to have dinner with the girl. I just want to look her in her face thats all! I ask him to let me see who she is, but he just says your crazy and your tripping and then he becomes mute. When he does this it just confirms that either he is still seeing her or he just has her on hold just in case it doesn't work between us. I do admit I'am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cry all the time, I'm depressed. I can't get any peace because I think about him and her together all the time. Its almost as if I saw him with her. I'am so angry and I don't know were to put this anger I have no place to put it. As soon as something happens that I don't like I blw up and I start throwing the fact that he cheated on me in his face. I told him that if he didn't let me see her I was going to move on and date other people. I really think I answered my own question.

[China Doll]

Well the easist questions to fire back at you are do you love your husband and do you want this marriage to work?

If the answers to the above are yes then I think an rganisation like RELATE might be able to help you. It could help you work through your (justifiable) anger and trust your husband again. It could also identify the reasons why he had an affair. Contrary to popular belief, these things don't just happen. There are reasons and these will need to be addressed in order to move forwards.

As to meeting/seeing the girl in question... well what good is that going to do really? You're seting yourslef up for a fall. The fact that he's not telling you doesn't mean he's keeping her on the side still just in case. It just means he probably thinks as I do, what would be the point? Other than to hurt yourself more.

If you're willing to put the work in and still love your husband then no, your marriage is not necessarily doomed but there's going to be a lot of work needed from both of you.

[figure]

What China said, and it's possible he's afraid you might cause a scene and things might turn out troublesome.

[ftj001]

Yes, I love him so deeply that the fact that he did this is eatin me alive. I don't think he can deal with my behavvior, but I feel like he caused it and he should take it on the chin. I'm crying right now! I really think its too late for us. He doesn't want to go to counseling. He says what is a doctor going to do for you not us.

[jno]

he may think you're going to blow up and start hitting her. Perhaps you think this yourself? Otherwise what exactly do you think will come of seeing her? She isn't the problem; you and your husband are. China's advice is good. You may be able to work through your anger with some kind of therapy, with or without your husband (better with, I would have thought). But first, do think: what do you actually want to do? What would be your preferred outcome of all this?

Good luck.

[jno]

just seen your second post... sounds like he's not that interested in saving the relationship; and you can't do it on your own. In that case it doesn't really matter whose fault it is or why.

[China Doll]

You can go to RELATE on your own and frankly I think you need the support.

Basically if you have him back and say you forgive him for the affair then that's what you have to do, you can't throw it back in his face during rows. And right now it's probably way too early for you to do that without help because you're still dealing with the fall out of the whole thing.

Yes he does have to take a fair bit of it on the chin but you need help to move on too before this relationship can get back on track. So like I said, it's going to take some work and I can't recommend RELATE enough for getting some support for yourself.

[ftj001]

Why does he care that much about her! Where as he doesn't want me to cause a scene. If she didn't mean that much to him he wouldn't care! Why does he care whether I make a scene or not!

[ftj001]

She was part of the problem, because my husband and I got along great for so long. It was his decision to do what he did but she participated.

[ftj001]

China doll,

Can u give more information about RELATE. I live in Philadelphia, PA

[China Doll]

He doesn't care about her, he cares about you. How do you think you'll feel if you do make a scene? Proud of yourself? Better? Or do you think more likely you'll feel even worse and possibly go down the entirly unsensible line of sizing yourself up against her and wondering what the hell he saw in her. Plus having the actual mental image of what they'd look like in bed together because hey, you'll have seen her so now you can picture them both naked.

I can see why he's protecting you from all that ^^^^ actually. You'd tear yourself in two over it. Trust me, the other woman is never going to be the two headed monster you'd like her to be and tearing shreds off her isn't going to help.

[showcatbenga]

This marriage is only over if you are not prepared to put the work in with your husband to rebuild the trust. We all make mistakes & your husband is no exception. As you are in such turmoil emotionally & mentally fragile I suggest a trial separation. This gives you some space & time to sort out how you really feel.Sometimes being together has just become a habit when you now have little in common. If you decide to work at staying married you will need to be strong to investigate the 'why' he had an affair. It's not going to be just his fault or just your fault! Lay down ground rules about faithfulness while apart, a time limit, ways of making contact & if he cannot stick with them then he doesn't deserve you.
I thought I could never live without my husband but,it was actually a relief after he left. I knew very quickly that my life was better without all the uncertainty & never regretted it. I hope you can get some peace to decide what you really want - thinking of you, x

[China Doll]

I'm in Britain FT and having done a quick check it seems that RELATE are a UK based organisation, (not sure if that's true). Do you have like a directory enquiries type booklet there? And do you have a counselling standards board too so that you know you're going to a decent centre?

[Velvetee]

Possibly you are right in thinking he may still be seeing her. Maybe he is worried that you might do something to this woman and get yourself into trouble or maybe he feels there is nothing to be gained by you seeing her.

Probably not the best advice, but I would now be going through all his things, e mails, phone, mobile phone bills etc and I would find this woman. For you, perhaps the only way to put things to rest is to get her side of the story and providing you behave calmly and rationally and don't pour all the blame onto her, then you may get answers that satisfy your need to know the entire truth.

[China Doll]

http://www.acenterformarriagecounseling.com/in fidelity.html

I found this ^^^ don't know if that's any help.

[ftj001]

showcatbenga,

Thank you so much I'm crying again. We were separated from May of last year until the beginnin March. I think more separation is just torture for me because I don't trust him. I think I need a Libotomy.

[figure]

Have a look at these sites. They offer helpful information which you might find helpful in your situation. They are all located in Philadelphia, PA

http://www.ppdonline.org/prev/prev_pers_dom.ph p

http://www.sabbathofdomesticpeace.org/abused/p hiladelphia.htm

[Ice.Maiden]

Although you've been very hurt, FT, if you love your husband, I wouldn't throw the towel in just yet. I agree that counseling might help - on your own if necessary, because your husband needs to learn how to show how sorry he is, and whilst you're still angry and slinging facts in his face, neither he nor you can see the wood for the trees. If your marriage was strong beforehand, then it can be like that again, but both of you need to learn how to sit down and communicate in a calm and open way. If you have no proof that your husband's still seeing this woman, then by keeping up a tirade, you're more likely to drive him back to where he's been. Try and show him what he's missing, and gradually, you may be able to put this sorry story behind you. Best of luck.

[ftj001]

Velvetee,

Thank you, but I tried talking to her in rational way but she did not feel comfortable talking to me because she said that she was still in love with my husband. She would only talk through a text messege. She wouldn't give me any concrete information almost as if she were protectin him. I looked through his phone thats how I found out, now I can't go anywhere near it. I know she lives in Germantown in Philadelphia thats it. I bet she knows everything about me and this just isn't fair. What if she tried to hurt me I wouldn't even know who the hell she is.

[ftj001]

Maybe I need a different counselor. I'm already in couseling but she just keeps asking me what do I want to do and I keep telling her the same thing That I want to be with my husband, but I just cannot get over the fact that he betrayed me I feel like he turned on me or tried to replace me!

[China Doll]

It's a darn site more than you'd get from me Ft. This woman has been honest with you, she's still in love with your husband and you're the last person she'd want to speak to. I'm sure she'd be wondering what good it would do too.

The unfortunate truth that I and some others on here are trying to tell you is that the problem is not this woman. She's a symptom not a cause. The problems are with your husband and yourself and the relationship you have. That is what needs to be addressed.