How can I get my confidence back

[unhappychick]

I ended a 6 year relationship because I was very unhappy, all he cared about was money and put no effort into the relationship whatsoever, the sex was always rubbish and if I made suggestions I was always called a freak or a wierdo, and it was nothing really kinky or anything, just normal things that im sure evryone does in a relationship! However I have met someone new and I have now realised how much the unfullfilling sex and negative comments have dented my confidence, I have gone from being a willing woman, to someone who shys away from it all....it is bothering me majorly, I have explained to my partner why I think im like it and he says he will help me get my confidence back, however I am so focused on what I look like what he will think of me etc, I just cant seem to perform as I should and know I can! Im getting frustrated with myself, I cant even find it in me to ride him, what is going on? I have cried over this and could cry just writing it....I just dont know how to overcome this and am feeling like a failure in bed, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Huderon]

Have your partner give you a nice massage with a couple of drops of jasmine oil to around 20ml of almond oil (which should be enough for a full body massage). It doesn't have to end in sex, but it will give you a chance to see for yourself how much he appreciates and enjoys stroking and touching your body. And it's nice and relaxing too, so if you do feel like sex afterwards you may well be relaxed enough to start enjoying it again

[banjosister]

Hey unhappychick,

you have to remember that EVERYONE has these types of feelings, men and women. Its good that you have talked about this to your partner, you need to take it slowly talking to each other will help.

Please dont think that anything you suggested sex wise makes you a freak or a weirdo, its all completely natural. It sounds to me like your ex had issues in the sex department and hes the one missing out. Your confidence will grow naturally and it sounds like your new fella is happy to help.

BB xx

[zbearspirit]

Hi. You are talking about a classic symptom where you must be comparing your new beau against your old one. Somehow your ex has implanted a negative thought in your mind to do with sex. You are aware of the problenms and in my opinion you are being too hard on yourself. it does take time to be totally relaxed in a sexual relationship.
I would say that if you love your new fella everthing will fall into place

[Le Chat]

Good for you for getting rid of the first one! Time will make things easier and your confidence will return with the love and help of this good man. Don't over think it when you are in the love making situation, concentrate on him, not your appearance. x

[123everton]

The key word in the question is "perform" it's not a show, relax and it'll all come together (pun intended)....

[unhappychick]

To all you wonderful people that answered, I just wanted to say "thankyou", everything you have all said is true, and im going to try and focus on enjoying myself instead of being paranoid, we did try a couple of different things last night and I actually did enjoy myself! I have taken all your comments on board and it helped no end, obviously im not 100% yet, but im certain I will get there in the end! Thanks all -x-

[lil123]

I went through this after I ended a long marriage with my abusive husband.
It became so painful when I started a new relationship which I have two now that have failed because of how I felt myself. I have done a lot of work on myself with using positive self talk and replacing the negative names etc with positive ones that works extremely well.
Counseling was also good as I talked over with someone how he had made me feel.
I think once you get in a relationship with someone who is caring and willing to go slow then you will be fine.
You really do need to have a relationship with yourself first though so that you can heal from the all this.
I am going to have a break now before I start another and am going to be very careful.

[banjosister]

Hey unhappychick,

You may have to change your name soon then eh?

I'm pleased that you are already feeling more confident within yourself.

Best of luck to you.

Happy daze.

Bb xx