Mixed messages

[escart]

My wife says she has strong feelings for someone else but doesn't want to lose me. She is not prepared to stop communicating with this guy but for over a year she has maintained she doesn't want to lose me. Sometimes she says 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I could easily live without you'. I worked at trying to put things right and she talks like I'm on trial. She says it's me that has to change and not her. I'm a nice guy and good with our kids. What am I to make of it? What is it she really wants?

[May1982]

Maybe these love and relationship videos will have an answer for you:
http://www.sutree.com/videos/Love_and_Sex/1251 5

[banjobabe]

Hey escart,

The question is:

What is it that you want?

Can you achieve it?

If not you will have to face the alternative.

The only person you can ever change is yourself. Has your wife specified what changes you must make?

Bb xx

[naky-nag-nat]

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it...

[4getmenot]

you shouldnt have to work on anything, Leave her

[andrea81]

She probably doesn't know what she wants herself! sounds like she wants to keep you hanging, I'm not sure I could live in a relationship like that, where you are going to worry about her cheeting or how she feels!

Question is whether you can live like that! you need to tell her how you feel too! You are just as important!

[4GS]

What is it she really wants?
Her cake and eat it, seems to me she's trying to make you move out then she and this guy can get it on (if they aren't already) and they can start a relationship with a clean slate.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's just the way I see it, and I hope I'm wrong

[4getmenot]

if you have to change she surely has to, and has to stop messaging this bloke.

[joannie10]

she is not sure what she wants cause she does not have to make a decision - you are letting her as has been previously said 'have her cake and eat it'. She has to choose - she is being totally disrespectful to you she cannot have you both (unless you are happy about that). Have you changed since you married ? if so perhaps you both need to sit down talk about it and if prepared give things a proper go but you cannot do this with a 3rd person involved. Good luck I hope things work out the way you want it to.

[bms]

I can't imagine how difficult it is to be told on eyes that your wife has got feelings for someone, i don't beilive i can live in that relationship, leave her b4 she leaves you, and get the life and enjoy it.
At some stage it looks like she is using you for somethings that only two of you know.
But leave her, you deserve better treatment than this on.

[Petal~flower]

your wife has "strong feelings for someone else"!

let her go, get yourself sorted and later on, try and meet someone who wants you, and not someone else.

She sounds a selfish cow

[Miss Random]

Hi escart,
Sorry to hear your predicament.
It sounds like the classic 'Illove you, but I'm not in-love with you' scenario.
She is basically asking your permission to have a fling, and then when the excitement is over return to you. But the risk is that it will happen again if you tolerate this.

You really need to point out to her what she is going to lose, as she is depending on your love for her to still stand despite her appalling behaviour.

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else here. Tell her it's over, that you deserve better and that you also need a chance to find someone that will 'light your fire'

Good luck honey.

Missy
xx

[jno]

Banjobabe and others are right.

She's the one who has to make her mind up between two people. You just have to make up your own mind what is best for you. (Which will include the kids.) I don't generally advise people to end relationships; it's difficult and traumatic and tough on the kids. Has it got so bad yet that separation is the only way out? You'll know when it has. At the moment she seems confused at best, selfish and greedy at worst; but if you can save the marriage, that's what I'd look to do. But really it's up to her.

[mangosam]

**** man this is heavy. Yeah a relationship is a two way thing if she feels for someone else tell her how that makes you feel, tell her that it hurts to live because thinking of your wife with another person... I bet it drives you ******* mad. If she deeply loves you ( I believe relationships should be based on love ) then her feelings for whoever this other person is are trivial. I feel for you Escart, I really do. Just hold onto what your relationship meansto you. You have made it this far. You two can get through this. Tell her that you had kids with her and if that is not a result of pure connection and love then what is?. If she truley wants to leave you then tell her to just leave you and she will make the decision. But make sure you remind her of what her role is in your life and the life of the children. Hold strong.

[escart]

Thank you to everyone that took the time to reply. There was some stuff I didn't even mention that judging by your reactions would have shocked you.
Anyway, I have decided to leave her and start over. Thank you.

[jno]

tough decision, escart, but good luck.